To say something or to not say something...

My husband and I are trying to decide if the issue on hand is something we want to address or if it is something she should turn a blind eye to and try to let it roll off. I'm just curious how others see the situation so that maybe I can step back and see it from the outside too.

When our LOs were first born we asked both family and friends not to put pictures up of the boys on public internet sites. This was respected at first but has now gone out the window. My in laws and one of my family members have 60+ photos up of them. They will even take pictures that we send them via email and put them up. I thought my husband made a good point by saying that if he wanted to put them up on a public site, he would have. We have no problem sharing the pictures with family and friends but just feel it a security issue to have such stuff up for anyone to access.

My husbands family also seems to go out of their way to not include me in any pictures that they take. There was a big birthday party this past weekend for a family member and everyone at the party made it into a picture except for me. If I was holding on of my children, I was cropped out and if lucky, maybe my shoulder made it in to the picture. ha! I'm not really sure how this makes me feel. I understand that people are excited about the boys but I feel like it is a slap in my face. Is it silly to feel that way? It bothers my husband and he has stated that he wants to say something to them but just doesn't know how. I don't want to create a poor pitiful me situation but they don't always make me feel like I am apart of their family and it often leads to me stressing out way too much when I know they are coming to town to stay with us and visit. ( They tend to come 2 times a month)

It is weird to me that I am asking people I don't know their opinion about something so personal but I figure I might get lots of helpful advice or stories that might help me feel better about this situation because I am sure many of you have gone through something like this. Or maybe you can help me realize that this is something that I just need to let go.

 

It would really bother me a lot of anyone in our families posted pictures of our kids after we explicitly asked them not to. But, other than just not sending them photos anymore, there just isn't that much you can do. I think you and your husband are really the only ones who can decide if the fight is worth it. Do you want to rock the boat, not allow them to have photos of their grandchildren at all, or can you let it go? While it would bother me, I can say that the result of bringing it up would totally not be worth it with my in-laws. I'm not entirely sure what your security concerns are. Is it because someone can steal the pictures, or do you just not want your identities known on the internet? Have you explained that to them?

As for not being included in the family pictures, could it be an issue of them thinking you don't want to be? Maybe they think that because you've asked that they not post pictures of your boys that you'd rather not be photographed at all? I certainly don't think it would hurt anything if your DH brought it up to his family. If it's something more than just a simple misunderstanding, then it most certainly should be addressed.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know it's tough to feel violated in that manner, especially when it comes to your children and their privacy. I hope you get everything worked out. Good luck!

 

I think you have very valid concerns and that your husband should find a tactful way to broach the subject with his parents. Also, perhaps the next time you send out an email with pictures of your twins just include a friendly reminder to NOT post them on a public webpage for security reasons. If they do so anyway then I would confront them and not even worry about being tactful about it. Of course, I don't know your family dynamic and how saying something might affect your relationship with them in the future, but sometimes you just have to put those concerns aside and get things off your chest. Otherwise these things have a tendency to fester and the resentment just builds and builds.

Good luck getting this issue resolved! I'm so glad I don't have in-laws like that to deal with, LOL My husband's family is even more thoughtful and sensitive than my own family (ha) and they would never do anything that they knew was expressly against my wishes. I guess you just need to first make sure that they really do know that you don't want your kids pictures online. Maybe they don't think its a big deal and just forgot about your original request?

 

I know how you feel about not being included. My husbands family still does this to me. I feel like all I am is a machine who produces their grandchildren or at least that is how they treat me. My husband has said many things to them but we have come to the realization that I will never be accepted. I have stopped trying, I do not go out of my way to see his parents but I also don't keep the children from them. I sometimes choose to not go to functions at all or to drive my self so I can leave whenever I want to. I don't let them walk all over me anymore and I stand up to them and everyone else on my parenting beliefs. I say that if the photos online bother you than you should say something to them again. I hate it when people deliberatly do things you have asked them not to. My motto is that no one has to like my parenting rules but they sure have to respect them. I hope that things get better for you. Good luck with whatever decision you make

 

I totally understand about the photos on different sites. However, once you give someone something, you really do not have control of it after you have given it away. I know that is hard and my husband and I feel the same way you do, but with that being said, you just cannot police everyones actions regarding things you give to them.

DH and I have facebook and a blog site and we use the security stuff that is in place. Meaning, you cannot see my blog if I do not invite you and you cannot see any of my pictures if you are not one of my friends on Facebook.

My family does this to me a lot about the pictures. Everyone is so fixated on the boys that they forget about me. I really do not think it is malicious, just an accident.

I am not sure I would waste my energy talking to them. But I would not be sharing many photos either.

Jenn

 

My first response is to say that as parent's your requests need to be honored. It is very disrespectful of them to post pictures of your kids when you have specifically asked them not too. have you asked them to take the pics down and they've refused? My only thought is maybe they've forgotten? (reaching for straws here) Bottom line, I would not send them more pics until they take the pics down.
(personally I don't mind pics on the internet-just no nude pics- but it would be very upsetting to have our specific wishes disrespected like that.

That is one of the rudest things I have ever heard!!! I would definitely let your dh say something. Personally, if my family treated my dh like that I would be extremely hurt and no one could stop me from saying anything. That is just a huge insult to you and your whole family. I do think it is malicious if they are purposely cropping you out. You can't excuse that away. It would be another story if you are always taking the picture. Are they purposely cropping your dh out of the pictures too? I don't think so. It is purposeful and cruel. :aggressive:
I want to add that I have been with dh for 19 years (married 14) and my IL's have only started including me equally in the last few years. It really bothered dh but he never said much to them. Finally it became an issue between the two of us. That's when he finally said something to them. IT took him talking to them a few times until they realized they had to accept me as part of the family or they were going to lose their son. It is much better now.

 

I understand your frustrations! Especially about the posting online of your children's pictures. I keep telling my mother that she cannot post them online, that I would post anything online that I want the public to see. I am the parent, not her, etc. If the family ignored my wishes after a couple of reminders, I would just stop sending pictures. Wait for them to broach the subject of why no new pictures are being sent out. And then just say "Oh, well there were a number of people who were posting the pictures on the internet after we expressly asked them NOT to, so we aren't going to send them out at all".

After having a stalker and knowing what I know about identity theft, nothing freaks me out more than having personal identifying information out and about on the internet.

Talk to your DH about the fact that you're not in any of the family pics. Honestly, if you're not in them, neither should your kids... or the other way around, if your kids are in the pics, then you should be too, since you brought them into this world.

Good luck, and hopefully this will all work out!

 

have been very concerned about pictures of the girls on the internet. I did not want them, myself or the family on any of the social networking sites. The entire thing makes me very nervous. I am slowly coming around to the idea and have allowed the hubby to place a pic on his Facebook and I have now placed a pic on my signature. I have justified this by wanting to share my good fortune and I will say it, show off the girls.

I am some what confrontational and I am very saddened that your family does not respect your wishes on this issue. If you feel comfortable discussing the issue with the ole' in-laws, I would. I would also mention to the husband that this might be a conversation that is best suited in person and together. I prefer face to face conversations, it is easier to read emotion this way.

I hope you find a solution.

 

I have a Flickr account. It's under a pseudonym (all my online stuff, including TS, is pseudonymous). I don't put any identifying details about where we are, and I don't use their names (DS1, who will be 18 in December, does use his name online). People can visit my Flickr and see the pics that I post. I have it set to disallow downloads. You can go further on Flickr, restricting access to only family & friends. This means that people wanting to view them would have to have an account (which is free) and would have to be on your friends list (approved by you) in order to see the pics.

Maybe something like this would work for you.

I think as a starting point I would (at least pretend to) assume that you were cropped out so it would become a close-up of the children. That would give DH a way to suggest that of course people are going to want to see your picture, too, since you are the mother. Cutting you out is something DH needs to bring up, since this is his family. He has to be the one to insist you get included as a full-fledged family member. If they really are cropping you out on purpose, they will not listen to your complaints on this matter anyway.

As for pics they take, I think I'd just stress that for safety you don't like pics to include identifying information, like names and towns.