Sad about a comment my friend made

Hi, My B/G twins will be 1 in two days and they have been recently evaluated for developmental delays. They were born 7 weeks premature but are otherwise healthy. Both of them will be starting language therapy (to help receptive vocabulary) and my DD will start P/T next week since she is still not super mobile. She is crawling but not pulling up to stand yet, etc. Anyway, I mentioned to a good friend that her first appointment is next week, and my friend tells me that she and her DH were discussing my DD and noted how she doesn't hold on to you when you carry her or 'use her arms much while she plays'. Well it is true that she doesn't hold on when you carry her, but she does use her arms to play quite a lot. I'm pretty sad after hearing this from a friend...no one ever wants to hear bad things about their kids I guess. But I'm not sure how that comment could be helpful? I can't figure why she felt she needed to say that. I have already shared with her that the evaluators thought they were only slightly delayed and just needed a bit of help to get over the hump, so to speak.

When do babies usually start holding on to people who are carrying them anyway?

Thanks for listening,
Dawn

 

:hug: Maybe she thought she was validating your concerns. I'm sorry she hurt your feelings though. GL with the appointments.

 

My girls were only 5 weeks early- but they didn't crawl until almost 10 months, walk until nearly 16 months, they've only learned how to say, "dog", "duck", "dada", and just yesterday one of them started saying "hi". We went to a specialist, and they were really supportive, however, she didn't feel it was necessary for intervention. She also said most preemies don't catch up until 24 months and that for whatever reason the doctors tell parents they will be caught up by 12 months.

My girls just started holding on when we carry them in the past few months..and only one of them is hugging.

Good luck with everything- I'm sorry about your friend...sometimes people don't understand how sensitive of a subject our babies development is. If it bothers you, I'd say to talk to her.

 

:hug: Maybe your friend thought she was being helpful, either way, it hurts to hear those things. I don't know what the average is for holding when being carried and I don't remember when mine started to do that. Personally, I would go by what the evaluators esteem for your children and not your friend. It sounds like they are doing well and I wish you all the luck with their appointments. Keep us posted with how they do!

 

Dawn,

My 3 yr old son never did hold on to us when we carried him! My DD of my B/G twins aged 17 months still isn't super mobile, she scoots insteads of crawls and doesn't hold on to us either. I think your friend commented because she didn't know what else to say-so she agreed with you, and possibly because you have shared so much about you DD past with her. I get hurt EVERY time someone comments that my DD is 'Less anything" than her twin in I shared that info with them or not! I think it the Mommy Bear coming out to protect the one that needs it most. (BTW, both of my twins are in Speech and PT as well.) Hopes this helps!

 

I'm sorry you were hurt by your friend. I agree that maybe she was just making a comment and not intending to hurt you...as a true friend wouldn't intentionally do so. Can you talk to her and let her know how you feel? It'll probably help you to feel better and at least clear the air :grouphug:

 

Not one of my 3 boys has held onto me when I'm carrying them. They have all acted like a big ole' sack of potatoes!! :lol: I think it has something to do with personality, possibly!

Try to let what she said go - she's not a PT or an OT, or even someone who specializes in early childhood development (I'm assuming, anyway).

Also, my boys (born 5 weeks early) did not crawl until 10 days before they turned 1 and they didn't walk until they were 16 months old. Try not to worry too much - I know easier said than done!! :hug:

 

Thanks so much for the support everyone! It really helps me feel better. This is such a great community! I think that you are right she was just saying what she thought and didn't realize that a person might be sensitive to hearing such things. She is a good friend, but sensitivity isn't her strong suit. Usually I can just brush things off, but this particular one was harder since I already feel badly that they are a bit behind due to being preterm. I guess I still have some mom-guilt about that...

It was interesting so see such a wide variance in when babies held on when carried. I've been trying to remember when my oldest did that, but I'm not sure. I *think* it was pretty late relatively speaking, but she never had any delays.

Thanks again!
Dawn

 

My b/g twins were 36.5 weeker twins and our daughter NEVER holds on. She is actually a limp noodle when you pick her up or carry her places (very annoying) However she never holds on at 13 months old. Our son however clutches our shirt when we go places like he thinks he will be dropped!! We always said it was personality.

It honestly sounds like your twins are doing great and that they are getting services for the things that they still need help with as any child would if they needed services. Sheish. I am so sorry that your friend passed medical judgment ....I agree I wonder if she thought she was being helpful and not hurtful...even tho, that doenst really take the hurt away.

I am glad that you are feeling better!!

 

They're supposed to hold on to you? Wow. I'm with Jori, I think it's all in their personality.

Alice never held on, always trying to fall out of my arms by leaning forward and back and she still thinks it's funny. Royce will hang on like a koala bear if you try to put him down. But if you're not trying to put him down, he doesn't hold on.

As for mom-guilt, do not ever feel guilty! You are doing a fantastic job. You cannot change the fact that they were pre-term, you can only can do what is necessary to get them up to speed. There is no need to dwell in the past for things that you cannot change just make the future better.

And personally I would thank the friend for letting me know that they noticed this particular delay and that you would make sure to mention it to the therapist. Maybe she has personal experience with it?

 

I think maybe she was trying to be helpful. I bet she didn't mean to hurt your feelings.