Vent / Rant/ Sob ...I give up

I am just sitting here sobbing, why can't you count on family??? Especially at a time like this?! My family lives 18 hours away and DH's lives 2 minutes away. DH's family isn't the greatest, they still have never taken our 14 month old for even 5 minutes in her life but we needed someone to watch the kids when I go into labor so they said they would. Well last weekend they informed us that they were going on vacation September 7th onwards (they are retired and can go anytime they want, they are also not flying anywhere just driving aimlessly from Alberta through to the states somewhere). Oh ok cool have fun.

That night it dawned on me...uhhhh my induction date has always been known to be 38 weeks since I even found out it was twins, they knew that...my induction date is officially the 8th...so who will watch the kids while I am in labor if it comes to that? Not to mention the fact that they won't be there for their grandchildren's birth!!! DH and I are livid this is unforgiveable (not to mention everything else they put us through). Once we cooled down a bit we thought, ok no biggie it just will show in our relationship how much they care. We'll just pay to fly my mom out to help us for that date and a bit after.

Soooo tonight I call her to tell her that we would pay so to go ahead and book the flight only to find out that she has a court date for an accident settlement on the 9th and 10th that she can't get out of. I cannot believe that her lawyer can't get it moved, it's not like it's a criminal case or anything. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it did get cancelled at the last minute. Seriously I could barely hold it together to get off the phone with her and needless to say didn't offer to pay her way now cuz she can't really come to help like we had talked about previously. We didn't have the $$ to spend flying her out but needed the peace of mind and help enough that we were going to just bite the bullet.

What the heck am I supposed to do, just give birth to these babies while driving myself to the hospital cuz hubby has to take care of the kids? Am I supposed to move my induction date to suit all of them THEM?! (Seriously I would NOT do that!) Why can't these fricking people CARE?!!?! I mean seriously! They aren't strangers they are family! They have known all of this for months and months!! I am so hurt, now tonight I'm doubly hurt and don't know what the heck we will do with our kids when the time comes. Since it's a long weekend lots of people will be out of town and we don't really have many friends. The ones I have met recently have babies my daughter's age and can't leave them and work in the middle of the night. My sitter would do it but she's off on holidays then and then after that is having foot surgery. I....give...up! I guess I should just do this alone so my otehr babies can be taken care of.

To top it all off I have the usual rants, my pelvis is killing me, I throw up all the time again, I am HUGE, and I keep having braxton hicks tightenings all the time now too. Physically I feel done already and now just go ahead and add all this stress. We feel abandoned in our only time of need (we never ever ever ask for anything) and I just can't help but worry what will happen. The last time I went into labor we left right then and there as the contractions started suddenly and were crazy bad from the start.

Anyway sorry, rant over I guess I just need some hugs and it'll be ok's. I can see I won't be getting much sleep tonight.

 

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, I can relate I live in Sweden and all of my family is in Canada all those extra hands would be so helpful. Fortunately my husbands mom is very helpful, but since she had other grandchildren I have a few close friends that I have used in the past for short baby sitting stints. Perhaps you have some friends that could help. Sometimes you would be surprised how happy people are that you ask because they can show how much they appriciate you. Anyway I can't wrap my head around your inlaws booking their trip then, I mean you would think that they would want to be there. Maybe they are scared to babysit, since they have never done it before for you. It's not an excuse but maybe your husband can talk to them and ask them why they have decided to do this when they have already agree to be there for you both? Have they forgotten?
Having your mom there would be so great, it's a shame that her court case is at the same time, I'm surprised that they can't get it moved, and as you say they usually get cancelled or pushed up anyway oh so fustrating for you. I really hope that you work something out even though the practicality of having to find someone else is not really the main issue, it's how let down you feel, and I wish I could give you some advice to help change that, I'm sending you a big hug in the mean time. Let us know what happens. :hug:

 

although not ideal, if I read your post right Kelsey is 11. Can she not take care of the other child????????? Like I said not my first choice but at least it can give you peace of mind that you have a contingency plan if no adult will come thru for you

 

I would look into scheduling care through a company that provides short-term nannies for your scheduled induction, and it sounds like your ILs can watch your children if you go early. You do the same thing anyone does who doesn't have family - you make arrangements for someone else to watch them. Chances are you will go early and your ILs can watch your children. If not, you will have care lined up.

I don't know what your ILs are thinking. It does seem kind of crazy, but I think it is worth a conversation with them to see if they realize what they are doing and what their reasoning is. There may be some reason you don't know. As far as your mother, well, I'm a civil litigation attorney, and it's NOT always easy or possible to move court hearings. It's possible that it could be moved, but it may be that this judge doesn't move things or if it is moved it will be months more before your mom gets money or there is another party who won't consent.

 

Poor thing -- but I know how hard it is to find reliable people to come through when you need them. Hmmmmm, accident settlement court date, huh? Is mom the one getting paid or who has to do the paying? Sounds like she must be the one getting paid if she doesn't want to push it back. I can't imagine that she's the one being sued and she wouldn't jump at the chance to postpone a bit. And you're right - they would reset the court date under these circumstances. She obviously has not sked for this to be done. Like you, I probably would not want her help either at this point. Very hurtful but TRUST me when I tell you that I understand -- havent even heard from my mom my entire pregnancy. Not one phone call to find out how her first grandchildren are doing . . . makes you not want their help at all (same thing with the jet setting in laws).

Have you considered asking the friends you do have for the numbers of their nannies/sitters? That would probably be a good place to start. If all else fails, you could call up a reputable agency and arrange for them to provide someone. Its not the best cause your kids won't know the person, but it may be better than having to beg everyone for favors.

Good luck Mama and hope you feel better.

 

Not to belabor the point, but given that I am actually a litigation attorney, I'm going to say that I know better that this is just not necessarily true. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but let's not destroy this mother-daughter relationship without knowing.

 

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I think that is a good idea! :hug: Momma, I am sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I hope that you are able to come up with a solution you can be happy with! :hug:

 

just want to say hugs I hear you. My DH's parents are both deceased and my father is scheduled for heart surgery in two weeks (just a pacemaker, but he has complicated issues going on) so my mom needs to take care of him. I have been working on recruiting help but it definately is a process and now that I am on bedrest, one that is much more complicated to coordinate.

anyway, I agree w/going for the hired help. If you could get the $ together to fly your mom out, I would put that instead toward a nanny who you can start with now, to just spend a bit of time with your toddler and then can be there 100% when the time comes. It might be hard to find that kind of availability, but maybe between a few hired hands you can get a good plan. Good luck!

 

I am also an attorney and I still find it highly unlikely (but I do agree that a reset is not guaranteed). From the post, it sounds like mom wasn't willing to TRY, which I think is what upset the poster. Mothers are human and can also be selfish and self-absorbed. I dont think thats news to anyone and an acknowledgment of that fact is not a relationship destroyer.

 

I think you need to tell your in-laws that you need them here - straight up. You DO need them and there's really no other way around it. They sound like inconsiderate clods - you don't need this stress at this point in your pregnancy! So sorry!

 

Thanks everyone. I am still just so upset over all of this today. I really am not sure my mom did try, I do understand she needs the $$$ but it wasn't until it came down to booking flights that she said they wouldn't move it. Previous comments from her about how this has taken 5 years to resolve just makes me think that they will still be dragging their heels like they have for the past years so...I dunno, in her situation I understand BUT I also feel that anyone with a heart should understand that her daughter having twins needs her there.

As for the IL's they really are inconsiderate clods Laura, LOL! It's a long long story but they are just not there for us but actually blame us when the time comes. Quick example, when our youngest was born they said they wouldn't be our babysitters (nice) but she said that to her daughter 20 years ago when she had a child so whatever. So we have never asked them for help except in this instance to which they agreed. Well just a few months ago they called DH and asked him out to lunch and proceeded to tell us that we keep their grandchildren from them...WHAT???? Seriously we would LOVE for them to take them and have told them so. These people would seriously stand before you and tell you that the sky is purple while everyone else can see it's blue. Hubby told them that all they need to do is tell us and we would love to have the kids go over there. We have been trying not to burden them with our responsibilities not alienate them like they claim. We would love to have had a date in the last 14 months! They refuse to babyproof their house and when we all go over there they give our youngest the dog toys to play with, yeah yummmmm, please teach her to chew on that nasty bone.

The SIL is also out because she is having arm surgery a few days prior (which of course the IL's are driving to). I understand that for sure, plus I don't feel that she or friends have teh same obligations to us that parents have. Plus the induction is right after a long weekend and most friends have plans. Ugh it's just truned into this horrible mess.

While my 11 year old is a big help day to day she still can't even remember to close the baby gate at least 3 times a day...she's at that flighty clutzy pre teen stage LOL so no she can't take care of a 14 month old unfortunately.

I guess our only other option is hired help. It's just hard when it will be overnight and more than just a few hours KWIM?? I am very protective of my kids and it would be hard to leave them with a stranger, I think I would rather do it alone but that's probably emotions talking.

Anyway, sorry...I've written another book. I appreciate all of your hugs and comments! Makes me feel a little less alone in this mess.

 

I am so, so sorry for the frustration and anxiety this is causing you.

I understand your situation 100%. We have family, but not that can be relied on and few friends who have volunteered to help out.

I decided that if we couldn't rely on family and friends, then we'd just have to spend the money to pay for help -- at least that way I don't feel so obligated to someone, and I personally find it easier just to pay someone than to ask a favor of a friend/family member.

I've been using Craig's List to post mother's helper and sitter ads. I've managed to find some really decent people who live quite near to me. One is a stay-at-home mom looking for a little extra income, who is more than happy to take our daughter when the time comes. If you go this route, be sure to do an in-person interview with the person, watch them interact with your kids, and get references and call those references! And, maybe arrange for a visit or two either for the helper to come over or for the kids to go to her so that you get comfortable and the kids get comfortable being with this new person.

I felt so much more relaxed about this delivery after I'd arranged for a caregiver for our daughter, and like I was in control of things again -- and screw the useless family members! It allowed me to feel less dependent and needy on them to have found someone else at the time of the delivery.

Anyway, again, I see the frustration and sadness in your post. We want to think that our family will always come through in the end. Some of us just aren't that lucky, and we have to rely on our own resources to get by. At least you know you'll never behave this way to your own kids when they need you!