Need some advice on MIL

Ok, my MIL is here this week. My husband brought her up to "help" but frankly, she isn't helpful. She overstimulates the babies because she loves to be in their face singing loudly to them or getting them riled up (they are 4 weeks old). She doesn't do housework or cook unless we specifically state "could you please ___" even though I told her from day one that I would be happy if she would just get dinner on the table because I am still working through getting the kids settled and getting dinner. She also either overstimulates or ignores my 4 year old (depending on her mood or whether she thinks he is too much work) and that is getting frustrating to me. My husband told me he was sorry for bringing her up because he now sees how much work it is to get her to help while taking care of two babies (i went out this weekend and left him with the kids and his mom and he got NO peace, last weekend he did it by himself and actually managed a nap). So I am trying to be diplomatic. She is my husband's mother, is there anything I can do to make this situation better or do I just ride it out until she leaves? I would offer her advice on how to interact with the babies but she ignores it and thinks I am being overprotective/uptight. I might be but at the same time, playing "row row row your boat" with a 4 week old who is trying to fall asleep really is counterproductive IMO.

 

have you sat down with her and talked to her about any of these things or is she like mine and will admit no fault?

the best thing i can do is suggest that you set a schedule for household AND baby time and make sure that everyone in the household follows it, either than or very politely decline her help. it's a shaking ground i know, i'm dealing with the same thing but in order to keep our sanity as mothers sometimes we have to be a tad forceful in our needs and expectations.

i mean, it's great that she's there to help but if she's not helping that it is just counterproductive and you should ask that she not do certain things and/or leave.

having her there could cause things to get rocky between you and your DH.

just whatever you do, tread lightly!

good luck!!!

 

i hate to say this, but it may just be easiest to ride it out until she goes home. at least it is just for a week... but i would also do a lot of asking that she do specific things, if that is what it takes you should go for it. whenever she is overstimulating them you could just ask her to wash bottles, do a load of laundry, unload the dishwasher, or the best ever-go to the grocery store!! at least your DH is on the same page and realizes that she is not being helpful, it would stink if he didn't see it too.. i hope you make it through the week!

 

I had a very similar situation with my SIL coming to visit. She was very much not helpful, didn't get up overnight with them, and complained about being tired. Seriously, I was getting like 3 hours of sleep a night at that point! I lucked out in that a snowstorm made it easy for us to suggest that she go home early for her safety. Otherwise, I would ride it out or have your DH talk to her. She's one of the few people in the world who loves your kids as much as you do, and that's an amazing thing. She may not get it right, but her heart is in the right place, right? I would use her to get as much sleep as you can, and then worry about routines when she leaves and the babies are more inclined to settle into them anyway.

 

I'm thinking, for the sake of peace, ride it out. I know it is so hard to do, but at least it's just for a few more days & then you will be back to handling things yourself. :hug:

 

OH honey, i feel your pain, i had the exact same thing happen with my MIL when the twinkies were born, and just like you, she did nothing at all and just brought more stress on to us all . No real advice though, as things didn't really end well for us (little hormonal me!), how much longer is she staying?
sending you lots of

 

She is here another week.

 

does she live in state or out of state? that would determine my course of action. i mean, if she flew in to "help" you out then yes definetly bite your tongue and try and take it all in stride but if she lives nearby i would definetly try and set some ground rules.

if she's only here from out of town then let her just fuss over the babies...you go off and relax, this may be the last time you get to do it for a while. just take advantage of it.

i have issues with my MIL too. she comes over to "help" and leaves a trail of dirty diapers where ever she goes. it's disqusting. she wants nothing to do with help if it doesn't involve fussing over my kids. but there comes a point and time when you realize "you know what, let her have it" and you just fade off into the background for a moment. take a walk, go run errands, do something to get your mind off of what it is that she is doing that is bothering you.

for sure get a friend/buddy system in place, maybe they could come over while she is at your house to "buffer" the situation?

 

If you can't ride it out and are just dying inside and seething (something I can relate to) why not put up a chore list on a blackboard/white eraseboard/fridge and hold a meeting with your husband and her and say "hey guys, here are the things that need to get done and will really help me out, so please see if you can get any of these items done with there is some down time or the babies are calm."

 

If you can't ride it out, have your husband talk to her, but don't have him say, "______thinks you are overstimulating the babies" Have him talk to her like he is the one having the problem with her. It will be much easier for her to forgive him if she gets offended by it and if she thinks you put your husband up to talkning with her she may not be nice to you for a long time. Your husband already feels the same as you, so chances are he probably would be willing to talk to her for you. Good luck!

 

If you can't ride it out I would have your DH talk to her, it is his mother. I wouldn't want to do that if it were me.

 

Im not a fan of "ride it out" simply because shes always going to be in there lives and there are going to be multiple times when she comes to visit or does things that YOU as their PARENT are not OK with.
You and/or DH need to find a way to tell her politely and tactfully what she can do to help and what is not helpful. Try to brace the blow " while I realize you dont get to see the babies that often and you LOVE to play row row row the boat with them, *I/We* find it very difficult to handle because the babies begin to (fill in the blank) etc. Perhaps the best time to play with them is right after a nap etc.

The last time my mom was here I had to talk to her about not playing with my kids after baths/before beds because of the workload/stress it was putting on me to get them to go to bed and actually sleep when they thought mickey mouse (my mom) was in our living room.

Best of luck- its hard being a parent! I just always try to remind myself that if it was a stranger I wouldnt have a problem telling them and that they arent here 90% of the time, so when they are here, they should try to do things the way our household operates normally. Otherwise, whats the point in having visitors?

 

I do think you will have to ride it out, whatever the outcome. In the meantime I would definitely be asking, as nicely as possible of course, for very specific things to be done. "It would just be wonderful if you could help by washing and fixing bottles." "DH just loves your homemade macaroni and cheese if you don't mind fixing it." If you really need a break, pick something that sends her to the store and takes forever to cook

The other ladies had great suggestions to use the time to get out some. If she's going to do it wrong, she can do it wrong without you there! I also had pretty good luck with helpful company by presenting my requests with facts (I know you shouldn't have too - don't get me started on that). It seemed by stating "In the last few years the studies show..." or "The new pedi recommendations are to..." people didn't question it so much as an over protective momma thing.

Post a schedule if they are on one and if you can make her deal with the consequences once it might help (it might not though - my mom had them up till 11 when we were home last time).

Mostly, I would say just count down the days in your head and try to play as nice as you can!