One child invited for a playdate

One of the other daycare moms called me this morning to invite Amy for a playdate this weekend. She had previously asked me if it was OK if they invited just one kid. I know A&S will eventually have separate friends, and it also isn't fair to other parents to expect them to invite both of them. So in theory, I have no problem with this.

But it's a little awkward, since they have all the same "friends" ("friends" being defined as "everyone in their class"). Their favorites are constantly shifting, and I have no idea if one of them is better-liked than the other, or if there even is any such concept at this age. But Amy is more outgoing and seems to play more with the other kids, whereas Sarah does her own thing, so I wouldn't be surprised if Amy got more invitations.

For this weekend, Sarah is going to have special Daddy time, but how do I explain to her that Amy was invited and she wasn't? And in general, how do I keep a balance? Or do I not? (My thought was that we could initiate some playdates on Sarah's behalf to keep it even.) Just looking for advice on how this is likely to shake out over the next couple of years.

 

This is just a shot in the dark, since we are not quite up to this, and I have no experience to base on. I think it is a great idea for Sarah to have special Daddy time while Amy is at her playdate. I think it is also a great idea to set up playdates for Sarah and have Amy have special daddy time during them. I don't think that you have to point out that Sarah wasn't invited, but spin it as this is Amy's turn and next time you will have a turn. I think that in the beginning you may have to keep a balance, because I am sure they will remind you whose "turn" it is. But I would expect that as you get to know some of the other mom's in the class and the kids get used to each other outside of the classroom, both girls will be "invited" to the playdates.

I will be interested in hearing what other more experienced moms have to say...

Good luck!!

 

I wouldn't worry about explaining that Amy was invited and Sarah wasn't. I'd just present it as "Well this weekend Mommy is going to take Amy to play at friend's name house, and Sarah and Daddy are going to do fun activity." If they really push you for a reason why then I would do like pp suggested and say it's Amy's turn for a playdate and Sarah's turn for Daddy time.
As for keeping a balance I think you only need to try and do that if it seems to matter to them. You said that Sarah likes to do her own thing, so it may turn out she's not at all bothered if Amy goes on more playdates (obviously she should go on some). The other thing you could try and do (if they're very keen on it being even) is invite a child over each time one of them goes to a playdate with someone else-so you end up swapping one twin for another child. Then they're getting equal friend time.

 

I think I would do the same thing as the pp said. I haven't encountered this yet but I am sure it is coming. My Dh and his twin has separate friends too and spent time apart a lot with them. I would just make the two different sets of plans and go from there. Eventually Sarah will have a date without Amy too.

 

I think this is the best way to handle it.

We haven't run into this yet. We have playdates with Juj's twins and meet up with some other TS moms here and there with their twins. We have one girl at school that we have done playdates with, but we all go. She has a little brother Liam's age and I get along with the mom, so it works out for all of us.

I think I am going to need to pursue some of those preschool playdates for Nolan next year.

 

I can understand having seperate friends and what not, but your dd's are still so young! I don't think they would understand this right now and would be hurt by it. Personally, I wouldn't take one and not the other.

 

I mentioned it to them this morning in the way that Zoe suggested. At first they didn't seem to think about it much, then Sarah thought for a second and then said, "But I want to play with [friend] too!" I just told her it was Amy's turn for a playdate, and having three kids at once was too much for the friend's mom. I said Sarah could pick someone to invite over for a playdate another time just with her (and of course she chose this same friend -- though she may change her mind by the time we actually get around to arranging something).

She was intrigued by the concept of doing something fun with Daddy, but unfortunately DH was in the shower and I didn't want to get into too many details about that without checking with him first. It helped that we have lots of plans for this weekend, so this whole playdate business was just one of many things we were talking about at breakfast.

Anyway, she seemed to take it OK. Thanks for all the advice! I'll let you know how it goes on the actual P-Day (Playdate Day).

 

Yes, this is a slippery thing at this age. My kids are just not being invited....because some people don't want to have to invite one and not the other. I'm constantly taking singleton kids around to different things, but no one will EVER take mine (except perhaps Becky444). I have started putting it out there that they don't have to go together, but that's a foreign concept to me at this point.

I guess it's just the price I pay for having best friends right at home!

 

So, it went fine in the end. Amy had a great time playing with her friend (while I went for a short hike ) and Sarah had a great time with Daddy. (They wound up spending almost the whole day alone together -- first the zoo and then a string of errands, plus 45 minutes she wound up sleeping in the car while DH idled in the Costco parking lot. :ibiggrin: ) DH said he was amazed at how much more Sarah talks when Amy isn't there to steamroll her.

So, I think as long as I can arrange a playdate for Sarah pretty soon to keep things equitable, it won't be a big deal.

 

:good: Glad to hear it went well. Hope Sarah gets a fun playdate soon.

 

Yay! Glad it went well!

OK, I'm feeling rather duh because I didn't realize these were playdates where the parent doesn't stay. I was wondering why the parent of the other child would care that one or two kids were over, if those kids mom/dad were there too. Our playdates tend to be come one, come all. All siblings tend to come, twins or different ages. But, the mom is always there with the kids. Inviting only one makes sense, hope Sarah has her playdate soon!

 

SO glad it was a success! And isn't it cool how much we notice more about our twins' personalities when they are alone? I think date with daddy was just the trick! :good: Oh and glad you got some time to yourself too! :good:

 

Glad it went well. Sounds like Dad and Sarah had a really great time as well! We haven't ran into this issue either, but it's nice to see how others have handled it because it's just a matter of time, I'm sure.

 

HOT DIGGITY DOG!!! :yahoo: That's great that Sarah really shined with Daddy!! :wub; That's SO SWEET!!!

 

I did offer to stay (since Amy had never had a dropoff playdate before -- I wasn't sure how she would handle it), but even then, I would have preferred to have it be just Amy and her friend. There's just a very different dynamic. Amy & Sarah tend to stick together in social situations, even with friends they know well, so neither of them benefits as much from the chance to play with someone else.

I'm waiting a little while before asking Sarah who she wants to have a playdate with, in hopes that she'll choose someone other than this same friend...

Also, in 4 weeks their class is splitting up, because the older kids (including this friend) are going to pre-K next year while A&S are still in the level below that. I'm sort of hoping Sarah will want to have a playdate with someone who's actually going to be in her class after August.

 

Hi:

I'm piling on late with my thought, but at this age, I think time alone with Daddy (or Mommy) is probably a bigger "treat" that a playdate with a friend. In time, I know all that will change !!

We try (not as much as we should, but we do try) to give the kids separate one or one time with each of us, usually on the weekends. And, I do think the kids shine with that one on one time -- its just a different dynamic to have a parent all to yourself -- paying attention just to you -- especially for twins that have to share so much. Down the road, I think its the same way about friends -- its wonderful to have one on one time with a really good friend, isn't it???

Much peace,

Meg -- mom to 3.25 year old boy/girl twins

 

That is a really good point. A&B also stick together, even with kids that they know well, talk about non-stop, and see all the time. I'm sure A and B would each benefit too from an individual playdate, but I have no idea how to set it up. A couple times one has gone to preschool without the other, due to illness, and the teacher always says that the one that was at school talked much more and was more outgoing.

 

Kelly, this is one place where separate classes really helps--in that they have different friends, and don't "fight" over who gets to have that friend for a playdate. One thing I have done, is set up a playdate with one child at someone else's house, and then invite another child to my house to play. That way they each have their own playdate. I generally send Marcus to someone else's house, because Jon is more likely to have a problem that I have to mediate.