Not enjoying my babies yet...please help!

Hi girls, I delivered my boy girl twins in mid September after 11 weeks of bedrest at 34 weeks gestation. After spending time in the NICU they have been home for a while now. My concern is that I am really not enjoying them. Let me say that I do not believe I am depressed and I do NOT have thoughts of hurting them...I love them very much. It took two miscarriages and 2 IVF cycles to get them so they were very much wanted. I feel so guilty that I am not having fun with them or enjoying them. The babies are very fussy and seem to cry alot. I am so tired all the time it just feels like they are a chore. I am not entirely sleep deprived either...we have a night nurse that comes 4 nights a week. I am also having problems with my husband..we fight alot as I have become very critical at how he handles the babies...I feel like I don't trust anyone with them. Husband doesn't help me enough either. He gets very defensive and it is draining. Also, I just feel like I miss my old life...work, socializing, laying around watching tv etc. I do love my babies very much and I am so happy that I have them...I just don't know why I am feeling like I can't enjoy them. Has anyone else gone through this? Does it get easier? Thank you for any support or words of wisdom that you can provide.

Kristin

 

:hug: Momma! I remember feeling the exact same way! Those first few months are harder than hard, and it can definitely take a toll. I can promise you that the older they get the more fun it becomes! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I also remember those arguing with my DH a lot in the beginning. I had my way of how I thought things should be done, and my routine (I am a SAHM) and when he came in and tried to do things his way, I got super frustrated. I found that letting him do things his way was not detrimental to them, and for my sanity and our relationship it was easier to let things go. Try talking with your DH about how you are feeling. It may just be that he doesn't know what you need him to help you with, or maybe he is intimidated and needs a little direction. Communication can go a long way.

Do you have family or anyone that can help you so that maybe you could get a couple hours to yourself that you can do something for you? Also a date night might help ease the tension between you and your DH. It is important that you are taking care of yourself and your needs in order to be the best mom you can be. Just because you are a mom does not mean that is your sole purpose in life. Try to take time to do some things that you enjoy, even if its only a little time here and there. It will make a big difference.

Take care and keep your head up. The first year goes by so fast (I know it may not seem like it right now), but try to enjoy it as much as you can because before you know it, it will be a distant memory. :hug:

 

Lots and lots of :hug: Kristin. It's really tough in the beginning, but even more so after what you've been through. I absolutely agree with Kyrstyn on this one. It really will seem like a distant memory soon. Hang in there.

 

:hug: I agree with Krystyn, she really gave you some good advice. Those first couple months are toughies, I can remember feeling the same way...lack of sleep does not help at all. It will get better, hang in there Momma!

 

I am certainly no veteran twin mommy, and I have LOTS to learn still. But it wasn't long ago that I felt the same way. My guys spent nearly 2 months in the NICU (a pretty draining experience in itself) and they came home around mid-July. And lordy did things get tough then. I would say I didn't enjoy much about twin mommyhood all through September. But about a month ago things seem to have greatly improved and I truly look forward to seeing my babies every evening when I get off from work! The evenings are so much easier now at 5 months old than they were at 3 months old. It helps that both babies just started STTN within the past week! :woohoo: So just try to handle it as best you can now and know that things will start turning the corner in the near future! And like a PP said, try and communicate with your husband more so that tensions and resentment don't build. Good luck!

 

:hug: :hug: :hug: I just started crying reading your post. Thank you so much for putting words to exactly what I have been feeling. My story is not exactly the same as yours and in some ways you have had a much more difficult journey, but we also conceived our twins after infertility and IVF, and I also had a difficult pregnancy. I was THRILLED to be pregnant but when I found out that it was two babies I was shocked at my own feelings of depression, fear, and even anger at feeling "robbed" of the "normal" one-baby experience. Along with those feelings comes major guilt, especially after trying so hard for so long to conceive. Those feelings followed me into the first few postpartum months, and definitely interfered with my marriage. The first two weeks were a nightmare, I yelled at my DH for everything. I would cry and cry. I guess it was depression but it seemed to only be directed or related to my relationship with him. I don't even really remember now what it was that he was doing that upset me so much, but I know that I was always angry, frustrated or hurt...and I actually don't think he was doing anything wrong at all (which doesn't minimize or invalidate the feelings I was having). It is getting better, it really is...but I so know what you mean about not enjoying them much and about missing time for yourself - especially "down time"! Here's what has helped me: The smiles, the laughter, the new recognition in their eyes as they slowly "wake up" and "know" me...and I'm looking forward to the time when they're able to sit up and play and allow me to do some more things for myself. Getting out of the house also helps. Sounds weird but I love it when people stop me to look at my beautiful kids and tell me I'm blessed (of course I have to tune out the ppl who say silly things). They are getting more and more enjoyable...and I think it will only continue to get better. And pp had SUPER advice when she said to just let things go as much as possible when it comes to your DH's approach to parenting. Unless he is really doing something that can hurt them, take a deep breath and you might be pleasantly surprised. I'm now able to leave them with him and go to the gym, etc - and I don't worry...because he has figured things out for himself. Things will improve! Hang in there. Just the fact that you are thinking about this and analyzing your feelings makes me think you're going to be an amazing mommy and your little ones are very lucky to have you!

 

Give it time. Those first few months can be hell!

I don’t know how it is for a mom, but as a dad, when those babies first come home they are kind of scary! They are tiny and fragile and dependant, and what if I hurt one? What if I’m not patient enough? And what’s with the crying? And the conflict over how the babies are handled don’t help at all. I’m betting that if you give it a little time, you’ll find that he gets more helpful as he gets comfortable with the babies, and you’ll worry less about how he handles them.

It does get easier. Really! And more fun.

One thing that my wife and I did, and maybe it will help you… we each kicked the other out of the house to get a little personal time at least once a week. It really helped. Even just going to get a coffee at the local café for a while or browsing at the book store… having a little time to just breath without worrying about the babies helps ease a lot of the stress.

 

:grouphug: to you!! I am just getting out of that phase! The first 2 months are so hard. I kept thinking that I was the only one who felt that way because I perceived motherhood as being all roses! Everything is emotionally draining and the lack of sleep just adds to the pressure. Plus I would cry at night because I was so tired and didn't know if I was cut out for two babies. I had nothing to compare twins to since all my friends have one baby. Just know that you are not alone in feeling like that and it does get better! I kept thinking that the first 3 months seemed to go at a snails pace, but now I realize how fast it went by! Just hang in there!! :grouphug:

 

My Mom always made motherhood out to be the most glorious, enjoyable and fun thing she ever did. So once our lo's were born, it was hard for me to be 700 miles away from our families and the only help I had was my DH, struggling to get my babies on a schedule, sleep deprived and wondering what I was doing wrong...why didn't I have that new mommy glow so to speak. Why wasn't breastfeeding as wonderful of an experience as my mother said it was - I was positive I wasn't going to be the mother she was. Did I have it in me? After prodding her for stories, I now know that she too faced many new mommy challenges and it must have been time that left her with only the good and none of the bad/hard memories. We all go through that rough first few months and how you are feeling is so normal!!

I felt like DH and I fought a lot too in the beginning because we had different ways of doing things and the stress of it all can get to any couple. Finally I decided to pick three or four things that he could do for me each day that would lighten my load and help me the most. It worked! I got help and he felt like he had direction (which I guess men really need when it comes to dealing with newborns). We eventually fell into our own little mommy and daddy routines and learned to work more as a team. We still have our days, but what parents don't?

Now for the totally happy part...it gets SO much easier. You will eventually find yourself on a schedule, learn how to better communicate with your DH, trust others with your babies more and find a way to socialize again even if it means doing so with babies in tow. How we do things now is so different than how we did things pre-baby, but that's to be expected if you have one, two or ten babies. The first time they give you a kiss, the first time they say "mama," the first time they smile at you because they know who you are makes it all worth it and while this phase seems to be so long and exhausting, the first year really does fly by. Just take it day by day and hour by hour when need be. You are definitely in the right place for support and don't forget we have all been there. Many :hug: to you...hang in there!

 

Thank you so much to everyone who took time to respond to me! I am relieved that what I am going through is normal and that things will get better. I am already taking everyone's advice. This afternoon I actually got out of the house to take a walk since the weather is so nice. I left DH with them and everything was fine..DH also took apart all the dirty dr brown's bottles at my request and put them in the dishwasher baskets. He said that I should make him a list of a few things to do each day and he will do them. I have been really hard on him and he is under alot of stress since his father is terminally ill. I just worry about these babies constantly and it is draining me. We need to stop the arguing b/c I know it is not healthy for the babies to be exposed to all that tension. I know that I am truly blessed to have these little ones and know that better days are coming. Thanks again to all who posted to me!!

hugs,
Kristin

 

Hi there... lots of really good advice, I just wanted to add one more thing. It took a few months but my DH and I figured out a "formula" to making it work. It's how we spend our down time.

DH has found that he needs to get away from it all for a day (or 2) to unwind with his buddies. He comes back refreshed and refocused. He started taking these little man-cations when the boys were about 4 months old.

I realized that I needed little breaks every day. We've found me a fabulous sitter who is in college, she comes by every day after class for 2 hours. I go to the gym, run errands, nap, what ever I want. If resources allow, I'd try to get someone over to help you out. I know lots of moms who do it on their own (and God bless them), but I'm not ashamed to admit I needed help and I'm a better mother for it. Hopefully your DH can find a way to relieve his stress too.

 

It DOES get better, I promise. That's exactly how I felt in the beginning. Hang in there.

 

I had those feelings too, it's starting to get better now so hang in there momma. Everyone has given you such good advice, so I'll just say ditto.

 

I also did want to mention that if these are your first, that might be a part of it IMO. I have a 3 YO and my 7 month twins. I felt like even though the twins were extremely hard, my adjustment to being a BRAND NEW MOMMY was much harder. I bonded the second time around much quicker than my first. That first go at being a Mommy is not easy. Just wanted to share, might be different for some.

 

Oh sweetie I know exactly how you feel!!! Feels kinda like you ruined your life huh? The first few months (and occsionaly now) I missed my old life sooooo much. I missed having time to myself, sleep, but more than anything I missed my relationship with my husband. I never realized how much I loved being married to him until we had two screaming babies between us. My boys are STILL very difficult and fussy- I know how draining it can be. And I know what you mean when you say you don't feel depressed (you don't want to hurt them or yourself), you just really miss life the way it used to be.
I can honestly say that is does get a little better. It won't be very much at first, but the babies will become more fun, and you will start to have enjoyable days come back. Just take it one day at a time and know that it won't always be like this. And as for your husband, it might help if you tell him how you feel (not durring an argument) and say something like "I am not a perfect parent and I know I could use some one to step in- especialy when I'm about to lose it, so please understand when I say something about the way you are treating the babies." The way that I think of it (and I know it sounds kinda bad) is that my husband and I have a common enemy now and we need to work as a team to get through it.

 

I felt the same way. I distinctly remember telling DD around 7 weeks that if she didn't smile at mommy soon, mommy was going to sell her on ebay. It gets better, and it will be sooner than you think. I found the time around 4 months to be fabulous!

 

I didn't read all the pps but I could have written your post almost word for word!! I cried so much because I felt guilty that I wasn't enjoying them, even half as much as DH. DH was laid off they day before I was induced so he has been home full time. Has been a tremendous help but we have definitely fought over different approaches and we had never fought in the almost ten years we are together. I also decided we could have our different approaches as long as we didn't undermine each other and create confusion. At 4.5 months we still have moments but fewer. I made DH start going to the gym, and I have started my pilates classes again too. Now I cry because I am more confident, less overwhelmed, and more rested (or just coping with sleep deprivation better) and I would give anything to have just one day again when they were newborn so I can experience it and enjoy it. The first couple of months with twins is unfortunately all about survival for moms. It really does get better and I can honestly say that I have such a blast with them now- even though they still wake every 3 hours at night. They are so much fun and starting to interact with each other which is exciting. I would say it happened between 3 and 4 months for me.

 

It will get better. I had those same feelings. I did not enjoy my kids until they were about 3 1/2-4 months old. All wanted to do was sleep, sleep, and sleep. I was totally mad I missed the season finale of Grey's Anatomy because I was so tired. However, when they started STTN and smiling and laughing things got better and the meds help too. Zoloft was a godsend.

 

I didnt really "enjoy" my boys until they were starting to pull up and cruise and interact alot. Day to day life was so mundane. It does get better and more challenging at times as well.

 

Don't rule out post-partum syndromes and hormones.. I had post-parum ANXIETY. I had no idea you could have post-partum Anxiety, i thought it was only depression.

It is hard for me to say as I'm high-stress in general, and had post-partum anxiety but i was so worried they were so fragile and I was afraid of even holding them the wrong way because their heads are so floppy when they are tiny... and with my whole being all I want to do is protect them and keep them safe and love them....

But I think part of your problem might be you sound like you are constantly on "high alert" to protect the babies, which can be exhausting.

But I think it is normal to feel critical of your spouse as I swear I think there are hormones that make you super over-protective on top of everything else... I think our hormones intensify this even more than normal, "super bear" momma mode... for me it is hard not to tear anyone a "new one" who is doing things in a way I percieve as not what I feel is right, or potentially harmful to our boys in any way....
The hormonal part of this got a little easier for me after I stopped breastfeeding (not why I did, I wish I could've breastfed them until a year old)...

But note I said it is normal to FEEL critical of your spouse, but it is not really OK to BE overyly critical. He is their parent too, and trust me I know from having the support of my boys dad who is a great parent a great father is so important to your twins and for your sanity. If you are overly critical you will lose all the benefit to yourself and cause stress between you and your spouse which will only hurt you and your babies. My guess is he isn't helping too much because he is avoiding some of the criticism coming from you. He may be afraid of the babies fragility, too.




Try to remove yourself from the situation, at least mentally, and think if whatever he is doing is really likely to be harmful or not. Really think about it. And only say something if it is, really, really truly a risk for harm (like choking, falling, etc.)



Ask for your spouse’s help. When he helps thank him for the help, and do not criticize if he doesn’t help in the way you imagined it.



A good partner will make things feel a little less exhausting, and help you enjoy your babies. You’ll be able to relax (let down your guard) as you and your hormones eventually realize that HE is their guardian too, and will protect them on harm, and eventually it will sink in and you will have times you can actually relax. And then you will be able to truely enjoy and revel in the love of your little ones.

Just my thoughts.

 

Like all the other pps have said, I think alot of us have gone through this. My main issue was learning to give up some control of the children to DH because he is their father and loves and cares about them too (he told me one time that I made he feel inept because I was always criticial...I had to learn to let him do things his way even though it was not necessarily "my" way) and to make sure I let DH know what I needed done. I assumed he should know what to do...see loads of laundry, wash it...nope...not how my husband works.

Plus, for me, I didn't have much "fun" with them until I was past survival mode and they were smiling and more interactive themselves so it was easily between 4-6 months that I could see the beginnings of the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I have to agree with you, I didn't enjoy my girls for awhile... not until about 4-5 months old, then it was like this big realization, wow they are fun... lol. hang in there, you're doing your best to take care of their physical needs, you're going to enjoy them, i promise. =)

 

Thank you so much to everyone...each and every response was helpful to me!!!

 

OMGNESS! LOTS OF HUGS! It can be so hard. IMO, I think it is harder to be a new mommy then it is to be a mom of twins and you are doing both! So first off, way to go! There is just so much to learn. Your hole life changes! Reality takes on a hole new meaning! NOTHING is the same again. Give yourself some slack. THis can be hard and just down right ugly. There is nothing glamours about this. No one talks about the crappy diapers, and the endless amount of spit up that you are wearing, and the days you go without a shower. This is hard stuff and a LOT of work. This may or may not apply to you, so... sometimes it takes time to bond with your babies. AND THATS OK. Your baby is a person and just like meeting a new person it takes time to get to know each other. You might have carried them in your belly, but you JUST met them. Also, staying at home is not for everyone. Even a small part time job might be something you might enjoy. Just a few hours a week, some social time? Just some thoughts.

 

I wish there was some way to find my post from 2 years ago when my boys were your kids' age.

I was in the same (if not worse) boat as you are.

I was in H E L L.

And things didn't get "better" for me until they were 2 yrs old. Now it's like HEAVEN. My life is bearable again.

I would say things changed for the better at 12 weeks ADJUSTED age. They were colicky etc.

Then at maybe 6 months.

And then 2 y rs old. They can talk now and it's just like dealing with REAL people now.

I feel lazy sometimes.

I did IVF too and seriously REGRETTED my decision for about 9 or 10 months. I was convinced I made a hUGE mistake. I cried every single day and Bitc*ed constantly. (wait, I still do that!)

Ick. I hate to even think about it.


I just wanted to let you know that people do a VERY good job at disguising their anguish around having children. I think people put on a HAPPY face and act like it's just WONDERFUL 24-7 and the truth is-- it AINT!

I am like you, I admit when I'm sinking. I find that much more admirable than acting like you are just Mary Poppins and digging not sleeping and cleaning poop all day.

Hang in there. From one sorry sap to another.. you will get thru it and you will definitely look back and shudder, you will, but you will be HAPPY and ENJOY your babies very soon. Just remember EVERYONE goes thru it. It will ALL be worth it!

 

I think the first 3 months are really hard. I find the my enjoyment of all of my kids increased dramatically once they started smiling, laughing, and just responding in some way. At one month, I was really stuggling with my twins and I secretly feared that I would never love them as much as I love my first two. Now at 5 months, I can honestly say that they fill my life with joy and I've come to absolutely love being a twin mommy.

 

I think the first 3 months are really hard. I find the my enjoyment of all of my kids increased dramatically once they started smiling, laughing, and just responding in some way. At one month, I was really stuggling with my twins and I secretly feared that I would never love them as much as I love my first two. Now at 5 months, I can honestly say that they fill my life with joy and I've come to absolutely love being a twin mommy.

 

Kristin, I wrote exactly the same post as you have here when my LOs were born and totally sympathise with you. My DD cried a lot every day until she was 6 months old and I was afraid we would never connect. I also conceived my twins through IVF and totally understand that you may feel guilty about not enjoying them and the fact you went through so much to have them. Please know this is normal to feel this. I didnt get much help or support from my DH either and that hurt a lot. I would suggest talking together and saying how you feel. That helped me & my DH a lot.

Things definitely get better. For me it happened around 6-7 months when the babies were a little more independent. For many others, things get better much, much earlier so don´t be put off by my experience!

What I would suggest is getting some help in. Have you got family or friends that could help out? My BFF helped me in the afternoons when my LOs were 5 weeks old and she saved me from going mad! (DH didnt take his paternity leave he said he would and used work as an excuse to get away). My MIL also helped a lot. Once September came we got a lady in to help in the afternoons so I was able to have a break. My LOs were 3 months old when she started and she was fantastic and they loved her. We dont have her now as mine go to daycare but when they see her they go mad with joy! It depends if you can afford it. We scraped by but it was worth it.

You can totally do this. Being a mother to twins is the hardest job I´ve ever had but it is very rewarding when you see them grow and smile and reach for you. When "mama" is called, your heart will melt and this is all waiting for you! :youcandoit:

If you ever need to just vent, please feel free to PM me. You are not alone. :hug:

 

OMG...as my PP have said, I too experienced these exact same feelings with my first. When my son came I envisioned infancy to be so wonderful and it was AWFUL! In addition to having severe issues with breastfeeding, I too felt like my life was over...I had no more freedom to do what I wanted to do. I felt like a prisoner to this baby. It wasn't until 3-4 months that I really felt like I connected with him. I remember at 7 weeks thinking...I could be taking care of *any* baby right now, there just was no connection for me. I just had such negative feelings because I was so frustrated and scared that I would never have a "life" again.

In hindsight, I believe that I definitely had baby blues if not a light case of PPD. None of my friends seemed to be as upset by this as I was. They certainly were frustrated, but not to the same degree. I wish I had sought more help, but even with a singleton you feel like you have no time b/c the baby is either eating, sleeping (briefly), or fussing.

Here's the good news: It gets SOOO much better! I am a SAHM and I am so happy with my life now. I love my son to pieces and I certainly recall all of those negative feelings but don't feel them anymore. I did get some babysitting help which makes a HUGE difference and I go out with girlfriends for dinner about once a month (which is another lifesaver). I don't miss my old life anymore, although I wish it was easier to get away on vacations without my son. Your life gradually will change and so will you. It takes time but it happens! I would highly, highly recommend talking to a therapist, my OB was just very quick to prescribe meds without much talk and I think sometimes all you need to do is talk.

I am expecting my twins anytime now. I am just shy of 34 weeks and have spent almost 7 weeks on hospital bedrest. I am terrified that these feelings will resurface, but at least now I will know what to expect if they do come out. The good thing is that my life is so different already that hopefully the 'freedom' part won't be an issue.

Hang in there! I promise, at some point, you will love those 2 cuties more than you can ever imagine!!!