My kids are turning me into the mom I never wanted to be

I'm exhausted. Both emotionally & physically. I don't know how much longer I can take it without breaking.

Today I lost it. I shut myself in another room & sobbed.

My boys are so naughty. It's constant. The hitting, pushing, stealing toys, screaming, crying, whining, throwing toys, & outright defiance is overwhelming. There are few 'fun' moments lately.

Time outs pretty much don't work anymore. They put themselves in them. Yesterday, Conner smacked Aiden right across the face & then coyly said, "Time out" and sat in the corner. Now what? We've started putting them in their room (with the light out so they can't play), but it only upsets them some of the time (other times they sing). We are consistent in our rules & our actions. Yesterday, about 50% of their toys were taken away, but they STILL continued to throw whatever they put their little hands on.

I've resorted to yelling. CONSTANTLY. I SO don't want to be that mom. And my throat & head hurt because of it. And how can I scold them for yelling when it's all I do lately??? Ugh. But the alternative would be to swat them & I really don't want to do that. Plus, they laugh at me when I yell now anyway. They laugh at us when we put them in time out. They egg each other on...constantly...

Even daycare keeps sending home reports that they have trouble listening. Am I really raising such horrible children? So many people comment on how well behaved they are (in public or around strangers ...), but apparently they're naughty for daycare, too.

I really don't know if I'm going to survive twin toddlers.

And I hear THREE is worse....dear God, help me.....


(PS Thank goodness, it's not just me. My husband walked out of the house yesterday & screamed to me that the boys were mine for a while! They're breaking BOTH of us!)

 

Oh, yeah! I understand! Mine don't hurt each other much but they destroy the house, get water from WHEREEVER they can and poor it on the hardwoods and play in it, and empty out toothpast, body lotion, diaper lotions, spices, drinks, markers, pens, crayons, sticker, tape, ANYTHING they can. And yes, I know about babyproofing it's impossible to keep after my two big girls and what they lay around.

I let them watch WAY too much TV to get anything done! I used to hate tv.

It's got to get better, right?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.. we've had a couple of phases like this to date, and my main way of dealing with it (in addition to time-outs, taking away toys and privileges) is to put them in their cribs and walk away. I tell them why they are going to their cribs, then leave them in there with no toys (they have a blanket and pillow only), and eventually go and get them, when I feel ready, and when they've been quiet for a while. I've left one or both in their cribs for a good half an hour before. The least amount of time I'll leave them in there is maybe 5 minutes. and it's normally 15-20 minutes. Then when I go get them I remind them why they were put in there, and have them apologize, if it's required. Some days they have had 8-10 "crib time" disciplines. They generally don't mind- they'll lie in there quietly or talk or sing. I don't really care what they do, as long we all get some space from one another.
I NEED to do this, mostly for my own sanity (and there have been numerous occasions when I've put them both in their cribs and gone to my room and cried), and I also think that sometimes they need some quiet time away from each other, or away from me. They generally seem a lot calmer and better behaved right after "crib time". I also noticed, like you, that the more I raise MY voice, the more they raise THEIR voices.
Good luck... I know how it feels, and it sucks.

 

I can soooooo relate! I could have written this post!! Just over the last 2 weeks, our days have been AWFUL!! I have become a yeller and I hate it. I am really trying hard not too, but sometimes I get so frustrated I find myself screaming at them. Like you said, if I didn't do that I would probably clobber them (swat them) and I don't want to do that. I, too have had many days lately were I break down in tears. I have also ended nearly everyday in the last 2 weeks with a headache. I told my DH the other day, "I have stayed home with them for the 1st 2 years, now it is your turn for the next 2 years because I am not cut out for twin toddlers"!! He just laughs and says "Yeah right, you wouldn't really want to go back to work". Which he is right, but I do need a break away from them from time to time.

One thing I have noticed that has helped a little with our TO's: I use to put them in their cribs for TO, but it didn't really phase them. In fact, my DS loved it. He would just jump and crawl around and have a good ol' time. Then I tried sitting them in a chair in the LR. They wouldn't ever stay put. I would literally have to sit there with them and physically keep them in the spot. It was ridiculous and not at all affective. Now (thanks to someone on TS!), I put them in a booster chair and strap them in. It gets alot more reaction. The 1st day I used the booster chair, I think one or the other were in TO ALL DAY LONG. The 2nd day they each went in once and the 3rd day, amazingly enough, noone had to go to TO. Now, I can just threaten them with a TO and they tend to stop the behavior.

I also try to keep them busy, busy, busy. Plenty of activites!! Boredom is a bad thing in our house. They will start fighting and get whiny and drive me crazy.

 

:hug: I do know that feeling.

When I posted a couple of weeks ago about my tantruming child who ignored time-outs, several people suggested 123 Magic to me. I already had the book, just hadn't read it. So I did. And you know, now I almost only ever need get to 2 before she stops whatever behaviour needed stopping. One thing that struck me about what you wrote is that Phelan, the author, doesn't suggest that TO has to be aversive and not doing anything. If your kids start playing in their room, that's OK. (at least I think that's what he said, Diane could correct me I'm sure). We don't have booster seats (which sound like a great TO idea), so a couple of times I've had to sit and hold her (but nicely, hugging her in my lap rather than forcing her to sit) but it really works. At the end I try not to lecture, give her a hug, tell her I love her and move on.

Three isn't always worse. This too shall pass, this too shall pass, ....

 

Hi Andrea.
First, Take a deep breath.......
Now, congratulate yourself for recognizing your weakness right now as yelling and reaching out for help.
You are not a bad mom and you are not going to be a bad mom and your kids are not bad.
Your kids are testing the waters, they are finding out who they are and what they can get away with and what they can't.

I have no idea what I'm doing, I take it day by day and as a person who grew up in a YELLING house I am trying desperatly not to be that kind of mom but there are going to be days that we are just too challenged.
As long as we reognize that we're yelling and it does not become "habit" we (and our kids) will be ok.

I am reading "123 magic" right now, it talks about kids who "enjoy" their time outs and how to handle it.

I don't have all (any) of the answers but give yourself a break, raising twins is going to be one of the hardest things we ever do in our lifetime.

Do something nice for yourself.

 

I think we could all have written this post at one time or another -- you are not a bad Mom. Your kids are testing you and learning how to push all you buttons. Bad days are really bad for us. Luckily each phase will pass. Is there anyone you could get to help out for a bit? Maybe a Mother's helper or SAHM with kids in school? I agree with PP to keep them as busy as possible. If they behave well outside the home, get them out. Hang in there, things will get better.

 

I am about in tears reading this post. My throat and my head hurts as I sit here reading from just yelling so much. The boys have been out of control the past few days. Into everything, climbing all the gates, turning on water the list doesnt end..... To add to it my DH has been working a side job to help with bills so I'v been alone all last week and will be this week. I am naturally a yeller, which I kind of told myself was better then hitting them but who wants to be yelled at all day right? So I have been really good about it the past few months. Today and yesterday were horrible days. I felt like that was all I did.
I'm lost on what to do?
I try so hard to play with them to distract then from bad behavior but that just makes them fight over me or toys (more then they normaly do). I usually end up leaving the house with them to go shopping or turning on Elmo just b/c either of those are the only way I can get them to just stop for more then 5 seconds.
Is it like this for mothers of singletons or is it just this overwhelming b/c we have 2? and god I can't imagine 3 being worse. I may have to go work!
I hope this stops for all of us asap!

 

Thanks, Ladies. Your support & posts mean more to me than you'll ever know!

By the grace of God, both boys took a 2 1/2 hr nap today! It gave me time to sit (in peace & quiet) and recoop. We played at the park all afternoon, had a nice dinner, played outside after dinner, & had a smooth bedtime. We have a playdate scheduled for tomorrow morning, so that gives me hope that tomorrow shouldn't be too bad.

I'm going to bed early to recharge even more but am hopeful that this morning was just my low point & that I can only climb UP from here! I do think I'm going to get 123 Magic, as I've been wanting to try that method for a long time. Is it an easy read?

 

A quick easy read

Not that I can pursuade DH to try ...

 

You've gotten fabulous advice.

The only thing I'd add is this: what if you tried being very, very selective about what you'd discipline for? I'm only going on hints from your posts, but it sounds like you're trying to get them not to yell (since you're worried about setting a bad example yourself), throw toys, etc. There is going to be a whole lot of annoying, unpleasant behavior, but it's ok to let some of it go. I'd try paring it down to absolute basics: no hurting other people, no stealing toys, no property damage. And if they're defiant, just act bored and discipline as usual. They're just trying to get a rise out of you. (Trust me, Andrew is the devil incarnate!)

Maybe this is what you're doing already... If so, just ignore!

I hope something will work for you soon, and I'm sorry you're at the end of your rope. :hug:

 

OH I know the feeling!!!!!! I swear I have turned into my mother who I SWORE I would NEVER be like (a yelling, screaming wooden spoon waving mess)!! my boys are AWFUL and I mean PURE AWFUL!!!!!! and my girls are headed in the same direction, they are just lucky enough to be my 4th and 5th kids born 8 yrs after my youngest son so dealing with them after dealing with my boys seems SO much easier! I have gone to my room or gotten in my car and just chanted "my love is unconditional" over and over - and cried that I can't do this until they are grown and my oldest is 15! but then after a breath of fresh air (by myself) I remember a saying that I learned on TS "I would rather have my hands full than empty" . You are not a bad mom and your kids are not bad kids - you are actually a wonderful mom with wonderful kids. While I was pregnant with my ds#1 I would go shopping and see a child behaving like a monster and swear my child would NEVER act that way!! Do you know how many times I have eaten that statement! I am actually more shocked at kids behaving like angels when I am out in public than I am at those acting like kids.

One day we will wake up and our sweet little bad people will be all grown up and out of the nest. Only then will we miss these bad days. for now just do the best you can with disipline and love them with all of your heart. Really when it comes down to it that is all we can do.

:hug:
Heather

 

VERY!!!!

I used to strap them in the booster. They didn't like that and it was highly effective for me. I have a different type of temperment in my kids though...

I would absolutely read it. It tells you to take the emotion out of it. Be calm, cool and collected. That would be the first thing! (IF ONLY I could do that ALL the time!!!) IT's like "well, these are the rules and YOU broke the rules and it's my job to enforce them - I have to do it! It's great! I would try it and also try the Rescue Remedy I linked to earlier.

:hug: :grouphug: I know you are exhausted with sleep issues etc., so I hope you have a good night's sleep and wake up to a better day tomorrow! (today?) :hug:

 

Agree on 1-2-3 magic, although i need to spend more time reading it. The key is, for you to remain calm, to not give them positive or negative attention. IT IS SO HARD, i know.

Your LOs are probably too little to understand taking away stuff or earning stuff, but that is starting to work with jake.

Also, Jake gets quite challenging when he is very tired or hungry...so watch those cues as well.

On the TO in the crib, I know it's not best - but we have done it since their booster chairs are long gone. Unfortunately, they can climb out of the crib now or engage in annoying behavior (jumping, throwing things), and we can't take them out of their crib??

Try to keep yourself calm and they will follow. And, I agree w/Ivy to try not to make everything an issue, but it's hard when it feels like you are on Tilt on the pinball machine.

 

I could have totally posted your post. My two have been MONSTERS these past few days.
I can't get them to share,stop stealing toys,hitting one another,etc. I find myself yelling at them and I always said I would never do it because my mom was always yelling at us growing up. I try time outs,even a pop to the hands and it doesn't seem to phase them. They both are scared too death of the vacuum so, I end up telling them I'll turn the vacuum on if they don't stop it. I hate doing that too.
Good luck

 

:grouphug: I totally know how you are feeling. I'm not in those shoes right now (knock on wood!!) but 20-24 months was just like that for us, and I am sure there is more on the horizon. Painful. Just remember this is only a stage and it WILL get better. You are doing a great job!! :hug::hug::hug:

 

I started 1-2-3 Magic at a little over 2 years old and it does work. You need to stay consistent with it and yes, it is a very EASY read!! GL! I think that we all have "those" days, weeks, and months :hug: Two year olds are hard. I am dreading 3!! :faint:

 

Can you separate them? Send one to someone's house (for a playdate), and leave the other one home with you? Mine get along SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better when they have been separated for a while. And friend's are so much more willing to take one over 2.