How to convey that "I'm Sorry" doesn't just fix EVERYTHING?!

So, my kids are very sweet about saying they are sorry for stuff - even stuff I didn't see. They'll cop to it and say "I'm sorry I took the roller pens apart" (or whatever they did).

There are times when it's just not enough to say "I'm sorry". It's a great place to start, but what next step is there to help them realize they can't do things again, in some cases, and that it's not always OK.

(Thinking older and more grand scale - what if they were to crash into someone on their bike and hurt them? Or worse? Ya know what I'm getting at here?)

How to teach this is not coming to me. It's great that they show remorse and sorrow for things, but it seems like there needs to be more teaching about this - RIGHT???? :umm:

 

Good question! I'll get the "but I said I'm sorry!" like that should be it. I don't know, maybe it's time to start doing something to make up for it, depending on what the offense was?

 

Most of our "I'm sorries" are to a sister for toy stealing, hitting, pushing...I've tried the "it's nice to say I'm sorry but it's better to just not _____ in the first place" but that doesn't seem to be helping!!

I'm curious to see what has worked other TSers.

 

I think that's where the natural or logical consequences come in. If they take the roller pens apart, there are no roller pens (for some time period, at least -- say, a month). If they break something essential, they can somehow "earn" the money to replace it (I admit I'm a little unclear on the details here -- I've never tried this, though I have threatened it).

If they hurt someone, there has to be some kind of consequence too -- for instance, when the girls were riding their bikes at the park the other day and it was pretty crowded, I said if they hit anyone, even by accident, we were putting the bikes right back in the car and going home. (As it turned out, Amy did hit someone -- but it was Sarah. So I just made her take a two-minute timeout from riding.)

I know know of those things really teach empathy or the larger reasons why we shouldn't do "bad" things, but I think at this age, you still sort of have to hit them where it hurts (so to speak). You can also teach empathy just by observing other people, talking about how characters in stories feel, etc. At preschool, if one child hurts another one (even by accident), the teacher talks about "See how she is crying? I think that hurt her." And, for instance, if someone gets bitten, the biter has to hold the icepack on the bite (with a teacher's supervision) for 5 minutes, which both helps reinforce that it hurts, and gives the biter a timeout from playing.

 

Right! Or they say "I'm sorry" and I say "Thank you for saying you are sorry, but it's NOT Ok and you can't let that happen again" they'll cry because I didn't tell them it's OK...... :gah:

Alden, that's good! I should think more of what they do at Preschool. They make them think of ways they can make it better - might need to remember that!! :good: Thanks!

 

I try to make them see the consequences of their actions. Like when they hurt their brother and he is crying...tell them, "Look, you hurt Liam. He is crying. You can't do that" Sometimes they seem to get it, sometimes they don't.

The thing that drives me nuts is the offhand "Sorry!" (Nolan is so guilty of this). Like I'll just throw a sorry at you and we are done, I don't have to mean it.

 

I think they understand that if someone's crying that is a consequence - but what to do about that part? Martin KNOWS when he does something he's not supposed and he feels REALLY bad about because he runs to hide and cries (becomes the victim ) They really seem empathetic to me - like they care that they have hurt feelings or something.

I think mine have too many toys because it's not a consequence to be without a toy. Maybe that's where I should start?! :blush:

 

For 'breaking/ruining/spilling/etc we make them 'clean/fix' it up---usually that does it for awhile. We also take stuff away--they lost markers for a few days when they dumped them on the floor a second time on purpose (after cleaning them up the 1st time).

I'm sorry for hitting/pushing/etc leads to a talk about how to do it differently "I know you were mad at your sister. But hitting is not nice. Can you ask her nicely to share xyz?" Usually that works and they 'remind' each other to use 'nice' words instead of swiping/taking/hitting most of the time.

We get alot of 'I'm sorry" in a sing songy- so not mean it voice, but were working on it too!!

 

I read somewhere that making a sibling say sorry probably doesn't help all that much because 1) it is not sincere when they are forced to say it and 2) it teaches them that just saying sorry is an easy way out and nothing is learned. Instead it said to have the offender "show" they are sorry by making them do something for the sibling, like picking up the ofendee's (is that a word) toys or letting him use a favorite toy of the offender. You could say something like "I'm glad you said you were sorry, and I hope that you meant it, but to show your sister you are sorry for _____ you are going to have to let her play with your _____ for a while."

Now if I could only take my own advice and actually do this I might be able to tell you if it works or not :unsure:

 

This is exactly what we do. More with my oldest than with the twins right now. It is important for them to realize that sorry just doesn't cut it all the time. For example, if you rob and bank, you can't just say sorry with you are caught. You have to pay for it somehow (with jail time). I have told John what the real world consequences are for things that are bigger than sorry. Never too little to learn that things carry consequences.

 

Thanks ladies! This is a good conversation, I like the ideas!

 

I too learned from Jeannie Fitgerald (pres of the Better Behavior Bureau) that you never tell them to say sorry b/c they think that is enough. It's all about the emphathy. Alden's preschool is 100% perfect; and Catie had great advice too.
(I also learned that when there is a fight and you weren't there to see what happened, you never say "what happened?" You say "something happened, it was unhappy, what can we do to fix it?" Good advice huh?)

 

That's really good to know!!!!! Very nice! Thank you!

 

This is a great topic. We have trouble with Ella, not the boys with this. She will say a flip "sorry" and think that is enough. I try to explain to her that "Sorry" doesn't fix a toy, or make her brother's boo boo feel better.

I like the idea of making her fix what she did - make sure there is a consequence for what happened. We are working on it, but, man is it hard.