I'm all out of buttons....

Because they've pushed them all lately! I just don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end. And it's my fault, I know it. I was thinking of posting this in the Den, but everyone here is going through, or just gone through the lovely age of 2... so I thought maybe I'd get more of a response here. I don't know. But here goes! Spilling of the guts....

I used to be the most patient person, and overall, I am still relatively patient. With my kids? I've lost it. I've gone batty. I am hating the person I am becoming with them. I love them to pieces. I love being a mother. But, I am spent. I've been tested. And I have failed miserably! This week has been longgggggg. The whining, the crying, the teasing, the yelling, the screeching, it's driving me NUTS!

They instantly cry and I want to go crazy! I yell(does NOTHING) and it makes me even madder. I've lost my cool. I've essentially lost it. And I hate it.

And the worst part? EVERYONE thinks I've got my _____ together! EVERYONE! I even went to library hour today and the librarian asked how I was(impeccable timing if I do say so myself!). She says, "You are always so calm and laid back." Me with three kids two and under. Calm? HA! In public sure. I left that library hour, holding one kid under my arms, and when I got away from that library-I cried my eyes out. Cried. I've lost control. I'm on edge. I've asked for help from DH. He tells me I should be able to do everything that needs to be done during the day(house stuff). I tell him I can't. I'm cleaning when the baby is sleeping instead of playing with them. I put them in front of the TV so I can wash the dishes, or the floor, or laundry, or whatever it is that needs to be done. Sometimes-they really just don't get it. We did go out tonight and briefly talk. He's taking the kids as soon as he gets home and taking care of them for an hour so I can clean(vs doing three loads of laundry at 11pm) or go somewhere for some peace and quiet.

I'm turning into a monster and I don't like it. I'm mad at them. They are crying. I'm crying. I almost feel heartless. I don't know what to do. I know discipline is the root of our evil-they are behaving like monsters at playdates. I've always said, "Not my kids!" And here we are-they ARE my kids. It's recent. It's like they turned two and the devil got a hold of 'em! Seriously!

So, I don't know if my feelings of inadequacy are normal. I feel on edge with them. Is that normal? It's recent. Last two weeks or so. Or maybe I've just had a bad few days. As for the baby? She's an angel. Seriously. She is sooo easy. Although, dh did say, "I told you we weren't ready for a baby."

:headbang: :headbang: :headbang:

If you got this far-I'm impressed! And thanks for reading! I honestly do appreciate it!

 

Big :hug:!! I can tell you that you are not alone, in the last week I feel like my girls have sucked the life out of me! By the end of the day I am DONE! We are right there with you with the whining, crying, fighting etc... :drown: 1-2-3 Magic has helped curb the behavior, but I wouldn't say that it has cured it as this point. I am holding out hope!

Hopefully for both of us, this is a short lived phase and we can have our angel children back soon!! :hug:

 

Yes. I have that book on many recommendations in here. The problem? Well-there are two. 1.) I have no clue where it is and 2.) Finding the time to go and read it!

I've honestly wanted to go to Barnes and Noble on a Friday/Saturday night and sit there and read the entire book. However, something always seems to come up where I can't! Tomorrow-company and then Saturday I am going to a cocktail party at 8pm...

One of these days. I need to get my _____ together and be consistent and lay down the law. I am at a loss at how to do it. I feel like as a SAHM, the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I bare all responsibility for their eating, changing, behavior, EVERYTHING. It's ALL on me. DH gets to come home at 5pm and play. Enjoy them. Sit back. Relax. I don't feel like I can do that. If they misbehave-it's on ME. Not him.

I think the crux of it is I don't want to be a failure as a parent. And I feel like I am. At least the last two days... Here's to hoping tomorrow is better!

 

You are NOT a failure!! :hug: You are doing a great job! You touched on it, but for me consistency is key. Whatever you decide just stick with it. Is there any way you can take a day off to recharge your batteries? That always helps me. I don't think its anything that you are doing wrong, I think that this can just be a tough age/phase. This too shall pass! :hug:

 

Big hugs. I could have written your post myself. I don't like the person I've become. I told my DH last week "Why can I have patience with everyone else but the kids. How can I expect them to respect me when I don't show respect to them b/c all I do is yell and flip my lid so easily". I've been really working on trying to stay calm b/c my emotions make everything worse and it goes into an awful cycle. But, in general I feel like a horrible Mom b/c of my yelling and impatience. I even said to DH tonight "You think they know how much I love them?". I hope they do. They mean the world to me and I'm trying hard to think in the moment...is this worth getting this upset over THIS? I feel for you. Just know you are not alone and this is a very trying age.

 

Meg, you are not alone! My boys go through spurts of this, and it's torturous. I trust that it will get better and that ultimately they ARE sweet kids. Just think, "terrible twos" is a common term for a reason -- this age is HARD. Double the number of two-year-olds, and it's REALLY hard!!! Add in a baby, even a good baby, and it's really, really hard.


Here is 1-2-3 Magic in a nutshell (my version of implementation anyway):

1. Stay neutral. Monotone if you have to. Just very matter-of fact. **THIS IS THE KEY** Practice in the mirror if you have to.
2. First offense, say "Nicholas, no throwing. That's 1." Very matter of fact.
3. Second offense, say "OK, Nicholas, that's 2. No throwing. If I get to 3 you will go to time out." Very matter of fact. (I only add the warning about "if I get to 3..." if I really feel they need it. Eventually, they just know what "that's 2" means)
4. Third offense, "OK, Nicholas, that's 3. Time out." Very matter of fact. Pick him up, put him in TO and leave him there for 2 minutes. We usually say something like "I will tell you when it's time to come out" so that they understand very clearly what the expectations are for their behavior and they feel a sense of control/reasonable boundaries.

Never, ever lecture about their behavior. Do not address his whining, his yelling, etc. Never bargain with them, never threaten or show your irritation, never shame them or make a big deal about it. Just let them be in control by giving them boundaries. They can choose to cross those boundaries, and will know that if they cross them, they will get TO. Every.single.time. It is actually empowering to them if done right and without shame. (oh, and it IS really hard to stay calm and neutral... but I find that 1-2-3 helps me to not get as mad because it feels less like a power play to me, so I don't get as riled up. Maybe the same will be true for you?) :hug:

The discipline is NOT your responsibility alone. During the daytime, yes, you have to do it. But DH is a parent, too -- on the weekends and at night, he interacts with them, and it's his responsibility to maintain consistency. Otherwise, they will try to work the two of you against each other and really create chaos!

You're an awesome mom. Not because you have your **** together, but because you shower your kids with love and meet their needs consistently. It will all come together before you know it. I hear 4 is a great age. No, seriously, things WILL get better. They really will!! Everyone's kids have their moments (many of them).

:grouphug:

 

First of all - you have not failed at anything
They turned two and realized that they can push your buttons and want to know how far your buttons will push.

You should just ask your doctor what he/she thinks because there are things you can take if you feel the need.

but for the record:

These two have turned into little terrors especially in public! Ava ran out into the parking lot at Cracker Barrel yesterday and the ONLY reason she stopped before she reached the main road was because I yelled oh my goodness there is a bear that is going to eat you! UHG! The faster I ran, the faster she ran and the louder I yelled STOP the faster she ran. I put her in her carseat once home (our driveway is a half mile long so they like to unbuckle and help me drive up it) she did not get to help drive and she sat in time out when we got inside. This is a very trying age. My dh loves age 5. He says that at age 5 they are out of the whiny, needy stage but not to the bratty, I have a mind of my own stage. I think he must have been smokin something when the boys were 5 and just missed out or maybe that was the one day he was paying attention and it was a good day?LOL. I think that so far every age has had it's ups and downs some of the downs just outweigh the ups but all in all the ups out number the downs. How many times have you looked at them while they were asleep and fallen in love all over again?

I am another one who outsiders think I have it all together. I guess I am glad they don't see my inner beast but I do feel like it may bust out sometimes! I took Paxil when the boys were little, It did take the edge off but I was always blah - no downs but no ups either. I stopped taking it. I have learned to take some me time anyway I can get it. It may just be faking a long bathroom visit and reading a magazine but it gives me a minute to back up and regroup. I have also learned that housework can wait and is not worthy of too much stress. I do not even care what dh thinks about it - if he wants it cleaner than how it is at the moment, he can do it himself. I pick and choose my battles with the kids, if Addison is throwing a fit because she is a dinosaur and cannot wear shoes. then fine no shoes but remember little dinosaur - if you do not wear shoes you must ride in the cart at Target (which she HATES with a passion!)!! I used to insist that everything be just perfect. Now if Ava wants to wear one cheetah print rain boot and the other hello kitty so be it. If my boys are fighting, I really do not care who said what -none of them can ever just admit to starting it anyway, they go round and round like an angry tornado :BDH: , so they can all 3 go to their rooms (99% of the time A&A follow them to their rooms) hence more me time!

sorry to ramble! OH and I am glad your dh is willing to help you out! YAY! that will be great but don't always bust your rump trying to clean while he has them - cleaning does not really count as me time (unless you enjoy cleaning!).
:hug:
Heather

 

FWIW, I think you seem like a VERY nice person and GREAT mother. I could NEVER handle 3 kids under 2. EVER. So, right out of the gate, you're doing better than me. (and probably 90% of people.)

Give yourself some credit. You do A LOT. Cut yourself, and your kids, some slack. They're only 2 and it's okay for them to act like 2 yr olds. It won't be long until they're 4 and you'll miss this time.

YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB! DON'T EVER FORGET THAT. JUST EASE UP.

HUGS AND KISSES! You'll get thru this!

 

Meg, it can be so hard. And I do find that my Liam is so much more active than the twins were. The twins didn't run off at that age, Liam thinks nothing of taking off in a parking lot and I go :gah: . I have my days where I feel like all I do is yell at the kids and I feel like the most horrible mother in the world.

Part of it is that you do need some time away from the kids. Even if it is just to make a run to the library or the store or whatever at night when your husband is home. And it is not always possible to get it all done during the day and your husband needs to understand that. Especially with two 2 year olds and a baby (been there myself!!).

:hug: :hug: :hug:


(I'm another that is amazed when people tell me how good my kids are, how I have it all together, when I am out. It's not the way I feel at all!!!)

 

I love my antidepressants for one reason. My buttons are VERY hard to push. Yeah, I don't get the highs, but I wasn't getting them anyway. Now at least I can stay reasonably calm throughout life. Even so, I still feel like I'm always yelling at Alice. It's definitely a pick and choose which battles are worth fighting. for me, not dumping sippy cups on our sibling is one fight I'm fighting. but if Alice wants to dump it on herself, she can wear sticky wet pajamas until I change her. :headbang:

 

Ditto. My Lexapro makes for a happy home But I'm not saying you need to medicate, it sounds like you need some support. Can you guys get a mothers helper or a sitter at least once a week so you can have some alone time?

Also, I just got 1-2-3 Magic from my library 2 days ago and its a VERY quick read. Erin really summed it up nicely. The whole thing about yelling is you are giving them a little power to push your buttons. This rewards them (because they are little and oh wow we made big mommy mad- hehe- not because they are evil, but because they are 2!). If you take that reward away by not being emotional, it should eventually extinguish the behavior. This is for "stop" behaviors (like whining and fighting). I haven't gotten to the part in the book about "start" behaviors yet (go get your shoes, pick up your toys), but when I do, I'll let you know

:hug: You are doing a terrific job, but its hard and frustrating and isolating. You need to schedule some time just for you (or you and some friends). You need to recharge your batteries (or 'reset your buttons' ), so you can have the strength to do the hardest job in the world. :hug:

 

You have already gotten some great advice from these ladies already. I just wanted to give you a big :hug:. You are an awesome mom and WOMAN!!

 

Hi Meg,
We are all in this TOGETHER!!
You are NOT a bad mom, you are NOT a failure as a parent and you ARE going to get through this.

Listen, g-d gave you twins and then a baby soon after for a reason (I am by no means a religious person but I do believe that the universe delivers what is supposed to be) and you are doing the best you can.
This is HARD and our husbands DO NOT get it.
They might be all wonderful but they are not mom's and they don't do what we do or feel what we feel or even "get" how it is for us so we have to stop looking to them to give us certain support they just can't.

Look within yourself, the strenght is there. You need a break and you deserve a break. That might be disappearing for a day on the weekend or even the whole weekend.
Something I learned from my twins club is that our husbands are not "babysitting" they are their father so when we leave the kids alone with our husbands we should not feel the least bit of guilt.

Take a break, it will re-energize you and freshen you up with a different out-look. You're fried, you're burnt out and that is ok, it's normal and it does NOT make you a bad mom.

Now go do something nice for yourself, how are you supposed to be good to the kids if you are not good to yourself!

We are in this together!
Leslie

 

Add me to the list of people who think you have already received fantastic advice from others here--which is why i love this place and i have to take most of that advice myself if you don't mind sharing, because you can also add me to the list of people who said "I could have written your post."

but SERIOUSLY add me to that list, because i am a preschool teacher (was i guess, before the kids) i am CONSTANTLY saying "how come i could deal with 16 2-year-olds at work but can't do it with 2 at home?" and people around me seem to think i'm the best mother in the world--and i always think--"if they only knew..." i am very close to the end of my rope around here every day, despite my constant reminders to myself when the kids aren't around that they're 2, for crying out loud. they are supposed to be acting that way. but when push comes to shove, and i am in the moment, i end up being this angry, screaming mom. how did i become this person? where did all my patience go? so i'm right there with you, all out of buttons.

i'll stop with the gut-spilling at this point, but i want you to know that you are not alone. and you (we) need to vent--and this ends up being the right place because there is that degree of anonymity for that "failure as a mother" shame we all feel. it will get better, i'm sure, and we all need some help with these kids who just want to get the best of us sometimes--but they're just so darned CUTE aren't they? when they're sleeping anyway...

just wanted to commiserate and send hugs your way...hope you get some support from DH and if you are able to take a breather, it helps, and that 1,2,3 magic really helps us all. wishing you a better day today

 

Huge Hugs!!!!

You are not alone. I think we have all had those moments where you say,"what was I thinking (when you thought just one more kid would be ok)?" The days where they just don't listen and all you hear is whining and whimpering. You are not alone.

From your post, it sounds like to need some mommy time. Give DH a big kiss and hug and say, "i'll be back soon." Leave the kids with him. Go get your toes done, go to the library alone...whatever floats your boat.


Recharge your battery!

Lindia

 

HA! Me too! I was a preschool teacher for four years before the kids. It's amazing isn't?!!??!

I want to say thank you for everyone's wonderful words! Really, I do! You have no idea how much it means to me! I even laughed at some of the responses!

I love this site because I love that I'm not alone, even though at times it may seem like it. This site is a lifesaver. If I ever have a question, vent, whatever-it's the first place to go. Even dh goes, "Have you asked on that site yet?!?"

Today has been MUCH better. Maybe the margarita is still in my system from last night?!!? Let's hope the trend continues...and I'll continue to search for the book. And Erin-thank you SO much for the quick run-down on 1,2,3, Magic! I know how busy you are and I greatly appreciate the quick points!

 

:hug: :hug: I can not imagine having three kids under two. You, and any other mom who has several toddlers and infants, are awesome in my book. It's okay to feel like you do, and vent here all you need to. I just have one comment...as far as the house work, don't fret over the house. If the house is stressing you out, let it go, and tell DH to chill! It's okay if you decide to not clean one day and spend time with the kiddos, and you'll probably feel better for doing it. AND, it's okay to let the house go, give the kids over to DH, and get out for a while for some peace and quiet. You have to re-energize or you'll be no good to anyone, and it sounds like you're batteries are just about out of juice. When us moms take time out for ourselves, as hard as it is to come by many times, it really is better for everyone!! I use to take long baths after the girls went to bed just to try to re-energize myself. I didn't get to go anywhere, so that was how i took time out for myself. Whatever it takes to get some time to yourself, do it! Maybe even have a cut off time for house work...i will clean until such and such o'clock, then I am finished for the day, whatever doesn't get finished can wait until tomorrow. That way, you're not running yourself to death or staying up all hours of the night trying to clean what's just going to get messed up again tomorrow.

 

You are so not alone.
Erin gave great advice and run down on 1-2-3 techniques. I know for me if I stay calm and try not to take their typical 2 year old behavior personally, I feel better even if behavior and listening skills are still not fabulous.

I am also wondering if the time change is contributing. I always feel a bit off for a few weeks, and my twins have been particularly challenging this week.

Glad to hear today was better.

 

ditto here too...Zoloft makes life much easier to live with twinadoes!

 

I could have easily written your post. :hug:

 

Not written the post - I AM that post! LOL

Same boat here. twins were 18 months when the baby came, so 3 under 2. Big diff is you're a SAHM, both DH and I work full time. I'd be right there on the edge of the cliff if I didn't get that break during the day! On the weekends, we live what you're saying.. Couple of comments:

1) How in the h*** does DH think there's time in the day to clean?? Has he tried it? I know on the weekends (and heck the weekdays for that matter) we don't get ANY cleaning done till after the kids are in bed. Try during the day, and we have to many 'helpers'...

2) Ya gotta let go of the housework. I'm a HUGE control freak and HATE the house not looking immaculate and spotless (to the point I will not allow guests in our house right now since it's not perfect) but I had to let go and decide what was better: Spending quality time with my kids, or having a spotless house? Which will the kids have fonder memories of when they grow up?

3) When DH see's the house in disarray for multiple days, maybe he'll start helping. There's an e-mail floating around that the wife laid in bed all day one day, and everything went to Sh__. DH came home and said, "what happened here, what'd you do all day?" And the wifes response was, "What you THINK I do all day!"

4) My DH and I definetly have our problems. But one thing we ALWAYS manage to come through on is helping each other with the care of the children. We literally have an uspoken teamwork. If I do everyone's hair in the morning, he puts their shoes on and gets them dressed. If I'm feeding them, he'll bathe them (usually anyways) I could be giving him the silent treatment for something else he made me mad about, but we'll always end up working through it and getting the kids taken care of - TOGETHER.

For that last reason everyone around us also tells us what great parents we are and how well behaved our children are (we took a cross-country trip in May with all 3 and NO kiddie leashes, they minded very well) but on several occasions DH has said, "do we yell to much? I feel like I'm yelling all the time." I tell him, "Maybe, but if we didn't tell them NO all the time, they'd think they could do whatever the heck they wanted."


And I know you don't want to hear it, but for taking all 3 out by yourself - you ARE SUPERWOMAN! LOL We ALWAYS split that one up. Either both of us take all 3 kids, or 1 will take 2 and the other stay home with the baby, or vice-versa.... I took them all out ONCE by myself to get pictures, and people were staring at me as I walked through the mall (that made me mad) like we were the circus or something.

 

Oh yeah-that's me! The three ring circus! Or is it four?!!? LOL!

There is no greater workout than carrying a 15lb baby on the Bjorn, pushing 50 lbs worth of toddlers in a double stroller, and walking the entire mall-both floors!

Thanks for the advice! Today was a much better day-thank goodness! And Nicholas ended up with a fever by the end of the afternoon. I am PRAYING it is teething and no flu! I will scream if these two get the flu-and then I have the baby! Yikes! He was acting totally fine-with meds-but I would think he would be lethargic or something!

As for the weekends.... I tend to think DH does nothing in terms of helping out with the house. I'm going to pay attention and see if he does anything. And he does help with the kids a lot-and freely. But sometimes I have to ask him to give them a bath, or go play with them in the playroom. He takes the baby whenever, which is nice. I just end up putting her to sleep probably 5/7 nights.

Ahhh...at least it's the weekend and there are two of us instead of just me!

 

Enjoy your weekend, Meg. I hope things get better for you soon!