DH trying to help but stressing the babies out . . .

Hi all,

My twins are now 4 weeks and 2 days old and I have finally found my way back to the site and to the first year forum. My babies are doing ok -- they have their restless days and their goods days but most of the time I am able to handle them fairly well. I am completely sleep deprived but the babies stay calm most of the time with me. I also have a night nanny who charges extortionate rates but comes in a few times a week so that we can get a full night's sleep. My babies are mostly bottle fed EBM with formula top ups and a couple of bottles of formula throughout the day. They definitely have some intermittent issues with reflux and spitting up (most of which happen on my husband's watch). My DD is the "good twin" and has been known to sleep 5 plus hours at a time. My DS is the fuss bucket and he pretty much defaults to hysterical screaming after 5 seconds of being awake and not being catered to.

Anyway, my biggest problem at the moment is actually not the babies but my DH. He works shifts that change weekly, but lately he has been on early shifts starting before 7 am. In order for us to both get some sleep, the idea is that we take care of the babies in shifts. One of us is meant to go to bed for 4-5 hours while the other hunkers down in the living room with the babies. The current shift is meant to be me sleep from about 7pm to midnight and then him from midnight til he has to go to work at about 5 or 6. The problem is that he is not doing a very good job of handling the babies on his own during the evenings after work. When they are with him they are fussy and restless. He has not mastered the art of feeding them at the same time and they end up both screaming at the same time for his attention. He also clearly does something wrong when he's feeding them because they spit up loads when he's on duty. I think its a combination of him over feeding them and not burping them properly. The result of all this chaos is that I never get my full 4-5 hours of sleep (which is my max at any given time anyway because I pump about six times day and night). I end up staying awake hours longer to help him settle them and then I'm back up just a couple of hours later because all three of them are melting down, so I'm averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night and if I'm lucky I can catch another hour or so after the 5/6 am feed. Needless to say I'm exhausted from being with the babies literally around the clock, but he cannot handle it for a few measly hours. He feels helpless so he gets frustrated and impatient. I feel bad because I know that he really wants to take the load off me but he's just not being much help right now.

Has anyone else experienced this problem and if so what are some things that made things easier and helped your DH improve with the babies?

Thanks!!

 

I think honestly, you need to just go to bed and let him work it out. He'll figure it out on his own. Just let him take his shift. Is he asking you to stay up during his shift, or are you making that decision?

It's a learning curve for everyone. Go to bed, know that they will all survive, which is the goal at this point anyway, and let your husband work out his methods.

 

To your DH's credit, it might just be a fussy time for your babies! They are at the beginning of the fussy stage (which can last for the next couple months), and the evening hours (6 ro 7pm on to midnight) tend to be the worst! My Amelia, who is a VERY easy baby, still went through the fussy stage. She would cry and fuss like clockwork from about 7pm to 10pm when she was 5 to 12 weeks old. So as PP said, try to just let your DH handle it. It really might have nothing to do with his parenting skills. Just give him hugs for helping you out, let him know he is appreciated, and go to sleep!!! Get a white noise machine to block out the fussing.

 

No, he's not asking me to stay up at all. Quite the opposite in fact. He tells me about a million times to go to bed but I just feel bad leaving him with the unsettled. To be honest though, once I'm asleep, I hear NOTHING!!! They never wake me up.

 

If they are spitting up a lot and you suspect reflux I would highly recommend thickening your EBM with a homemade thickener made with xanthan gum. I've been thickening our formula with that for close to a month now and it works GREAT. My babies rarely spit up anymore. They also rarely spit up on Enfamil AR (for acid reflux, with added rice starch), BUT that caused horrible constipation. We don't have those constipation issues with this xanthan gum thickener, at least not near as bad, and one LO's mild constipation is probably due to the prevacid he is taking.

I sound like a broken record because this is the second time within a couple of days that I have recommended the xanthan gum thickener, but it works SO good and it is really cheap! And as long as it is mixed good it doesn't clog bottle nipples like cereals do.

Here is more info on various ways to thicken formula and it includes that homemade recipe. But don't believe when they say you can shake the xanthan gum and water mixture - use a hand mixer instead! Also, adding 1 tbl of thickener to only 4 oz of formula/BM is _way_ too thick. We add 4.5 tbl to a 32 oz batch of formula and that works great for us. It has an egg nog type consistency.

Thickening formula for reflux

 

Go to bed! I missed the time issue, but I completely agree with the PP that they might just be fussy at that time of day. At that age, mine just cried from 7 to 10 no matter what we did.

ETA: And, I went to bed during that time and let DH and my mom (who was staying with us) handle it. You need your rest. You really do. I know it's hard to step away, but you are doing it to be better able to help them the rest of the time.

 

I agree with Rachel, go to bed! You know he loves them, they are safe & cared for and will be fine even if they cry a bit and so will your husband. He will learn his own routine of what works for him if you just leave him to it. Enjoy your sleep!

 

I agree with previous posters. GO TO SLEEP GIRL! He WILL figure it out. They WILL find a routine together. My hubby and I do "shifts" also. We have an almost three year old too, so life is non-stop and sleep is hard to find. But, when it's my turn to sleep, I turn on the fan to medium, so I get the noise blocked out, and I sleep! My hubby has found his way, granted these are babies two and three for us, so technically he found his way with our daughter, but still, two is a bit different and more demanding. Wow, talking about sleep is making me wonder what I am doing on the computer...I need to go to bed too! My twins are three months and sleeping 5-6 hour stretches now, so things are looking up!