Hello all, Hoping you all can give me some ideas on how to explain to the girls why we are moving. We have been trying to prepare them for the idea that we are going to a new house (really we are downsizing to an apartment but it's fairly spacious in a community with all amenties imaginable). I keep reminding them that it's the place we went to see last weekend and reminding them of the playground, tennis courts, pool and playroom they have available. I can't believe I am coming up blank with trying to explain to them why we are moving. I have tried the honest route (we just don't have enough money to live here) and the exciting route (we want to live somewhere, where there is a playground available for you guys) but Arwen is starting to do the whole, but I don't want to leave this house. I like THIS house. I want to stay in THIS house. I know it will be an adjustment for them but I also know they are resilient at this age and will adjust in a timely fashion but it's breaking my heart when she says she doesn't want to leave and I can't think of something to say that will convince her that it is a good thing for us. I have even said that it doesn't really matter where we live as long as we are together as a family. What do you think? Am I taking the right approach or should I not even bother worrying about it and just keep saying, I'm sorry but we need to move or keep saying what I have already? Thanks for any ideas you may have.
I suspect you're seeing fear of the unknown more than a desire to understand the whys of moving. I'd start by explaining how moving works in detail emphasizing to her that her things will move with her. Talk about how there will be some change (and again be as specific as you can) but mostly things will be the same but in a new place. Kids are so fond of predictable routines and this is so completely foreign that knowing exactly what to expect might help.
It's hard when they verbalize their dissatisfaction like that. But I think you just need to empathize (sp?) with her and make sure she knows you understand her feelings. And I think you're doing the right thing by continuing to tell her how much she'll like the new house and all the fun things about it. In the end, once she's there with all her stuff I'm sure she'll be fine! However, one thing I've learned from other military parents is if you can get moved, get their stuff unpacked without them there, it makes for an easier transition than if they see you packing their stuff away, then going to an empty house with a lot of boxes. That's much scarier for little ones. That's exactly what we did with our recent move and I don't know that there was really ANY adjustment. They just left their house as it always was, went to grandma's, grandma and grandad told them about a new house that mommy and daddy were getting ready for them, then once we were moved in, and had pretty much gotten most of their stuff out, their beds set up, their toys out, etc... grandma brought them to the new house and they were perfectly happy little guys! Good luck with everything--- I think you're handling it well!
what we did with ours when we were getting ready to move was we took them once a week or 2 weeks (we built our house) to let them see the new house, see where their bedrooms were etc...after we painted their rooms we took them again so they could see what their rooms looked like and how neat the ceiling fans were etc...sometimes we took them when we'd work on the house (let them bring their toys and play in their rooms etc... I realize you're moving to an apt - but if you get the key a few days early before you move can you take them so they can pick out which room will be "theirs" (or show them if they'll be staying in the same room...maybe let them pick out their own curtains or bedspreads etc...so they can make it their "own" and make it less scary? every once in a while Ian asks to go back to the "old house" - not with fear but just like he doesn't understand we're here for the long haul...
I would just say that this is where our family is going to live from now on. Other people will be living in our old house, they need it now and we'll be here for a long time. Keep it SIMPLE!! I think Debi hit the nail on the head!
I agree it's probably more a fear of things changing. I think just continuing to talk about it is the best way to go. You could also get (or borrow from the library) a book about moving, there are quite a few out there-something like this might be good. I also think getting their room/stuff set up first (and, if possible, without them there) is a great idea and would probably help a lot.
I completely agree. I also think that everyone gets sentimentally attached to their home. Full grown adults can get weepy or sad when leaving a place full of wonderful memories. So, don't expect no sadness. As you talk about how things will stay the same, talk about how many great memories you will make at your new home, as well.
We just moved and I worried about the same thing. Before the move I would try to explain it to my girls and they would say NO! we stay here this is MY house. We moved and they have adjusted beautifully, every now and then they will say are we going back to Ga and I just say not today. I think in our case I explained things before the move for my sake and not theirs but my 2 are younger than yours. I think you have done a great job explaining to your 2 - honestly anything you say unless you say we are staying right here will not be what they want to hear - I mean that is where they are used to and moving is an unknown - I think you will find that once you are moved and settled in your 2 will be just fine and love the new place as much as they do where you are now. Good luck and big hugs!
Best wishes for a smooth move! We just moved last month and we basically just told the boys that we are moving to a "new home". We went over to the house a few times before we moved in and let them run around and play in it while we did some measuring, planning, etc. We really played up the new home but didn't talk a lot about leaving the old home. We just kind of implied it. They would squeal with glee every time we mentioned the "new hoooome!". It worked GREAT for us at this age, but your kids are a bit older, so I can understand that it will probably be hard for them. Just acknowledging their feelings and helping them to understand all of the positives of the situation should help them to cope healthily. Once they get moved in, I am sure they will love it!
Thank you all for your replies. I will take bits and pieces of things you all said. I can only imagine how "scary" and hard/sad it is for them to understand. Everytime I think about it, I'm a little sad. Again, thank you and I'll try and update you all when we have made the move.
Are they maybe sensing your fear and/or dread? We moved last summer when the boys were 4.5. We didn't even house hunt until we got here, so we couldn't show them the "new" house in advance. The initial adjustment was fine, but over the medium-term Jacob had issues. Here's what worked for us. Pack up their room at the same time as everything else. Do NOT leave it for last (thinking that it will comfort them to have their familiar things). Unfortunately they misinterpret to mean that everyone else is moving except them. Let me pack non breakables like stuffed animals and clothing. Let them draw to their heart's content on the boxes. Once in the new house, DO unpack their room first. Our priorities were their room and being able to eat and shower. Let them unpack the boxes they packed. I guess the morale of our story was to involve them. Make them part of the team to get the job done.
Great idea about letting them help me pack their room. Especially the stuffed animals. And decorating the box is such a cute idea. I don't believe they are sensing fear/dread from me. I am excited about the move. I only get sentimental when I am by myself and start really imagining we are no longer here. This is the house we brought our beautiful baby girls home to, where we set up their nursery, they smiled for the first time, crawled, walked, etc etc. I am sad we are leaving because we can't afford it anymore but we are also looking soooooooooo forward to not having the physical/financial responsibilities that comes with owning a home. We will have more time to focus on doing things as a family rather than doing things for the house. It's the right move for us and we are excited and THAT is what I'm working on conveying to the girls.
My kids have moved twice, and twice to different countries. Of course, we talk about it, read a book, show them pictures, website from the new school, etc. but I don't over do it. I personally feel if you make a big deal out of it ... they're going to make an even bigger deal out of it. So I try to keep it straightforward and fairly simple which has worked pretty well with my oldest (the twins were still young, 13 months when we left the States and 20 months when we left Europe; my oldest 3 1/2 and 4 1/4). Both times they were so excited to see their toys again after being stuck in a container for 6 weeks! They always find something new to love, and that's what I try to focus on. I don't hope to keep moving every few years, however I do think kids are pretty flexible, especially when they're used to it already.
Home is where you are and home is where they are comfortable. The first thing I would do is let them help set up their new room so they see that all their familar things are there along with mommy. Their room would be the first thing I did. I think at their young age, it's more fear of the unknown - they're not sure until you show them that it is their new home.
Well, I did the box decorating today. It was cute. They colored with markers and crayons and put stickers. Then I threw all their stuffed animals and dolls down the stairs (which was quite hilarious in and of itself. They were laughing so hard watching them roll down the steps). Then for every two animals they kept, they had to give one away. Great way to clear out those unplayed with stuffed toys and dolls. I think overall they are doing okay with the idea of moving and I know once we're there and in, they will totally be fine. I have received some advice with conflicting views about setting up their room first or do it with them. Not sure what I will do yet. I will have to go by them and what I think will be best for their personalities. I might just set it up for them because they will no longer have a seperate playroom. Their bedroom will be their playroom so I have to make sure everything fits as comfortably as possible. But I am having them help me pick out a new shower curtain, rug and towels for their new bathroom so that will be cute (if they can agree on something!!!) Thanks again all. Will keep you posted.
