Help me help my dd, or else I'm shipping her outta here!

:gah:

Okay, it's getting worse on a day to day basis and I'm at a loss with what to do with her. She does things (slamming doors, throwing things, just about anything you shouldn't do (and she knows this <_< )) and at first I yelled at her... then I calmly told her to please stop that behavior or she'd go in time out. Does she stop? NO!! She puts on a grin and does it again. I put her in timeout and we talk, she apologizes, kiss/hug and she tells me I've made her very angry or mad. She'll then start hitting the wall with her hand or the floor. :grr: She will go on and start doing things she isn't supposed to. What do I do? How do I respond to her when she tells me she's angry? I've asked her why... she just says I make her like that. :huh: How do I deal with her slamming, throwing and all. I'm at a loss with her.

Thanks!

 

Oh gosh, I dont have advice but am so sorry you are going through that. :hug:

 

welcome to the unpleasant part of parenthood! I am having a terrible time with 3 out of 5 right now :grr: :grr: :grr: so I am not a good one to ask advice from. I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain and you are not alone!

I swear the moon and stars must be misaligned

 

You know, one of the things I've been trying to work on with my kids is letting them know some of the appropriate ways to let out their feelings. I got this idea from a counselor awhile back. It is ok for kids to get angry and upset. We just have to help them figure out a way to express it so that it's not hurting property or people. One of things that I've encouraged my kids to do is to go into their room and they can scream into a pillow, punch it or flail their legs around on the bed. There are days where I think it would help me to do that, lol. But, they may not hurt us or our property (my kids like to kick the doors on occasion). Just a thought.

 

Leah says that she is angry at time too. I just tell her that it is okay to be angry, but its not okay to throw, hit, etc. I think they are just learning how to control their emotions. It used to be temper tantrums and now they are learning about control. KWIM?

As for continuing the behavior, I would keep putting her back in time out. She can spend all night going back and forth. Tyler will go to time out for throwing toys and then when he gets out will go right back and do it again. :gah: But he goes right back to time out. ardon: I say, stay consistent and she will learn to control herself.

:hug:

 

Ditto pp talking about it being ok to be angry: but the way she expresses it is off.

We found Magic 123 to be AMAZING. Usually Maia will be really pushing the limits. I used to feel so powerless to stop it. Now I ask her to stop, if she continues, I count her: 'that's a 1' (wait a few seconds, if she continues) 'that's a 2' (pause) 'that's a 3'. I put her into time out. She's usually still grinning at this point and keeps trying to come out of time out. Without words, I put her back in physically and reset the timer (I know it should be 3 mins, but 2 seems enough for us), this continues until it kind of hits her that this isn't a game, she cries but stays in time out. And then afterwards we have a big hug, I tell her I love her and that's it. No recriminations or long lectures from me. She knows what she did wrong. It has changed her behaviour unbelieveably. I almost never have to count her now, and when I do I usually only get to a 1 or 2 before she stops. And it's changed my behaviour, because I no longer lose my temper (it takes a lot anyway with the kids, but she was driving me nuts).

Oh and it's a quick easy read. Here's a link to an amazing summaryhe wrote, but it's really best to read the book because altering behaviour is only partly about time outs. The other half (more than half) is starting to catch them being good and praising that or rewarding it with star charts.

 

Thank you ladies. :hug: :hug:

We do use 123 Magic and it has worked until now. :grr: I'm going to have to keep on putting her in time out even if she is spending the day in there. Sigh. Why is it so hard?

Thank you also for the suggestion on how to deal with her anger. I've been telling her to go sit in another room until she can act properly but I think she'd get it out more if she were in her room and I tell her she can scream into a pillow. ardon:

:hug: Thanks again ladies.

 

:hug: Queenie!! I know this is super hard for you. We are having these problems too, but especially with Mattie. She is a thrower. She also has started to tell me "I am mad at you, don't talk to me"

When she throws things (or hits her head or kicks the wall) I just put her in timeout and tell her that we don't act that way. Like Rachel said, sometime she will do it again and smile at me... she goes back. I really have to control my :angry: because I know she is trying to get a rise out of me.

 

We used 1-2-3 Magic as well. However if Tyler gets out of time out and goes right back and does the same thing again. I dont count. Its automatic for him.

 

:hug: Liz. Consistency, consistency, consistency. Oh and not giving her any negative attention. So when you put her in time out act all bored about it. This is the hardest for me because I take it personally and get emotionally involved. As one of my colleagues reminded me "They basically don't have a frontal cortex right now... you aren't dealing with the whole brain yet!" Helps me put the toddler/preschooler behavior in perspective.

 

I've heard that the key, along with consistency, is to teach them what they *can* do instead (like kicking/punching/hitting a pillow, throwing stuffed animals against a wall, whatever you come up with that will help them vent but isn't hurtful or destructive). Afterwards, I talk to them quietly to reinforce why they had a time out in a simple way and then praise them for doing whatever it is they did correctly while time out (staying there until they felt calmer, talking to me about why they were mad, getting rid of the anger in a good way, whatever)...or praise them and *then* talk to them (sometimes praising first works better to get them to listen to me).

I'm having a lot of trouble with my daughter these days, but these are the things I'm trying to do every time. It's *very* challenging and frustrating and I just wish that this would end before I completely lose it, so I feel your pain. Good luck.

 

I compeltely agree with being consistent. Have you also tried positive reinforecement? Tell her that you like when she's says please or helps you in some way. Perhaps tell your DH infront of her that did something very nice on that particular day and go into detail.

I saw this work on tv so I don't know how it will go in real life but this particular family had two boys. The older boy was very difficult and uncooperative. Along with establishing rules and being consistent the child psych said the he more than likely acts out because that's the only way he got attention in his household. Not to insinuate that happens in your house but the point is make sure she is getting positive attention in addition to the discipline. This way her relationship with mommy isn't always one that exists in conflict.

HTH,
Lindia

 

:huh: Huh, never knew that! ardon:

That's my biggest problem, I let my emotions get the best of me and she sees how I react and I believe she enjoys seeing me upset. I know she doesn't AFTER the fact but while it's happening :gah: I get very frustrated.

Thank you guys. :hug:

 

Challenging is correct! :faint: :hug:

Thank you. :give_rose: I have tried... well, I've always done positive reinforcement but it seems to have lost it's mojo on her. ardon:

I seriously do thank you all for reminding me about these things. When I get caught up in the moment I forget all the "rules" and then it's chaos!! :wacko:

 

Well, we're not here...yet :wacko: ...but I will tell you what I do with my friend's son when I watch him. I believe he does things like this for attention so I took a similar approach to what MLH was talking about. I explained what is OKAY for him to do. That really had a major impact on his behavior!!

I hope you find a good way to work through this. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

:hug: :hug: Isn't it amazing how those little girls learn just how to manipulate and play you at such an early age!! :hug: :hug: You have to be able to shut off the 'personal' when it comes to girls. Just consequence consistently and they learn not to misbehave...until the next thing comes up. With my girls..at some point I always get to the no warning...immediate consequences. And that usually eventually moves to warnings again (where they behave for the warnings), and that eventually moves to pushing and testing and that moves to the no warning part again.

Why is parenting soooo hard at times?? :unknwn: But, we :wub: them anyway! :hug:

 

Boy oh boy! Ashlyn and Angie will be the best of friends I'm sure! :gah: We are having the hardest time with her and her challenging behaviors. I know I mentioned this earlier but the "Sad Face Bag" has worked here for us. I have a brown bag that I drew a sad face on and when she misbehaves, after 3 warnings, I put a toy in the bag. Tonight it was a brand new book we were supposed to read at bed time. She was SO upset, I know it hit home with her. If it's something that is a danger to her or someone else (hitting etc) then she goes to time out. If she isn't listening, purposely misbehaving, talking back, whining, then it's the sad face bag. Sometimes I send her to her room too. :crazy: Why is this so hard?? I see in her face it's total manipulation too, she'll look at DH and cry b/c she's sad he's angry at her. :shok: :crazy:

 

You've gotten some great advice here, Lizzie. I have nothing to add really but :hug: 's!

 

Love the sad face bag Lou. I just might have to try that. :good:

 

generally if I can't beat 'em I join 'em - I start screaming like a crazy woman and slamming doors...it makes them laugh, breaks the moment and makes me feel better (I've always been a door slammer)...

but please don't use my method - I know that sooner or later it will backfire and I'll have to find something else...

 

It's funny that you say this because what I've found does stop the craziness is if I do something to make her laugh. BUT I was feeling like that isn't doing anything to help her deal with it or how to avoid it in the future. :wacko: Does that make sense?

I'm a door slammer myself and my husband thinks it's funny she got this from me when she's never seen me do it. <_<

 

makes perfect sense Liz - I know I'm not helping anything but it keeps me from boxing them up and sending them to Abu Dhabi...both of my kids are expert door slammers at this point...they get mad, run in their room and slam the door...

 

:laughing: Good, I'm not the only one wanting to send them far, far away at times. hew:

Question for you all, I've been trying to get her to go to her room if/when she's mad and is having a tough time getting over it, but she won't. :grr: Should I take her up there or let her be? ardon:

 

I usually take them if they won't go willingly. ardon:

 

Thank you! :hug:

I wasn't sure what to do. :blush: She's got me second guessing everything I do!! :gah: :gah: :gah:

 

I have also taken mine to their room if they need to "cool down" even if they don't go willingly. I just tell them they need some time to cool down and when they stop crying/screaming, whatever, they can come up. It works well for us. Sometimes they just need some time to let it all out.

 

oh yea I'll pick up the whining little ball of diva and deposit her onto her bed and tell her when she's calm she can come out - it generally only takes her less than 2 minutes but by that time she comes out and she's better...