Fuming

I don't know why this makes me so angry and I don't know what kind of response I'm looking for, but I just have to share this with someone.

I stay home with the girls and tend to their needs all day. Chasing after two eight month olds, keeping them fed on schedule, implementing a nap routine and keeping them out of trouble all day is getting very tiring. I am also taking online classes to work towards my MBA, so my down time is mostly spent reading and doing class work. Also, the girls don't STTN, so I get up with them since DH works outside the home. Well, DH is a teacher and the kids came back to school this Monday. Every day so far, he comes home complaining about how tired he is and takes a nap. All while I'm still keeping the girls entertained. It really wouldn't bother me so much if he didn't stay up til 11 or 12 playing computer games while I wash bottles, clean the kitchen, do laundry and prepare to do it all again the next day. I don't know if he ever even takes into consideration that I'm tired too.

How do you all work with your husbands to keep things balanced or do you do it all on your own? I'm beginning to feel very lonely and taken advantage of.

 

kudos to you momma! it's a tough job and getting an MBA on top of it...whew!

i know how you feel. my DH works as a fire fighter and then part time on his off shift at a retail store that keeps him until 7pm so i don't see him for 36 hours sometimes. i do it all on my own, it's sooooo hard. he is constantly telling me that he is tired and needs his sleep because he can't be tired for work and it just becomes a circle of who's most exhausted with neither of us getting the bigger picture. he always tells me to take a nap during the day and that that's the reason i have it "easier" but he stays up until midnight too to "unwind" from his day...

 

I'm not quite there as far as keeping up with mobile babies yet but I have my days where, i feel like you said about DH, or being taken advantage of. He works and comes home tired, and while he doesn't take a nap sometimes he will play computer games while i keep the babies entertained.

I know for me I thought that it was taking care of the babies that had me stressed, and while they do some days, i wanted babies and this is what came with it. That being said, i find what helps me is i will talk to DH when im really stressed out and try to figure out something that i can do that i will enjoy, And i need time to unwind after the babies go to bed, so ususally that means that less gets cleaned around the house, laundry gets stacked up, and my house is dusty but it helps keeps me sane. I do appreaicate that i get to stay at home with my babies but it does wear on me days as well.

 

Color me impressed! I can’t even imagine taking classes, online or otherwise, while taking care of two little ones all day.

Sounds to me like your husband needs to give up the computer games (and hopefully spend that time helping out with your girls or cleaning etc)… at least until your girls are a bit older and everyone (you) can get more sleep. I don’t know if there is a good / easy way to approach the topic, but it’s something that you should probably talk to him about.

Staying up all night playing computer games is just one of those things that we have to give up when we take on the responsibility of being parents.

 

THere is a half way point. First, Your gonna have to find strength in yourself not in your dh. Whether that be getting out of the house once or twice a month. Taking long baths, or just ignoring him. Second, talk to him and let him know you can't do this by yourself. Let him know you understand he is tired and needs to come home and unwind for a minute, but ask him if there is something he can help pick-up a bit more. Could he fold the laundry while he watches TV and then put it away before bed? Could he watch the babies while you take a 30 min bath? There is no perfect answer here. There is a lot of stuff I have learned to just suck up. For us we have a key phrase. I don't know how it happened, but Jim has learned that when I say Im gonna throw Kids Out Windows, he knows it's time to take over and let me leave for a minute. He doesn't ask, he just jumps up and takes over with the kids without skipping a beat. I don't do it often, but when I do it means business around here. You'll find the balance. A little strength in yourself and a little communication with dh and you'll get there. It can be SO frustrating though. Take a few minutes to catch your breath, this can be breaking points in relationships if your not careful.

 

This is touchy ground. I don't think you can ask him to give it up completely with out creating some resentment. There is however room to reach compromise here that will make everyone happy. This has to be approached carefully or it could explode, IMO.

 

I have no great advice, but I do know exactly how you feel! I hate it when my husband comes in & decides to take a nap, usually without even asking me how my day has been or if he can help with anything. Ugh, drives me batty! I guess my only advice would be to speak up & let him know how you feel, maybe he really doesn't know. :hug:

 

I had the same trouble with my DH (and occasionally still do). It really helps to take a minute (when the girls are asleep) to ask him to talk about how you feel. My DH just thought I didn't want any help with all the stuff I do when the kids go to bed and he plays online. I am trying harder to ask for help AND give a timeline of when I need that help. For your DH maybe you can tell him that when he takes a nap, you are feel the girls are missing out on bonding time with him. I would ask him (if it were my DH) to choose either a nap or computer games, not both.

 

I am pretty sure he can still function at work during the day if he gets up once a night. Right? That is how I would approach it. Just because you stay at home and work is no reason for him to shirk his fatherly duties when he gets home. Babies are 50/50. Whether its 7pm or 4am it takes two to make it work. I would tell him how you are feeling. I think we all feel taken advantage of from time to time. Only one way to make sure they know and that is to talk about it.

You can also make up a dry erase board of stuff that needs to be done before bed and cross it off as you both finish. When the list is done, you can go to bed and he can play on the computer if he so chooses.

 

I agree with pp. It takes two to make them and two to raise them. I completely understand where you are coming from. I take four classes online and one class on campus (MIL comes to watch them on Thursdays) and most days I'm utterly exhausted. DH works during the day then he is off to classes, so I feel like I take on most of the work. We used to fight about who was most tired, but that was only getting us closer to a divorce. We had to talk about it and I mean talk which can be hard for two rock-headed people like us.

It got better once I left him for a whole weekend to tend to the babies, housework, and his schoolwork by himself with absolutely no help. He quickly got the picture. Now, he understands how hard it is and how it does really take two people to help raise a family. Now, all I have to do is ask and most the time I don't even have to ask before certain things are done. I'm a bit of a control freak in some aspects, so certain things I like to have done my way.

If he is gone all day at work and school, comes home and decides to do nothing but be irresponsible and play computer games he knows damn well he will be tending to nightly baby duties. If he wants this marriage to stay strong he has to give in some way. Some men just don't get it and assume that since we are moms that we will do everything. I don't think so. I don't know about you, but I really wasn't ready to be a mom and when I was ready I sure as heck wasn't going to be a housewife stay at home mom either. I was planning on working, but things worked out differently and I ended up getting pregnant a lot sooner than planned. So, now I'm stuck in this role that I don't particularly like too much (don't get me wrong I love my girls). Why should I be the only one to sacrifice? Not fair and not what I bargained for.

I'm sure that once you talk with your husband and let him know that there is too much weighing on your shoulders and that you would like some downtime as well that he will give it to you. Any respectable man/husband would do that.

Good luck!

 

I did two important things in the first year. 1) I deleted Age of Empires off of our computer. 2) I had my gall bladder out and was in the hospital for three days while DH was at home doing 100% of the baby care.
Those three days were certainly an eye opener for him. That was when the girls were 7 months old. I'd spend a large portion of the previous seven months feeling and saying that he didn't get what it was like to be on 100% of the time and that he didn't do enough. He really really did not get it. But after those three days he did. I'm not saying you should have a surgery, but you should go away for a day or two on a weekend. Just you alone, to visit family, or an old friend, or even to a day spa. He, without help from his mother or your mother, needs to take care of those babies for at least 24 hours, but perferably 48-72hrs. It really ought to be a law that fathers have to do this.

 

One of the things my DH and I do is discuss what we expect of each other. I would say talk to him how you feel and see if you can come up with compromise where he can help you out, so you get a break and also have time to meet your educational goals. Good luck!

 

talking when ur not too upset. Maybe as suggested a compromise. Could u take turns having a nap when he gets home (or u could get out for a couple of hours). Sharing the chores in the evening. Hugs to you, you have more patience than me, I probably would have exploded at him by now.

 

There's a good book called The Lazy Husband that has a lot of practical and realistic advice on how to get your husband to help out more with childcare and housework. I'd say just hide it while reading it because the title is a bit insulting!

 

Thanks for all the encouraging words. I don't know if it's my heightened sensitivity due to lack of sleep, but I'm officially at the end of my rope. I've been trying to let the girls CIO for sleep times the last few days. He's been getting up in the middle of the night giving them bottles when they cry. Yesterday, I was with the girls all day and he came home and took a nap. Then after dinner, I went into the office and did 3 hours of graduate study work while he played on the computer. He did manage to fold some laundry (his) and put it away, but couldn't find the time to wash the bottles, so I had to do that at 10:30 when I finished my school work. I asked for his help, but he went to bed. THEN, after getting up and giving the girls bottles during the night, he went in and got them up for the day at 5:30 this morning and brought them to me so he could get in the shower and leave. Seriously? 5:45? I'm going to be getting up with them at 4:30 by the time day light saving's is here. These girls used to sleep until 8:00 just two weeks ago.

I am exhausted, I am miserable, I am tired and I am literally physically ill. My girls are 8 months old, not newborns. I should be past this.

 

:hug: I really think you need to have a sit-down conversation with your husband. We get so caught up in our day to day lives and feeling like he "should" know exactly how he needs to help that we lose sight of the fact that he really might not. I think that an explicit discussion about what you need from him would do wonders - with specific discussion of who is to do what. You guys are a team, and you need a team game plan!

On the video games, he's a grown up, and he doesn't have to give them up, but he does have to make the same hard choices that we all make. That may mean playing less so he can sleep more at night.

 

I know it is really, really hard to see this when you see your DH playing computer games, but I am sure your husband's own perception of himself is that he works really hard too (he probably thinks "I work all day with roudy kids, I get up in the middle of the night too with the babies, I fold my laundry ... I'm exhausted and I just need some down time to keep my sanity!"). I pretty much find that everyone's own perception of themselves is that they work hard. So try not to get into a comparison of who works harder ... it's never productive and only creates resentment.

The best thing to do is to sit down with your husband and let him know that you recognize he is tired too, but it would be great if he could help you get some down time as well. Ask for specific things instead of just expecting him to see that you are working and that he should help. Men are clueless. And ask in such a way that he will feel he is being such a great, loving husband by helping you. And then thank him for his help -- even if it's for stuff that he should be doing anyhow. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Everyone wants acknowledgement for work they've done. I just think there's no point in arguing about things. You will get far more out of him if he feels appreciated for his contributions and he won't think you are nagging him.

 

I'm sorry, but I find that absolutely absurd. My husband would not even dream of coming home and taking a nap or playing a video game, for fear he'd be exiled!! I am a SAHM but I work all day caring for them and keeping the house running, and when he comes home I expect help with the care of the babies and dinner, and homework for our other son, and anything else that didnt get done that day. Absolutely leave your husband with them for 24 hrs. It is a big eye opener. My husband always encourages me to leave to get my nails done or hair or go shopping, however he alway has my son to help him. Never the less I BF and when I come back he is exhausted and pulling his hair out. Your husband needs to grow up he's a school teacher he's not doing hard manual labor. He is supposed to be a parent and with that comes all of the household stuff as well. If you were working and he was working and kids in daycare, how would your evening be then? You still cooking dinner? you still bathing babies? reading stories? etc... while he plays VIDEO GAMES??? NOW WAY!!!

 

Oh I totally agree!! Make up a petition, I'll be the first to sign it!

 

This is what I do with my husband and it works great for me. He gets aggravated sometimes when I "dump a kid on his lap" but he gets over it just like I have to when I am tired and have to deal with cranky babies. I always try to make sure to tell him that he's a great dad. It seems to lift his spirits and makes him want to help more with the babies. I agree that most people just want to feel appreciated.

 

I am so sorry Danielle. I have no advice, everyone has pretty much covered what I would have said. I hope things get easier for you!

I hate to say but I am bit jealous of others who have husbands that get to come home everyday from work and atleast help out a bit....My husband works out of town and is only home on weekends. My twins were sleeping thru the night but now sleep from 8pm, wake for bottle at 5am, back to sleep. I lay back down for a bit. Then I get up and get myself ready at 5:45am. Wake all three of my kiddos up at 6:30am, feed, dress out the door to get my 5 yr old to elementary school (kindergarten) Back home to meet my twins nanny at 7:45am. I go to work Mon-Thurs 8am-4pm. Pick up my 5yr old from the after school program, go home, nanny leaves and then I take care of the laundry, cleaning, dinner, bath, bedtime solo....I never get a break. Just remember, you would never want to walk in someone elses shoes because there is always someone who has it worse than you.

 

I totally agree with the poster who have said it should be mandatory for fathers to have at least 24 hours alone with babies. They would be SHOCKED at what goes into it. Thankfully, my husband has been extremely supportive and helpful.

I would probably just sit him down to talk and tell him that you appreciate all he does to work and support your family. Tell him that you know he must be tired just like you, and suggest a nap/downtime schedule for the adults. For instance: my DH takes a nap, or sleeps in on Saturday, and I take a nap on Sunday. Or just mention that you really need a break from the babies and schedule something in advance like a nap/pedicure/spa day etc. If you just point out the things he does that you resent, he'll like just be defensive and won't listen. I find that the more my DH knows I appreciate the little things he does, the more likely he is to do them. It really is a double standard that men expect a big pat on the back for things like doing the dishes, when they don't even seem to notice that we do it ALL THE TIME, but it doesn't take much to pat that back, and it seems to be motivating (at least for my DH).

Good luck!

 

Not that this makes it better for you BUT... my husband decided he didn't really WANT these babies. He "only had them" for me so in his mind anything he does for them is a GIFT to me. He left the house EVERY WEEKEND for their first 4 months of life and worked until after then went to bed at night during the week. I do it all with an energetic 4 1/2 year old AND I have raised his teens for the last 6 years (their mother left). I had to threaten the D word to get him to participate at all when they both had major surgery on both hands and feet. Basically I hear you ((hug))