She's out of control

One of my girls has always had a wicked temper but lately she is just AWFUL! Hitting, kicking, pushing, hundreds of temper tantrums! Its to the point that other people have said things about it! :woah:
If she has something in her head on how "it" should be done and you vary from that even the slightest, she FREAKS! Example: if she wants to go down 5 stairs on her bum and you put her on the 4th step, its catastrophic! If she says she doesn't want milk but you give milk to her sister then she throws it and hits everyone! And once she flips out there is nothing I can do to help, even putting her on the 5th stair or giving her sister water would not fix whats already been done.

She also has been completely uncooperative with my mother, who I live with and who takes care of them 2 nights a week while I work. Everything is NO and she doesn't want her to change her, hold her, help her, anything.

She spends quite a bit on TO and it doesn't affect her, if you try to be angry she laughs. She has no fear of consequences. She's evil.

Its really out of control, or maybe it always has been. I am looking for anything, advice, empathy, a hug, please. :80:

 

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I feel your pain! I'm in the middle of Grey's-I'll come back! Is this Nicholas' female twin btw? I think we could be on to something...

 

:hug: If punishments for bad isn't working how about rewards for good behavior? Sometimes its hard not to focus on the bad...time-outs, taking toys, etc...I done this a lot with my son and it just made it worse. Once we focused more on the good than the bad, we got more of a response from him. So when the girls came along, I decided to do more focusing on the good from the get go. Rewarding them for behavior that was appropriate. Big praises and hugs and thank you's when they did something that was good, stickers for saying thank you or doing nice things for each other. Try focusing more on the good behavior and see if that helps. Kids love to be praised, so maybe up the praising a bit, and see if you notice a change. When they did something bad, I kept my voice as gentle and emotionless as possible so they can't see that I was upset. Now, this is not easy, but if they see me upset, then they immediately get worse. I hope things get better for you :hug:

 

Just wanted to give u a :hug:

 

What a strong personality!! :hug: I have one of those. :headbang:

Would she understand choices? Or what about involving her as much as you can? It sounds like she is trying to assert some independence/have things her way.

"Do you want to give your sister her milk, or do want me to?"
"Can you help me bring this to the kitchen when you get downstairs?" (before you even start down them)

Constant choices, constant requests to help you, involve her as much as you can, and then lots of positive praise. This has worked SO well for my headstrong little girl!! Even if it's something that you know she can't do herself, let her try and then come to you for help. That works for me too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. :hug: Girls have little minds of their own!! :wacko:

 

:hug: is all I can offer :hug:

 

I have one of these right now. Man, it's been tough. Really.

I have had to lock DD in her room to get it all out. At its peak, she was in there 2-3 times a day. An average incident and recovery was about 45 minutes. I didn't even feel like we could leave the house. She has had a couple of outbursts in front of people and I know they think that she's horrible, but it really is just a phase. I know she won't graduate kicking and screaming.

I just remove her from ALL human interaction. It's truly no fun having a tantrum alone after a while. I tell her that she can have her fit, but she needs to have it all by herself.

When she's done, she's really done. I don't rehash the issue, I don't make her go back and relive the moment that got her in there. That can cause us to start all over again and frankly, it's not worth it.

 

:hug: I have a couple of control-freaks too (I don't know where they get it from ).

Things we've done to help them:

1. Give them a choice (only 2!) of things that really don't matter (which shirt do you want to wear? which book should we read tonight?). Lots of praise for making the choice!

2. Routine, routine, routine!!! Ana gets really freaked if things don't go the way she expects so it I am deviating from our routine I give her a 10 minute, 5 minutes, 3 minutes and then 1 minute warning. It seems to help a bit.

3. No emotion, no talking when doling out a consequence (time out). I'm in the middle of reading 1-2-3 Magic right now, but after not getting into the emotional battles with 2 years old for the last week (when I started reading the book), I can honestly say, they are listening a little better.

4. Don't let her rule the house. If she wanted to be on the 5th step and you put her on the 4th, you said it doesn't work to try to give her what she wanted after the fact. Don't give her that control. If you stick to your guns ("Sorry hun this is the way it is today") she might have a wicked tantrum today, but tomorrow might be better.

5. Like pp's said- lots of praise and positive reinforcement when she is being good.

:hug: I feel your pain.

 

My DD has a strong personality too. Everything has to be her way. When she is on the verge of freaking out, I give her a choice or tell her to do something for me. It usually works. For the tantrums, I just ignore them. She tends to hit me and throw herself on the floor. Once she's calm I ask if she's done and she usually says "yes". I then ask if she wants to read a book or do a puzzle. Just to distract her. I also have been doing the positive reinforcement suggestion with my son. I feel like he's doing everything he's not supposed to be because that gets my attention. I have noticed his behavior is getting better. It's tough! I hope you find something that works for you!

 

Oh, I can so relate!! :hugs: We have one in this house too!! Lots of advice here is what we have done.

:good:

:good:

This is where we saw the biggest change. DD loves to please and when she felt that she was making everyone happy her behavior has gotten a lot better.

 

Yup I have two of these. NO FUN!

You've gotten some great advice - the only thing I would add is to be careful not to overreact an make it seem like you are not in control. First it scares them worse, and second the less emotion you involve, the easier it will be for both of you.

And remember - those stubborn, creative personality traits are ones that are essential later! If appropriatly directed, she will do fabulous things later!

My dad always told me "It's easier to give a stong personality boundaries than it is to give a passive child passion." I never forgot that!

 

Hugs Cohlee!!
I think the 2 choices are an excellent idea-it gives her some control which is really the issue. But at least you are in control of the choices...this will maybe work for a while
also-I notice Sophie did really well with the positive praising...she loved it when she made me happy.
This is a wicked age right now and you have a very strong willed little girl! This will be good one day but for now very challenging! xo

 

Thanks ladies!! I have 1-2-3 Magic and follow the emotionless stuff but sometimes its just. so. hard! Especially after being kicked in the face and having my hair pulled. She's vicious!
And I always said I would never do TOs, I was all about using positive reinforcement as opposed to punishment but TOs have become so frequent and they have no effect on her!
I am very glad to hear I am not the only one dealing with this. Its tough!

 

cohlee - is she having any type of speech issues? Ian was very unhappy and frustrated until we got him evaluated and he qualified for speech therapy - his receptive speech (taking in information) was off the charts but his expressive (trying to get his point across) was MONTHS behind...all it took was about 6 months of speech therapy (from someone who wasn't mommy or daddy trying to get him to talk) to bring him out...

of course now at 3.5 he has an actual opinion but we won't discuss that

 

BIG HUG!!!!
i have no advice, but i can say that if someone makes ivana mad, she'll seek me out and hit ME! i guess it's good she's not hitting others, but why does she go out of her way to hit ME? she does, however, kick anyone who tries to change her diaper, and it SUCKS.

 

I just wanted to add that sometimes it helps to acknowledge their feelings, as in "You are angry." Or sad, frustrated, whatever. It doesn't mean that you have to agree with her, or do what she wants you to do, it just helps her to know that someone understands how she's feeling. My son has a pretty explosive personality, and this has helped us quite a bit, and once he knows that I'm listening to him, he's a little more willing to listen to me.

 

RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! More so with one than the other right now but it seems like they tag team me so that it is always someone who is giving me fits ...

One thing that tends to help when they are having days like the ones you describe (which is pretty often at my house) is to either try a new activity (the new craze for us is PlayDoh) or #2 it usually works, for us, to get out of the house. Sometimes I think it is just boredom that causes my girls to be hard to handle (or either they are distracted enough at the park or wherever to forget that they want to be in control 24/7.) Sometimes it backfires and I just end up with a really embarrassing public tantrum or two but it usually works to get out and about. Also, if it really isn't a big deal to me (like when they don't want to get PJs on right after their bath, I just say "OK, whatever" ... and act like I don't care ... then a few minutes later they will generally let me do it ... same with poopy ... if they don't want me to change them right away I just act like it is no big deal to me and they will usually ASK me to change them a few minutes later. Hmmmm ... what else ... I do try to praise good behavior, too ... especially to praise one in front of the other ... it seems to get their attention.

Now, believe me, I have the occasional day where I end up screaming at them or randomly giving them motrin b/c SURELY something is wrong with that kid ... and feeling terrible about myself ... and if I do that (the yelling), I always sit them down after we have all calmed down and rock or read and tell them that I am sorry I yelled and that yelling is not appropriate even for Mommy.

Anyway, I really am no one to be giving advice b/c I feel like I may lose my mind at least a few days a week with my girls but I really just wanted to give you cyber hugs and let you know that I can commiserate very, very well!

 

All I can do is offer a :hug: and let you know to hang in there. You've gotten lots of good advice. GL!

 

I think we've "discussed" this before, but my Nicolas is the same.

He BIT HIS BROTHERS FACE yesterday at the mall and it is BAD. I thought we were going to the hospital. OH MY GOSH. It is HIDEOUS. I'm afraid to go out w/ him cuz people look at him like something is up w/ him. It's HORRIBLE. I almost cried and had NO IDEA what to do TO Nicolas for doing it. I WAS/AM furious about it and TERRIFIed it will happen again. They ALWAYS attack and bite each other but NEVER EVER EVER ON THE FACE! Scared me to death!

No advice. None. We just have to manage it! UGH.

 

This sounds like one of my nephews. He was extremely aggressive! He had speech delays due to hearing issues. Once the hearing issues were resolved and he recieved speech therapy for several months, his ability to communicate improved and so did his aggressiveness/frustration due to lack of communication.

 

Her speech is pretty good, she can communicate what she wants and has a ton of words, I *think* she is right on track with language, its tough to tell though since her sister is so advanced with language. I am going to bring it up again at her EI eval this month.