frustrated

DH and i rarely go out with friends. our lives have become very small because we handle the boys' needs together. when we do go out we keep the outings short so that we're always back to help out with feedings. it's just sort of an agreement from when they were really little and things were really hard.

every now and then, though, i like to meet a friend for lunch or go shopping. but it seems like every single time i go out and DH watches them they have "the worst meltdown" of their lives. like, apparently about 20 minutes after i leave every single time they "totally flip out" and scream for an hour. DH ends up extremely frustrated and totally at the end of his rope by the time i get home.

at first when they were really little i thought it was just because, well, they were really little. and with the reflux issues they did a lot of crying until their meds were properly dosed. but today i went out for the first time in probably 2 months to meet a friend for lunch, and we were only gone an hour, and when i got home jacob was in the middle of having a hysterical crying fit unlike anything i've ever seen. like it was actually scary, he was so upset. it took a good 20 minutes just to calm him down and he wasn't acting like himself at all. DH was, of course, completely frustrated and at the end of his rope. i got jacob calmed down and my friend and i hung out for maybe 30 more minutes. then i walked her out to her car with owen and we stood at the curb chatting for a moment. suddenly the front door flew open and DH was standing there with jacob in complete hysterics again.

i don't know what's going on. i'm afraid of what this means. it could just be a coincidence. but i'm afraid it means DH is losing his temper or doing something that's causing these total breakdowns. and i hate myself for feeling suspicious because it could certainly have nothing to do with him.

i don't know, i'm just venting. sometimes i need a break from being mom.

 

Maybe Jacob has separation anxiety from you?? My DD went through a phase about a month ago (which seemed a little early for separation anxiety, but yours seem to be the normal age) where she'd scream if anyone other than me would hold her. Same thing would happen, I would run a few errands, and I'd come home and DH would be at his wits end with 1 or 2 hysterical babies. The phase was short lived thankfully... though I suspect it may happen when mine reach the 8 mo. mark. Hopefully that is all it is for you, and not anything that your DH is doing... though maybe your LO's can sense his stress which is adding to it?

 

:hug: Does your DH sometimes lose his temper with the babies when you are around and that's why you'd suspect that?

It might just be separation anxiety, or maybe they can sense that your DH is stressed when they start to get upset and they feed off that and it makes it worse.

 

I hear you loud and clear on that!! We've been dealing with the ever-fun "witching hour" for the past couple weeks and this sends DH into meltdown, so I end up having to take over. Sometimes I just don't want to be the tough one anymore.

Re your DS, I would never want to have someone disregard potential abuse. If there are cues of abuse, then they absolutely MUST be acted on. HOWEVER...your post doesn't strike me as that type of situation. I'm guessing there's a good amount of separation anxiety on your son's part. You are Mom and he expects you to be there because you always are. My 9 week olds are already picking up on that. And to compound things, I would guess that DH's anxiety level escalates w/ the very thought of you leaving (because of said meltdowns, no doubt). Babies are like dogs. They smell fear. Our DS #1 would always act worse around us if we were stressed out. Hand him off to the calmer parent and he'd settle right down. So my theory is that DH is actually making part of the problem by getting himself worked up. Same as my twins are much worse w/ DH than me at night these days. I put on my twin armour and don't let them get to me. DH struggles w/ that so he gets stressed out babies.


This is a tough thing to do (esp for men, I think) but I think DH needs to try his best to chill a little when you go out. Maybe a guy friend w/ another child could come over so there would be a distraction for both of them...just to lighten the atomosphere a little? :unknw:

Good luck!!! You NEED to have that time out!!! :hug:

Eve

 

I agree it could be seperation anxiety, are you the main care-giver? I know you said dh helps but who is with them more? Some kids just really form a strong attachment to one parent or another, for whatever reason.

Does dh seem uneasy with the babies at all? They could also be sensing he's not comfortable taking care of them both by himself and as others said, be feeding off his sense of stress.

Can you try working up to going out? As in talk to dh and agree that for one or two nights a week he can try taking care of both babies himself, while you are in the house, but not helping out! He's free to ask questions, free to get the "routine" down, but needs to learn to do it on his own. I don't know if you or him would be comfortable doing that though. :hug:

 

this is what i'm worried about. he gets really stressed out if they start crying, like he goes zero to sixty within the first 3 cries. instant stress attack. if we're feeding them and whoever he's feeding starts having one of his lovely reflux-induced feeding resistance fits DH immediately goes straight to high stress and voices it. there have been many times when i've had to tell him to just set the bottle down and shut up, and i'll feed the other baby when i'm done with #1. he just doesn't get that even if he does feel stressed, he has to ACT like he's not.

we're not talking about something that happens all the time, but it happens often enough. he's wonderful when everything is wonderful. but when things get a bit yucky and the boys are crying and can't be calmed down he gets over-the-top stressed out. except for bedtime. at bedtime he has so much patience and he'll sit and rock them as long as they need to settle down and fall asleep.

i think jacob might legitimately not be feeling well. he didn't eat much breakfast and he was fussy when i set him down on the playmat afterwards. he's been refluxing a lot today and he's cutting a tooth. he wouldn't eat his 2:00 bottle at all, just cried and cried and cried. i gave him some mylanta and he fell asleep before i could get the bottle into his mouth again. so maybe teething is making his acid reflux worse today and that's why he melted down. and maybe he started out cranky but DH stressed out and fed into it and it cycled into a full blown tantrum. i'll never know for sure because DH doesn't think he gets stressed out. so as far as he's concerned this was a totally random event. a random event that happens EVERY TIME i want to go out with a friend.

i don't know. i'm just so frustrated right now.

 

For us separation anxiety was always at its worst around that age. And babies can definitely pick up on stress, so if he's anxious about being alone with them, they will definitely pick up on that. :hug:

 

we both work so we're equal caregivers. and it really is truly equal. he's absolutely comfortable with them when things are calm. and if they fuss and have a fit and i'm there he's fine, although he does get very stressed and voices his frustration. he doesn't get that he needs to act as though it's okay even if he's frustrated.

if i go out and he knows it's just a quick outing to the grocery store or something this never happens. it's only if he knows i'm going out with a friend with an undetermined return time. then it's like he's stressed out because i'm not just going somewhere, picking something up, and coming right back. even if i'm going to a store that's further away like BRU, it's like psychologically he knows i'm going to pick something up and come right back. this only seems to happen when i'm going out to socialize.

:gah:

 

what about letting him know exactly what time you will be home when you go out with friends? kinda like if you were leaving the boys with a sitter.. that way he knows when you will be back and won't feel like he has been left hanging with 2 potentially cranky/freaking out babies. maybe that will ease his anxiety a little and the boys would be calmer for him.

we all need a break sometimes and if you know that things are going poorly at home while you aren't there it's not much of a break.

 

My DH is the same way - very frustrating. I wish I knew the right thing to say - we usually end up in some sort of arguement when I snap at him for not staying calm. Or understanding that there is usually a reason behind the boys fits, teething, tired, gas, etc.
As for the getting out of the house - the best way I have found to do this that works for DH and I is that I go out after the boys go to bed. They go down pretty early 6 pm or so. I can meet a friend for dinner or drinks or go shopping and it isnt so hard on DH. Or if there is something I want to do during the day, sometimes I will take one of the boys with me.

 

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. in reading all the posts, I really think this may be a large part of the problem. Therefore, causing your son to be VERY attached to you. You are calm and collected and he trusts you to help him if he needs anything. It sounds like your son does not feel the same way about your husband. Please forgive me and I am in no way trying to hurt you.

DH and I have had similar issues that you are facing. It became more evident when DH went back to work. DH stress level was out of control. One night after the boys went to bed, we had a serious conversation. I told him that I did not feel comfortable leaving my children with him because of his stress level. I told him that the kids can and do pick up on everything that goes on in our heads and hearts. That we do not need to say a word and they already know. This is when I found out that DH was suffering from PPD.

After several nights of talking things out, we have worked it out and I have been able to leave the house again. Which is a blessing! It will get better, just try to keep the lines of communication open during these tough times, I know that they are difficult!

Hugs,
Jenn

 

I agree with the separation anxiety theory. I've also noticed with my two boys, Ryan has inherited my patience while Jake has his Dad's lack of patience. Jake has always been super clingy to me, especially when teething. There was a point when he was 11 months old that I put him in a Snugli so I could get anything done. My DH rarely does caregiving unless they are napping (so I plan my social times around naptime) so I don't have much advice on that. I do know that during those early months of sleep deprivation and the witching hour, my boys did better if I rocked them in their car seats as I cried right along with them than if I was holding them and frustrated.