Husband Rant

Not really a question...just venting. I am sooo tired of my husband just not getting what I do everyday. He comes home from work last night and was helping to make dinner. I stay up with the babies all night and then all day while he is at work. I told him I was going to take a shower and he said he couldnt watch them as he was making dinner. The kitchen is right off the LR and the kids were in their swings. I told him to suck it up, I multi-task all day long and needed a break, and got in the shower anyway. He then proceeded to tell me he is so tired of hearing me say I need a break and doing this all day, that he works all day too, blah blah blah. How can you get it through to them that its different when you cant even go to the bathroom or eat because of two screaming babies all day? I have told him that going to work is easier anyday. (I have always worked FT but with daycare expenses we cant afford this as daycare would cost more than my income!) He seems to think that because he will take a "shift" now and again and they nap most of the time when he has them, that my days are filled with babies napping on easy street. I have tried to explain that it is different on no sleep and going from 8pm to 4pm the next day with minimal sleep but he just doesnt get it! Anyway just a vent...The man is really aggravating me!

 

Ugh! I'm sorry you're dealing with this. A 10 minute shower is a problem? Seriously? :angry:

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I can't help myself... (sorry). Absolutely take a break when he's around!

Also...

Believe me, for some of "them" it won't get through unless, they are left alone with both babies ALL day, without any help and no preparation. I highly recommend you do it over a weekend or something. Call me mean, but I do believe lessons should be taught (in these cases) if talking doesn't work.

Hugs... and please take a break! You need one!

 

:hug:

I agree with Anne: some things are best learned by doing. When my singletons were 4 and 2 I went to visit a friend who lived about 2 hours away for a day. Mind you, the older one was PTed and XH didn't have to do any housework, that was all done. He just had to watch the kids for a day. I called him as I was about to leave to drive back (this was back before cellphones), and he whined, "You're just now leaving? You've been gone eight hours!" And they weren't twins, and they weren't babies.

eta: change word for clarity

 

:grouphug: I went through the same thing with my DH. Although he will now say "I don't know how you do it all day", I still don't get many breaks. If you have the kind of relationship where you could leave him alone for a morning (or longer) with the babies w/out him having a hissy fit (like mine) and making things worse, I'd go for it. I had a hard time leaving my babies, but I regret not leaving them with him alone more often.

 

:hug: Even if you have him take over for the weekend that might not help much. Taking care of them for 1 day when he has nothing else to do is still going to be easier than what you do each day. Part of what makes it hard is the day-in day-out monotony and trying to get other things done while you take care of babies.

I think a lot of us have gone through this. Hopefully after a little time he'll see what it's like.

 

I agree with Aimee. You both are in the thick of it right now with 2 month olds and I am sorry you are going through this right now :hug:

 

Having infant twins is tough. I think I may have blocked out most of that stage because it was just flat-out stressful. We had a seven year old, a 1 year old, two newborns and for some reason major construction going on at the same time. :lol: And, I remember DH and I (who were "veteran" parents at this point) constantly snapped at each other. We both had certain expectations for each other and we both needed a break and there just wasn't any time for each other, let alone ourselves.

You're right. He probably doesn't understand. And, sticking him with kid duty for an afternoon probably won't change that, and if I'm being honest I just don't think that approach always works and it may just build up more resentment. I think it just takes compromise and time. This is all still so new to both of you and there's a huge adjustment period with just one baby. Having twins changes all the rules and takes everything you thought you knew and turns it on it's head. Talk about it and see if there's a way for the two of you to have your needs met. The rule here (okay, I use the term loosely) is that I have everything ready to go for the day/night before I take off, even if it's just to go relax in the bedroom with a book. That means, dinner is ready, house is picked up, and DH has what he needs for the night and it works great for us.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. We've all been there in one way or another. I hope you find what works for you and your new family. :hug:

 

I agree with Aimee, in that leaving for a day or so doesnt solve much since its not a true representation of what you do day in and day out. Also agree with Gini, in that it just takes time and some compromise. You need to find what works for you. Can you hire some part time help for a few days during the week? How about a highschooler to come over after school and give you a hand? Hang in there. Having infant twins is a total marriage stressor. :hug:

 

I think your husband is being a jerk, and you need to tell him that. I don't really care if he doesn't fully "get" what you do day in and day out, he doesn't sound like he's even trying to. It's called empathy ... we don't have to live something to try and understand it. Maybe I'm just different/lucky, but my husband would never have been allowed to behave that way. Last I checked, BOTH of you are parents. You shouldn't need to get permission to take a shower, or a day to yourself.

I fully do not understand why some women are so willing to cut the husband's slack when he doesnt step up to the plate. It's might be the way that most men behave, but it doesn't make it ok.

I full agree that you need to take the day to yourself! Who cares if when it's all over he resentful, seems like you have plenty of that right now. I don't see the good in sparing him that. Even if he hates you when the day is over, at least you get a whole day to yourself. Go get a massage, take a walk, take a nap (and someone else's house!) and make him be a parent. It's what he signed up for.

I think the advice of just waiting it out, and hoping he gets it one day is not a good plan. Would you handle another issue in your marriage that way? Not talking about it, not asking for a compromise, just hoping he find his way? Nope. I would sit down and have a talk with him about what you need from him. And he should be willing to meet you half way. You should insist upon it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, and it isn't meant to be towards you. I just don't like the assumption that women have to take care of it all, and guys need time to get on board. Or we should hire someone to help since our husbands won't step up.

I work full time. So does my DH. Trust me, being out of the house and working all day is MUCH easier than being home with those newborns.

 

We have to be empathetic to our husbands too. I have no idea what it is like to fight traffic, work, and then be expected to take care of two infants. I will never know what that is like. So some days when DH comes home and he want to veg in front of the TV and only play with the babies instead of doing any of the "chores" involved then I have to try to understand. It's got to be tough to be expected to go from one job to another.

I just think that empathy is a two way street and it's taken me a long time to accept the fact that when DH is at work he's not on some sort of break, he's working. He needs breaks too and that means time to himself.

I don't think taking a shower should be too much to ask. If his opinion is that you should shower when they are napping then I think you should explain to him that they aren't napping! Also, what I've found works for DH and I is that I give him some time alone when he first walks in the door. He gets 15 minutes or so to change his clothes and relax a little, he has to go from dealing with idiots all day to totally changing into a family persona so it takes him a few minutes to cool off and relax. Maybe you could see if something similar would help you and your DH.

It's just so tough when you have newborns. It will get easier.

 

I don't think anyone told her she should just wait it out (maybe this isn't directed at me, but I guess I feel like it is). I specifically said to talk to him, because I don't think taking some sort of passive-aggressive, "here you deal with it" approach helps anyone. Instead, you have a possibly resentful husband who's stuck at home with two babies, in the exact same situation the OP is dealing with right now. To me, it's the equivalent of pinching your kid in return for them pinching you and saying, "how does that feel?" It doesn't get anyone anywhere. At least, not anywhere good.

In our marriage, compromise and time works. Four kids and ten years later, we've finally gotten that figured out and while it doesn't make me an authority on anything, I feel like my opinion is still valuable and worth thinking about. But, opinions are like (censored) so... :lol: And, my husband STILL doesn't get it. He is a fantastic husband and a terrific father, but he still does not fully get it. And, it's just silly to expect him to. I don't fully understand what he deals with at work. I can empathize and do my best to make the situation better, but it doesn't work unless we talk about it.

I think (like Aimee said) it's a two-way street. I give my husband what he needs, he gives me what I need. If I need a break, I make life easier on him so I can have one too. And vice versa. I know every marriage is different, but I was just giving another approach to dealing with the situation. Not a "well, just step back and let things take their course." I certainly don't think marriages work well that way.

 

My husband was the same way when the babies were little. It's frustrating to be sure, but leaving with him for a day didn't make him understand. Honestly, whenever I left them for the day, he would watch them but absolutely nothing else got done (no laundry, cooking, etc.) so he actually thought it was easy & still didn't understand my point. And, even though I liked having the day off, I still had to come home & do all the stuff I would have done if I had been home anyway. If I were you I would definitely talk to him & try to make him understand how you feel, having a shower (or going for a walk, or the grocery store, or whatever) is not too much to ask. He is their father & has responsibilities too. :hug: For what it's worth, my husband has gotten much better as they've gotten older. I really just don't think he was a real "baby person."

 

I honestly do not understand how anyone can consider working outside the home, and staying home with two babies as much the same thing. My husband works outside the home for 14 hours a day and he never needs a "break" when he comes home. According to him, he's home, that's his break after a long day. I guess like Erica I'm lucky... but no way would I consider his tiredness if he did not consider mine. Like you said, it's a two way street.

And, of course people at work get breaks.. They get coffee breaks, lunch breaks, water cooler breaks, and even a moment or three while they're working, when they can just joke around with a colleague. And, when they take those breaks, they don't have to worry if their boss needs a diaper change or the person next to them needs milk NOW. No one interrupts them when they go pee.

I'm sorry, but I think some people are doing a disservice to this new mother, by telling her to suck it up, and "give it time" when she can't even take a shower when she wants to. Perhaps, we could next suggest she hire a babysitter to come in for ten minutes so she can bathe in peace, and not bother her tired husband.

ETA: The OP made it quite clear she has spoken to her DH about this and he doesn't understand. My suggestion was not that she take a "passive aggressive" approach, but to actually take a stand.

 

I know what it's like to work, and I know what it's like to care for newborns by myself, and I can assure you that working is like a vacation in comparison!

I think it's seriously underestimating men to assume they can't understand what all is involved in taking care of a house/family. It's not rocket science, and any husband who claims to not get it isn't trying very hard. I believe they aren't trying because they don't want to. They are being selfish. They don't want their lives to change. They don't want the added work that being a parent is. But, guess what? Too late! No one can really understand what it's going to be like, the reality of the 24/7/365 responsibility of being a parent. But, we step up and so can they. They aren't the kids anymore, and they need to stop acting like them and be a good role model for their children. Just because moms can do it all by themselves, doesn't mean they should have to.

Right now, Miraclebabies, you are caring for 3 kids. You are absolutely right to be upset, and I hope you can sit down and talk this through with your husband and figure out a way to both share the job of parenting.

 

For what it's worth Anne, I'd probably advocate that approach if it had been going on longer than two months. It's still new and there's an adjustment period for everyone. Nobody said he shouldn't step up to the plate. Anyway, it's probably more of a disservice to the OP that we're going back and forth about it so, I'll leave it alone.

 

I don't think anyone can truly 'get' what the other person does all day unless they are walking in their shoes for an extended amount of time. Everyone's situation is different, and everyone handle different jobs/stresses differently. Sure, you can leave the babies for the day, but if your intentions are to just 'get back at him' or 'teach him a lesson' then it's really not going to work for de-stressing, and will most likely be completely counter-productive. You need to leave them realizing that you are doing this for yourself, and when you get home, you will hopefully be rested/revived, and not worry about what he has/has not done(unless it's feeding the babies or changing diapers!).

You've talked to him, but he's obviously not hearing what you are saying for some reason. If he truly doesn't want to hear you, then there are bigger problems there that need to be addressed. I know at that point with twinfants I was exhausted and frustrated, and took the passive-aggressive approach more than I care to mention. :blush: Vacuuming near his head while he was taking a nap :diablo:, etc, and really it got me nowhere but more frustrated. Some of our worst arguments were during that point, and a lot of it was due to the constant sleep-deprivation, and being 'on' all of the time, with no breaks for either one of us.

I agree with that, and I also want to add that the ratio between what I need/what he needs, is never equal, but we communicate and compromise. And we don't just communicate when we get to our breaking points, it has to be constant. I know that is hard when you both are tired.

:hug:

 

I know exactly what it's like to do all of that and take care of babies. I've worked FT since the boys were 5 weeks old. It's freaking hard. But we both have to pitch in and do it. It's not forever, but most of the first year is "survival mode" and you both have to do what it takes to get through it. We get breaks when they're asleep.

Ditto for both me and DH.

ITA. I have stayed home with the boys alone on several occasions since they were born, and for the first year, going to work was a million times easier. And I have an extremely stressful, demanding job.

It's easier for me to expect DH to do his fair share because we both work FT, so "division of labor" is simpler to figure out. When we get home, we each give each other 10 minute to change clothes, pee, etc. before child care begins. Neither of us sit around playing video games, watching TV, etc. until the boys are in bed.

It upsets me that there is a mentality with certain men in this day and age that they work and play, but women are on call 24x7. It's not fair.

I'm sorry for those of you who have to go through this.

 

Last time I checked, we were all allowed to give our opinion since that is what has been solicited. :angry:

I dont think anyone is making that assumption in this thread. No one is saying she should have to take care of it all. And since I am the one that brought up hiring someone I will respond and say that I never meant that in place of a husband who wont step up. It was designed as a suggestion to take some of the stress off the OP. I have the most dedicated father there is. He works from home and still manages to do a ton around the house and with the kids. However, we have hired some help part time to help take some of the pressure off of me/us. It not only has helped me a ton to finally get some time to myself to run errands without unloading 3 kids every time I go out, but has also helped our marriage in that we actually have time at the end of the day to focus on each other and have a conversation since I could get so much done while the nanny was here. So quite possible that might help her out.

No one is telling her to suck it up! Her kids are 8 weeks old!! She is right in the thick of newborn twins. We all remember that a little bit, right? I remember when mine were that little! I was sleep deprived, crying all the time, trying to nurse, trying to bottle feed, trying to pump, trying to take care of a 2 year old, trying to maintain some type of house cleaning, trying to rest, trying to take a shower, trying to (insert anything you want)! And my DH works from home! We couldnt even have a conversation. We were arguing alot-over nothing. And while she does have something to be upset over, couldnt some of it be the role of mother to newborn twins talking? And in TIME, that will get better.

As for the babysitter comment, see above if that was directed at me.

And lastly, this is a support forum for moms of infant twins. We are here to support one another and to offer our opinion on what might work or what worked for each one of us. Not to be made to feel like we are doing anyone a disservice.

 

Right. So please remember that. Anne and I were giving our advice on what we think would work: telling her to leave him home alone with the babies. Everyone basically said that's not a good idea, and it would just create more resentment. If you have no problem putting down someone else's opinion on what will work, please deal with it when people disagree with your advice.

I fully agree that in the thick of newborns everything is chaotic. The woman is ALSO dealing with crazy hormones, no sleep, etc etc etc. The list goes on for days. Instead of cutting her husband some slack, you would think HE would be cutting HER some slack. And that's what should be happening.

So, I say to the OP, stand up for what you need. Of course it will get better. Eventually your babies will sleep through the night, with or without your husbands help. And you getting more sleep, and more downtime as they get on a schedule will eventually make everything better and easier for you in your life. But I think it's setting a bad precedent IMO if that's what you do. I know women with 3 year old twins that still can't leave their kids home alone with DH, because he gets overwhelmed. The earlier you get your husband used to being an equal parenting partner, the better, IMO.

 

You have every right to rant about your husband. Mine doesn't understand the stresses of being at home doing housework and taking care of 3 kids, two of which are infants! It takes my husband about an hour after he gets home before he will ask if there is something he can do, and usually he will entertain my 3 year old while I nurse the twins and then we get them to bed. I try to shower while the 3 are napping. Do you have any other children? Could you possibly try and shower during a nap?

 

My husband has always been very hands on with the kids and helping out around the house. But, I have to say that the biggest eye opener for what I was doing all day long with the kids was when I had to leave for 4 days when they were 12 weeks old. My Grandmother was very ill and being admitted to Hospice across the country. From that moment on, he couldn't believe all that went into taking care of the kids and house on a daily basis and he had help from his parents b/c they didn't think he could do it alone. I've been a SAHM and a Work (outside the home) mom and I can honestly say it is WAY harder to be home with the kids than to be working. JMO, but you can let your brain focus on other things than just babies/kids and housework. You can talk to adults, you can sit down! That first year was very isolating for me. Luckily I had a DH that understood how things were and tried to help out as much as he could. So, I'm with some of the other girls on here and suggest that even a weekend getaway if possible would really open up his eyes to what it takes to just take care of the babies. He may not get the whole housework, monotony, not getting out, etc. But, if he can grasp what it takes to do the baby thing day and night with no break he might be more appreciative for all you do. And yes, you are right in the middle of the craziness which does make this all harder, but make sure that you keep communicating b/c sometimes we do just go into survival mode and then bam a year later and you still aren't commnunicating. Hang in there. Most of us have been there and have lived to tell the story.

 

I do everyday.

 

Just a reminder to everyone, this is a support formum for parents of newborn twins. Not just moms.

Dads seem to get excluded on here quite a bit.

Not that the person who I'm quoting had any bad suggestions, not at all. Just mentioning that this support group is for both gender parents.

 

Agreed. Unfortunately, both me and my spouse have been guilty of the sort of passive-agressive 'you deal with it approach. Twins are absolutely wonderful, but especially when they are so little, it is a lot, lot of work.

We've gotten better about trying to give eachother breaks, but I think both of us at times feel like the other one isn't helping out enough and slip and do things like that we shouldn't.

Staying at home is hard, hard work... and I wish I could have. After 3 months I do think it can be very, very hard, but I think that I was so lucky to have had that time with them, and wouldn't have traded it for anything in the world.

You are blessed that you can stay home with your children. I envy you.

That said, perhaps work something out w/ your husband so that you get at least a 15-30 minute break, for each of you, each evening? On the weekends when everyone is healthy, my spouse and I each have a day where we can take a 'break' providing everyone is healthy and things are normal. Everyone needs a little down-time, even busy SAHMoms and working parents.

 

I think all of our husbands are different and mine, like yours, didn't get that may day was rough and I would occasionally (like once a week) like to take a hot shower and shave my legs...indulgent, right? Anyhow, I did leave him alone with them several times. The first couple of times, he played it off like it was so easy. By the third time, he was about ready to pull his hair out when I got home. He finally got it and would take going to work any day over doing what I do.

Good luck and hang in there. You're in the middle of survival mode!

 

I didn't read all the PPs but I got the jist of what many are saying...here are my thoughts...another two cents that may or may not be helpful, but I know when I post I want every opinion out there and then I can reflect on what I am aligned with...that being said, some thoughts:

- Personally, I have a wonderful husband who jumped in from the beginning. But, our personalities are such that we have competitive spirits and never want the other to think we are not capable. (that is a whole other problem...LOL) My husband just assumed his role would be different since there were two babies to care for rather than one. He has even stated that he supposed if we had just one he would have let me be the leader. Still, I get to gently order and guide him every day. He jumps right in. We had a couple of sleep-deprived instances similar to what you are describing. Except, I was the attacker. He never accused my job of being easier - but I needed someone to know what I go through every day and he didn't come home and bow down so I had to say,"you know, my job is harder than your job will ever be"...I apologized later, I have went through some mourning giving up my full-time job, although I know I am lucky. And after some self-reflection, I found I was ordering him a lot and making him feel less adequate to my parenting. All of this I worked on. All of this being said, I think men are very different than women and I am empathetic to that. All I ask is a willingness to try, even if not to completely succeed. Just like men are different in so many other ways, of course they will not have that natural instinct to mother or even understand it. I am sure there are exceptions.

- You are in the thick of it and this is just when to deal with it I think. But it could also be the time to acknowledge that this is going to be tough for a while managing new children and your marriage. The specific incident your are describing - was it just a retaliatory statement because he was tired too? Or is this a common occurence? Either way, take a deep breath, recognize there are two points of view. Recognize that you ARE right, however, he also may be having a hard time finding his way right now. I do agree that many men are not "baby" people, as much as we'd wish. You have to decide what you can live with and live without until they are a little older. But you both are sleep-deprived...remember that and don't lose control. You may get more sleep and have a completely different view on this later. Also - communicate, communicate! This sounds dramatic but marriages break commonly over children, statistics are higher with multiples. Calmly tell him you want to talk about what goes on during the day, not as evidence against his point of view, but so he can truly listen to you and understand the sacrifices you have made. Then, ASK HIM about how he is feeling about fatherhood and your new relationship? I wish every man had to take Daddy Boot Camp - it so helped my husband understand how to be there, the baby blues, and what sleep deprivation can do to you. And this is just discussion around having one baby!

- Tell him occasionally that he is a great dad and ask that you recognize your motherhood skills too. Just those little words are amazing for keeping your love on the forefront. Yes, SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LIE WHEN YOU THINK HE NEEDS IT!

- Personally, leaving my DH home with them for 4 hours one Saturday was all it took...it is worth a try. He thought he understood but he REALLY understood after that. NOTE: I didn't do this until 4 mos, when they REALLY did not sleep all day and constantly were on to the next "thing." Exhausting in a different way.

Oh, wait, I know you didn't really ask a question...LOL...so I will stop now. BUT, the comments and situation you described was perhaps accusatory on both sides. I am WITH YOU MAMA and you of course have a right to rant, however, I still think having a calm, safe, conversation when you are both wanting to talk is better. He is just blind to your situation and needs to be informed gently. I cannot tell you how much things got better once they were a little older and I got a little more sleep. So, I would like to add my vote to the "wait it out" as much as you can. Hopefully it WILL improve. Good luck - you are certainly appreciated by everyone on here!!!!! :give_rose:

 

I hate these threads because I get so angry on your behalf! You are both working all day, and you are working all night. A 10 minute shower should not be a big debate. I would have a conversation with him about how you two are a team and explain what you need him to do. Don't assume he gets it. Also, don't fall into the "who does more" trap. It's probably you, but it's always an unproductive discussion.

ETA: Having read all the posts, I will add my two cents on a couple things. First, I think it is sooooo much harder when I am home with the babies. Second, I personally don't think SAHMs should do all the night wakings. You are working all day too. I never one time got up overnight with the babies when DH did not get up. He even gave me breaks a couple times when Iwas healing from the c/s. I gave him breaks in other ways. It is a give and take and a compromise; however, it can't work when one of the two parties is being fundamentally selfish and blind to the realities of the situation.

 

Your not mean but I did give him 9pmsat-9pm sun one time and he remembered for like a minute how hard it was. Despite that he still talks of how great it would be to stay at home and play with the babies all day

 

Totally agree! I think that's why he doesn't get it-no monotony, no lack of sleep-he is hands on a lot and will take "shifts" but he just doesn't seem to understand when I do vent or why when he comes home and takes 20 minutes to change clothes and relax before coming to hold a baby how annoying that is to me. I get no breaks unless he has a scheduled "shift", I have to multitask, I don't have the luxury of taking my time with anything. I feel bad even complaining b/c he is good in so many ways(tonite he let me go baby clothes shopping at Carters outlet while he handled bath and bed!)But just needed that rant yesterday when he acted like that! Thanks all for helping me feel better!

 

When I started reading this thread I thought your hubby sounded selfish and inconsiderate. And I still think he is in a lot a ways, just based on what I've read I'm very lucky to have a supportive husband who volunteers to watch the boys so I can have a bath, massage, shopping spree, etc. Anyway, your husband earned a few points with me when you said he did BATH and bed by himself!! I hate bathing our boys with a passion and won't even consider it unless DH is here to help, so maybe your DH isn't so bad He probably still needs a dose of reality from time to time, but show me a man who doesn't, LOL.