Sometimes I wish I could have a job..

I'm a SAHM... not really by choice because finding a job here has been hard for me (I have a college degree that is pretty much useless here), and there's no way I would make enough to cover daycare anyway.

I like being at home, but I really think they would have better care in daycare or with a nanny... They're delayed in several fields and I find it impossible to have any kind of structural activity with them... they fight over what I'm giving them, put it in their mouth, won't let us read to them because they won't sit still 10 seconds and will just want to play with the book etc. Every time I sit with them to play they beat me up (hitting, hair pulling etc), fight with each other etc so after 2 minutes of warnings I give up and put them down. Forget the physical therapy exercises I have to do with DD, she just wiggles away after 5 seconds!

Every morning I need to find something to do with them or they'll drive me insane... most activities around here are too late for our schedule (10am reading time, really??), so more often than not it's the grocery store or I have to deal with tantruming kids at home... I keep buying toys hoping it will give me 30 minutes of peace, and all it does is make them fight over it more...

And I'm tired of cleaning the meal mess three times a day! The floor is a mess (my dog doesn't pick fruit grrr) and I just feel it's totally useless to clean because it will be a mess again 2 hours later. And they're in the picky stage so forget trying to figure out what to feed them!

Does anyone else feel like this? People always say how great it is to be a SAHM, and it is, but at the same time, I'm sure they would benefit so much more from experienced care givers...

 

:hug: It's a tough age, for sure. :hug: They are exploring ALOT but still don't have the communication skills they may need to express what they want/need and that usually causes tantrums. I felt like you alot during the second year, and the third year (age 2) was a great time. :good: I'm hoping it's the same for you too!! The time does fly by. If you strongly feel like they could benefit from daycare, have you looked into half day programs for two days a week or so?

 

There are a lot of days that I feel like I could have written your rant myself!
Then there are other days that I'm glad I get to spend so much time with my kiddos.
Just this morning, a singleton mom called me and asked if I wanted to take my kids to the park with her and I had to try to explain that my guys are runners and without enough adult hands, nobody will have a good time. She did mean to but her insistence that we go and my continual saying no made me feel like a terrible person who never does anything with her kids.
Its times like that that I really feel like maybe they would be better off in daycare (if I could afford it). I'm struggling right now, as I type this with feeling like I'm letting down my kids. Ultimately I think us SAHMs of twin toddlers have to cut ourselves a little slack and say that we are doing our best and this too shall pass.
I know that things will get better in time and thats the only thing that keeps me from beating my head against the wall every day. Still, keeping it all in perspective is a lot easier said than done.

 

WOWWW> 5 minutues ago I thougth about logging in and writing the same you did!! I was outside (they are takig a little afternoon nap)
thinking I wish I could go back to work.... but for the same reasons (daycare is more expensive that what I could make)
I stay at home with them. I feel fortunate to be able to be at home, but routines and being at home kill me...
there is so many trips to walmart that you can do. The days that I'm (and they are) the happiest is when we go
to the mommy and me class twice a week which takes up most of the afternoon. I keep surching for other activites
but everything is so expensive... I hate the fact that there is a pool in my association and that I can't go with both of
them (and do not know anyone who could go with me)
the highlight of my day today was going to get the oil change...

 

:hug: Staying at home is not easy. There were days when they were younger that I thought I should go back to work because it would be so much easier. Hang in there though, it does get easier. :hug:

 

I definitely have days where I feel like that. I took mine to a free trial gymboree class one day and they loved it. I felt guilty that they don't get to go out and play with other kids and do fun activities like that very often. And there's no way we can afford gymboree at this point.

But I have found a few free things that are good for them, and makes me feel better for getting them out. It is very tough and stressful on me, but I know it's good for them. Like the library - we haven't gone to story time yet because it's too early. But there is a play area with books and puzzles and toys and they love running around and checking everything out. For me it's stressful because it's not completely closed off. But they surprised me last time and were very good at staying near me and listening. I think for some things like that, the more you do it, the more of a routine it becomes to them and they're better at being out and listening. Same with the park. Big stress for me, but they love it. And I absolutely dread the double tantrums when leaving. But in the end I'm glad we got to get out and give them the experience. I tried the play area at the mall the other day for the first time. Very hard keeping my eye on both of them as they're climbing all over the animal structures, but it got them out and doing something new (and it was free!) The more we try new stuff like this, the better we're all getting at it.

My big fear lately is just taking them both out in the morning and letting them run around the yard. I would love to let them explore and run off some steam and play with their ride on toys. But it makes me crazy chasing after them and worrying about the street. We usually just end up in the wagon going for a walk instead. But today I made myself do it, and we played with chalk and a big ball and some toys and it went ok. Not perfect, still stressful and scary, but I think if I keep at it it will get easier - and we'll both learn from it.

Some of the activities we started doing a couple months ago, they have gotten better at over time too. The first month or so with crayons was a pain. Yes, they alwaysed ended up in their mouth or on the floor. But the more we do it, the better they listen, the better they get with using them and the more excited I get to watch them do it. Another fun thing has been stickers. I let them point to the one they want off the sheet, I hand it them and they try to stick it on a sheet of paper. My son ends up with sticker on top of sticker on top of sticker on his paper. My daughter gets them all stuck on her hands and the table and I end up having to peel them all of when we're done. So yes, a pain, but still a good learning experience. I figure the more we try, the better it gets eventually, and the more they learn.

I almost posted a similar thread the other day, geared towards SAHM's - wondering when you feel it's paying off for your kids. When can I tell they're happy to be home with mommy, are learning, thriving, learning right and wrong, and will grow up to be well-mannered, happy and successful because of it? I don't know if there will ever be a point. I do know they are very attached to me, which is good and bad. But I absolutely love when they run up and give me hugs without me asking. And when I left them with my MIL to go to the dr. the other day, my son was absolutely beaming when I walked in. Or I see one offer a toy to the other, or give up their own for them, or run into their bedroom to grab their teddy bear and make sure they grab their siblings as well because they know they would want it too. So I guess these are some small signs that it is all worth it, to them and to me, even if it is a slow process.

I have found getting out for a little each day, and doing a small craft activity, and then maybe for a run or walk in the evening, really helps break up the day and keeps my spirits up. If I don't work at it and force myself to do these things, it is very easy to get down and feel trapped (and I have plenty of those days too). I'm really dreading winter. I'll be more nervous about getting them out more because of all the germs going around. And the cold weather - getting bundled up, warming up the car, not going for walks, are all just big depressing barriers to keep us inside.

 

Oh my goodness, lastnight I had the same exact rant!! I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but then again I have always (until I found out I had twins) wanted single babies spaced 3-4 years apart... God blessed me with twins, and my husband is awesome and lets me stay at home with them. Lastnight though I just wanted a break, I cooked dinner when hubby got home from work, and I just wanted to watch Americas next top model in the privacy of my own bedroom without anyone clinging on me, and after that I wanted to take a shower, because God knows I can't during the day, especially because I was dumb a couple of weekends ago and got a puppy for my kids... ahh! So I cooked dinner, went into the room, turned on ANTM and was enjoying my peace and quiet, not ten minutes later my cell phone rang... my husband calling me from the kitchen. He says he misses me, and he wants all of us to eat dinner together. Fine great, wonderful. I went in there, all he could talk about was work, work, more work, and how miserable he was. First of all, I have no clue what anything he works on means, and all these programs he uses, what??? So it sounds foreign to me, so I half way listen, but it stresses me out that he wants to quit his job eventually... so not only was I sitting there stressing about how I just wanted to be away from everyone, he gets me stressing about how he hates his job, and he wants to quit and SAH when he's rich. Fine and dandy, but don't talk about quitting your job until you ARE rich. Meanwhile, I am eating my dinner, while he is washing off his plate, and my kids decided they didn't like the meal that I made them lastnight, you know the meal I spent in a kitchen for almost a full hour preparing for my family. They threw it on the floor!!! I was sooo ANNOYED by this time, I freaked out. I felt really bad afterwards, but I was just screaming at everything. I feel like a faliure. I don't have a college degree, so when I asked another forum how much they spent on daycare lastnight... they said about 150-200/ week/ kid! Well woo hoo, I am stuck, even if I wanted to work, I couldn't because daycare would eat up my salary and some of DH's that we could barley live off anyways. Then after dinner, and crying, and putting the kids to bed, I FINALLY jump in the shower, and guess who makes his enterance? Yes DH! It's like CAN'T I HAVE 30 MINUTES TO MYSELF???? Sorry there was my vent, I didn't mean to type this long post in your thread. I am just glad to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. I love staying at home w/ my kids, I do, I don't really prefer daycare. However, sometimes I feel it would be the best for them, as far as being social, and learning more. I don't really get out of the house. I think about the park sometimes, and then I say YEAH RIGHT until they can learn to listen to me when I say NO, and Come here. I wish I could go grocery shopping at least during the day, but I am not a multi tasker, and can't push two carts... plus my kids would be screaming their heads off. Maybe one day w/ DH is with me we could get the cart w/ the little car infront. Then I worry about the swine flu. It's never ending. I hate cleaning, once I start cleaning the kitchen, it is another meal time and the dishes are stacked in the sink again, the floor is dirty, so I rather just wait until the end of the day. I hate cleaning the living room and playroom, because everytime I put toys up, they go right to the basket and dump them out again and drag them all over the house. :gah: sorry again... another vent! Your not alone, and it feels better to know that I am not either.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for this post!! It makes me realize, sure it may not be easy on me, but what matters is what joy my kids will get out of it, and like you said... it will get easier w/ the more practice. So thank you!

 

Hi!
I feel pretty much the same way. My twins are just a little over one now. I used to make enough to cover child care before I gave birth. Now I'm not sure because I would want a job with less 24/7 responsibility. I miss working. I miss feeling competent in my career and having interesting conversations with adults. I miss have an identity besides being a Mommy.

Intellectually, I know I'm lucky that I can stay home for now. But I feel overwhelmed some days and think I'd be better off working part time. About every 2 weeks I end up going through my professional job ads. I start fantasizing about going back to work. I'm trying to hold off right now. I think (but I'm not sure) I might regret going back to work this soon.

I try to go out every day, or I'll go nuts. I've tried to two play dates recently. One was in a small park with no fencing. Another was in a home without childproofing (she has younger babies). I spent the whole time running after my DD who is walking. Then my DS would be crawling off in a different direction getting into something. I think I managed to have about 10 minutes worth of adult conversation amongst all of the chasing. Was it worth it? I don't know...
We haven't gone to story time or to the beach because I don't think I can manage both of them on my own.

The only thing that has saved my sanity is going to the gym. We have a YMCA nearby. I go at least three times a week and I can have them in child care for 2 hours. They are familiar with the caregivers now, and seem to really like it there. They don't have many structured activities, but they have a lot of different toys and play equipment.

Ugh..3 meals a day drives me nuts. I'm going out to dinner (at a diner) with a girlfriend tonight and I'm bringing the babies. I'm hoping it will be fun to spend time with my friend (no kids), but I'm afraid it will be a disaster.

I'm frustrated, too! I know it feels crazy, but I'm sure you are doing a great job with them. Hang in there!

 

OK First of all you are doing a better job than daycare..lol. I get you have to discipline them from hitting you but are you spending enough time on the floor with them so that your presence isn't so exciting or a novelty? Another alternative could be...What if you just took 1 baby for a while and spent time with just them in another room so there wouldn't be a battle over your attentions and then go get the other baby. I can see that some kids are just going to toss the book but again maybe if it wasn't so exciting to have mommy there they wouldn't. As for eating... eat in front of them even if it ruins your mealtime!! My kids watch my husband and I as we are eating and I really feel they learn a lot from that and now they eat like civilized human beings most of the time with plates and utensils. If they see us eating a food it helps them to realize they may like it too. Of course we all have that annoying food toss thing when they don't like the food so you aren't alone there!

 

about the supermarket...
what works great for me is giving them a bagel about 5-10 minutes after we get there,
I use the shopping basket and the space under the sbs (the most uncomfortable eitem is milk but I get that
at the end)- then at the checkout I ask for a wagon and they take it and unload it in the car.
They are happy with the bagel and I can get the shopping done, we get out and I feel that I accomplished something!

Bagels are the only thing that they eat without taking from each other (forget toys, pacies,etc)
I give them whole grain so it is healthier

 

My kids are great when we go out. Really no problem there (yet.....). I get comments all the time about how well behaved they are. Just sometimes putting DD back in the car seat afterwards is a wrestling match but really the only time ever one of them screamed in a store was today because I gave DD a book and took it away when checking out (which she never does with anything but they just have that fascination for books).

So at least the grocery store trips work fine! It's the rest of the time...

But yeah I spend time with them. I'm with them 90% of the time now, I hold them, talk to them, but I guess the 'being at the same level' thing is the novelty as they just never leave me alone when I sit with them (or on the couch, which is pretty much the same thing now). Mealtimes, well, it's mostly from taking the bibs off all the time (yes even when I'm right there), smashing food, throwing it away because they don't like it etc... They're getting pretty good with a fork, but they still throw food all the time... They don't eat much when we eat with them though so it doesn't help (plus there's always a huge mess on the dining table thanks to dh)... I just can't wait for them to eat like civilized people, lol.

But no, impossible to spend any time with one in another room. They refuse to stay on our laps and just want to explore (and the one left alone will melt down). Honestly I just have no idea how I'm supposed to teach them anything when they can't sit still, or the other one is always interfering...

 

I know just how you feel. I had a mini meltdown the other night about just this thing. What my husband doesn't get is that his life has not changed all that much. He still hunts, fishes, plays softball, goes to the gym and has an interesting job. I don't get to do anything except cook and clean. I used to have a great job, I went to the gym, I had friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys, but sometimes I feel like I'm not even me anymore. My boys are way too active to take them anywhere by myself, so I end up sitting at home. No matter how good of a mom you are, you can't play with them ALL the time. I get so lonely and bored. Daycare is too expensive to justify my working outside the home. (sigh) Yeah, you are not alone in this.

 

Ok, I'll tell you a secret. I hate sitting on the floor with my kids. :spy: Yes, they would just crawl all over me (Caleb does too), fight over me, etc. I felt like they played better without me (still do, now that I can actually send them downstairs without me). I thought I was going to absolutely lose my mind between 12-18 months. You should be coming out of it soon! It's a tough stage. They can physically do more things, but don't quite grasp the whole listening and following directions thing.

What really saved my sanity was joining a MOMS Club (it's a SAHM support group, not a multiples group - www.momsclub.org). It gave us things to do, gave me friends, got the girls more social and now they have a lot of same-age friends. Look for playgroups in your area if you don't have a MOMS Club chapter.

Yes, sometimes I do still feel like this, when they are driving me up the wall and I wonder if being a SAHM is the right thing. I'm also in the situation where I wouldn't make enough to cover daycare, so SAHM it is.

 

another place to find a local moms group is www.meetup.com you can look for local mom's groups, they are just local groups that someone signed up on meetup for... usually the ones we have locally meet at public places etc. its a nice way to get together with other moms w/kids the same age.

at the grocery store, I finally tried one of those cute carts that the kids sit beside each other with the steering wheels and you have a full cart in front... ours here in Florida are shaped like space shuttles... anyway, mine LOVED it, you'd think they were on a Disney ride! when we were in the regular small shopping cart I just gave them a canteloupe to hold... seemed to keep them occupied... they tried to bite it, but just left a few teeth marks.

I work from home, and wish I didn't have to get in so many hours... but I am still very blessed to be able to stay home with them! though I'm with all the prior posters... cleaning up after 3 meals... ugh! and sure enough, our dog doesn't eat fruit either - ha ha!! these moments won't last forever, and b/c I worked so long and hard to get our children, I try to remember to cherish every day. that's not to say I don't get frustrated w/my dd who nonchalantly tosses food... ugh! this too shall pass...

 

well that's fairly insulting to the moms who do use daycare. please try to be supportive without insulting the choices of others.

 

Unfortunately the groups I've looked up on meetup etc (heck, even the libraries here) only have stuff starting at 10am or later... it doesn't work at all with our schedule.

 

Your schedule sounds a lot like ours on the weekends, I do work full time, but do you think you could try going to the library at 10 once to see how it works. When I don't want my kids to fall asleep in the car, I sing really loudly to them, and we clap and try to stay very active in the car. So if you got to the library at 10, I'm sure story time would be over by 11, you drive home, eat lunch at 11:30 then nap at noon? Maybe make sure you have lunch prepared ahead of time so they don't have to wait for you to make something? This past weekend DS had a birthday party to attend at 11. I took him and the twins, and we came home at 1, and they napped then. It wasn't too bad, because they were some where new and exciting and they weren't cranky at all.

 

When I had my first US to reveal I had twins the Dr sat me down and said that i will have very little fun until they are 5!!! So far he is right. I worked from home for the 1st year and ended up feeling jsut like you do now.
I then got a job, placed them in daycare and felt so much better.
Now however I am in the same boat as you. Although I have a high paying job, it will nto be worth having 4 kids in day care. Half my salary will go into the cost of this. Then after diapers and food and all the other stuff one has to provide, I will be working to let someone else look after my kids.

I will however make sure that I have some time for me and lots of help when i do go off work.

try working out a schedule for you, that way it might not feel so daunting.
But remember this too shall pass

 

Hi Ladies,
I am a working mom and I have to say that if I stayed home with my girls I think we would all go crazy. I do have to say though that ALL the money I make goes directly to child care, we have a sitter come to the house as an outside day care center is way too expensive.

Most days it does not make sence to me that I work and give all of my money to a sitter but at the same time I feel that my kids are learning to depend on other people, not just mom and dad and it also gives me a sence of sanity to get out of the house.

I do take Thursdays off and spend the whole day with the kids and I have them by myself everyday from 6am-9am then again from 5pm-6pm so I do feel like I see them.

This twin thing is HARD!! And I can totally relate to not wanting to clean the kitchen AGAIN and the stress of the kids fighting, not sitting for books and needing to be entertained.
However, my girls are going to be 21 months old at the end of this month and I have to say, they are getting a little more independant in their play.

Hang in there and when it's hard just take a deep breath and remind yourself that soon enough we will be begging our kids to spend time with us.

Be good to yourself.

 

I've tried... they napped in the car then wouldn't sleep at all. That, and by 9.30am my kids are climbing up the walls, considering they're done with breakfast at 8am... when I go out it's at 9am tops to be home by 10.30, otherwise they won't nap (they used to be able to, but now forget it).

There's no way to keep them up in the car really. I always have music on, I sing etc, but they're still rear-facing and I guess they just doze off if they're tired (DS actually often naps when we come home at 10.30am but it's still ok for him to nap at 12pm after... although usually he won't nap very long then).

 

Fran, I so feel your pain, and all I can say is hang in there I know how hard it is, and how hard some days to even TRY to think of things to do with them. I have days where all I can do is put Baby Einsten on repeat on the DVD and give them whatever they want to just give me a break. You want juice? Here you go! Cookies for lunch? Sure! You want to bite the cat? Okay, try the ear! Then DH comes home and "needs a break". Argh! I think that being a SAHM is the hardest and most underappreciated job in the world. I love my kids, but there are days I look at the want ads and think, nay DREAM about getting away from them.

Be Strong

 

I had a day like this today too! Both babies are sick, and my 5-year-old DD had a day off from K today and was driving me crazy!! I have been home full-time since my older two were 3 and 1, so I can remember what it was like working full-time(with my oldest DS in daycare), working part-time (with two kids in day care) and being at home full-time (with all four kids!!). There are pros and cons to everyting. I think my oldest two benefitted from day care, but I also think they have all benefitted from having me at home full-time. I'm not in a position now to afford day care for my twins as well as after-school care for my older two, so I am currently working from home, which is working out well although sort of the "worst" of both worlds in some respects.

In any event, when I left my job 4 years ago I joined a local organization that offered playgroups and lots of volunteer opportunities for me in the community. This was great because I got to meet other moms and kids and gave me a chance to go out at night, hang out with other adults, and work on something important (even though I wasn't getting paid... volunteering definitely gives you a sense of accomplishment). I definitely miss a lot about my job, but I also enjoy being home and always tell myself that it is a short time in the lives of my children that I'll be able to spend this much time with them.

You hit the nail on the head by saying you just want some alone time. I have started getting up at 5a to go for a walk... it's not ideal, but I have felt better starting my day off with some peace and quiet, and on my own terms as opposed to the days I'm woken up too early by the babies crying or my 5yo screeching! Definitely create some time for yourself, hard as it is to find, and maybe find some ways to get yourself and you/your kids involved in something in your community. It will save your sanity!

 

I'm not a SAHM (wish I could be) but I do have a couple of suggestions for you, hopefully. The book thing, yea, I just learned a while ago to deal with them not sitting still. I was dumb enough one day to read Dr. Suess's 'green eggs and Ham' I did NOT know how looooong that book was until I read it! They did not sit still for not one minute, but as soon as I tried to stop, they got mad and made me keep going. So they WERE listening, even if they weren't SITTING and listening...

Activities: Try looking up your local Parks and Rec. I've been able to find gymnastics for the girls (now 2.5, but they have classes for 6 months+) for $30 for an 8 week course. WAAAAY Cheaper then Gymboree or any other program I found for babies..

Fingerpaints: When my girls were that age, I went out and bought some face paint (re: washable) and put some plain white onsies on them, and let them go to town. First, of course, they had to put their handprints on mommies pregnant belly, but after that, it was all them! It was fun too. I put them on their little foam alphabet floor (no worry if they painted it) and they just had a blast painting (and eating) anything and everything. They were covered, and then had additional fun in the tub when the water turned colors..... Even now they still try to eat the stupid crayons, and I've tried TONS of craft activities, some more successful then others. Try Colored Pencils though, the retractable kind. Can't very well eat those and they can still color. I've had success with stamping crafts (washable ink) Chalkboards with chalk... Waterpaints (at that age about the only thing other than fingerpaints that I could leave them unattended for a bit and get something done)

As for getting out and about, Try going to the park. You'll be surprised. Bring your stroller with. If they want out, let them out and let them explore. Are there any free farms or anything in your area? Mine LOVE going to the farm to see the animals. I get tired of it (Really after 20 thousand visits of the same 10 animals) but they never do, so for that reason it's fun, watching them discover something new every time. Use your outings as a learning tool also. Teach them their shapes, colors, textures, etc. just by telling them what things are. Or make it into a question "What is that? That's a green tree" etc.

When do they nap?? A PP had a good idea about trying the library reading time. They're about the right age to start moving to 1 nap/day. Keep them busy until 11:30, feed them lunch at 11 and put them down. Should still sleep for 2 hours or so...

TRY taking them out places. You'll be totally surprised. DH and I used to do it all the time, take turns taking them out by ourselves so the other could get some alone time. Now we take turns taking all 3 of our babies (2.5 yr old twins and 14 month old single) out by ourselves, yet most of the time we'll end up splitting 2 and 1...

Good luck!

 

Sorry just had to shut off "baby einstein"... I was just threatening my dh the other day that I was going to go back to work. I was just tired of being unappreciated. The ONLY person who is able to give me feedback on my "job" is my dh and all I get is negative crap. I as tired of hearing how the house is cluttered, and no thank-you's for supper. I've made the same meal over and over again because I LIKE it, and since I'm the only one cooking I will make WHAT I WANT. He is gone 1/3 of the time for work, and recently was gone for 3 weeks. Me alone, no family and three under 21 months. So last night I booked a night out with my friend at 5 PM !! Yes right when all three would be crying their heads off. It was GREAT !!!

 

I'm with you & everyone else!!!
We finally had to adjust the budget to allow for our twins to go to Mother's Day Out twice a week. It has been a sanity saver!! I know not everyone can afford it....Before that, we had some friends come over & give us a break about once a week. And we would do the same for them.

And our dog will eat just about anything...I'll ship him on over!!!!

Many hugs & prayers to everyone!!!