the working mom blues

i've always strongly believed that moms should have the choice to either stay home or work, and that working moms shouldn't be criticized for their decision. i still believe that. i just never expected that i'd be so conflicted by my decision.

honestly it was easier for the first 6 months because life was so hard that most days home with them felt like drowning. it took so long to get their acid reflux symptoms properly controlled with medication that sometimes i think back and wonder how we survived it. there were definitely sunday nights when i desperately clung to the knowledge that i could take them to daycare in the morning, and then come home and get another hour or so of sleep before work. we have absolutely no support network here so daycare was our only resource to turn to for help. i missed them terribly the whole time, but i knew i didn't have it in me to stay home with them by myself.

that's changed dramatically for me in the last month. we go for days at a time without uttering the word "reflux" (it used to be a daily topic of conversation) and the boys are happy and napping well and sleeping well at night and their personalities are developing into beautiful little people. these days i find sunday nights painful because i want more than anything to wake up in the morning and have another weekend ahead of me. over july 4th we had a 3-day weekend and i honestly think it was the best 3 days of my life.

and now i'm really struggling with my decision. worse, i'm suddenly realizing i may not have as much of a choice as i thought i did. i'm crunching the numbers and we could get by on one income.... as long as we didn't need health insurance. :unsure: unfortunately DH's insurance plan is structured to discourage people from adding families. it's free for him by himself, but it's hundreds every month just to put me on his plan, much less two children. my health care plan, on the other hand, is very reasonable.

i don't work for a company that's willing to let employees go part-time, and i've seen no listings out there for anywhere else that might consider it. i basically have to do full-time or nothing at all.

i never thought it would be easy to make this decision. i just never thought i would find it quite so hard, or so painful. maybe if i felt like i had options i wouldn't feel so badly about it. i just know that today is the hardest day at work i've had since the first day i dropped them off at daycare.

 

:hug:

I could have written this post myself. For the first few months, I was almost glad to come to work. I was very sleep-deprived so I wasn't loving that, but taking care of the babies by myself was too much for me. I would panic if I was left alone with them!

In the last month, this has completely changed. The boys are so much fun, I enjoy just about every moment with them. Feeding them has become easier, their routines are pretty well established, and they are just awesome to play with!! Every day that I walk out the door I cry inside.

I wish to heaven I could find a way to stay home with them, but I make a LOT more than DH, and he makes pretty good money (we're both in management). I also know that I would probably regret it if I threw away my career; I'm in IT and taking even a few months off is a career-killer because technology changes so quickly. I also love what I do and think I'd not be as happy as a SAHM. And there are no such things as part-time management or IT jobs.

But I regret every moment I don't get to spend with my beautiful boys.

I don't have any answers for you, but I'm in the same boat and I pray we can find a way to get through this. Take care!

 

:hug: I know it's a very hard decision & I hope it works out so that you can do whichever would make you happiest!

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so torn...for me, most of the time, I'm fine at work, but I have my days.

Is there any chance you can do work from home (maybe one day a week?) or anything else? I don't know what exactly you do in IT...but is there any flexibility?

 

Yeah, same here. DH would make more sense as a SAHD, but he still makes enough that it isn't really feasible. And I would still miss out on the boys.

I always SWORE I'd never had kids, so I pursued a career that was extremely demanding. While I really enjoy it, and it makes good money, it's just not very flexible or family-friendly.

And akameme, I can do the technical parts of my job from home, but my boss has told me in no uncertain terms that I will not be working from home at all. He doesn't believe managers can effectively manage from outside the office. I kind of agree with him, so I can't say I resent him for saying this. And he was extremely flexible with me while I was on hospital bedrest. He let me work from my hospital bed and pull a salary for 11 weeks so I would not have to be on FMLA before they were born. At my company they terminate you if you take your entire FMLA (12 weeks), so that would have been 1 week after they were born.

I love my country, but there is something WRONG when women have to chose between supporting their families and having no careers. I'm finding myself envying the many people here in the Detroit auto industry who are in temporary layoff for the summer.

I guess it could be worse. The other day I read about a woman who was deployed to Iraq when her son was 3 months old.

 

[quote name='Nate and Jack's Mom' date='14 July 2009 - 10:11 AM' timestamp='1247580671' post='1391397']And akameme, I can do the technical parts of my job from home, but my boss has told me in no uncertain terms that I will not be working from home at all. He doesn't believe managers can effectively manage from outside the office. I kind of agree with him, so I can't say I resent him for saying this. And he was extremely flexible with me while I was on hospital bedrest. He let me work from my hospital bed and pull a salary for 11 weeks so I would not have to be on FMLA before they were born. At my company they terminate you if you take your entire FMLA (12 weeks), so that would have been 1 week after they were born.[/quote]
you and i are in very similar boats. my company is flexible with us when we need to work from home and they have been extremely generous and accommodating when it's been necessary (bed rest) but it's been communicated that they will no longer allow anyone to build working from home into their position as a permanent schedule, and working from home should be as NEEDED, not as wanted. i'm lucky to work for a company that's as understanding as it is, but i'm desperate for more flexibility.

there are several employees here who do 4 day weeks or work from home on a permanent basis, but they're considered "grandfathered" into that policy and i found out the last person who asked to go part time or work from home was told she could either continue in her position as-is or resign. she resigned. this happened while i was pregnant, and her motivation was the same as mine.

 

I am of the mind that I am so happy and enjoy my time with them so much BECAUSE I work and am not with them every waking moment. I miss them every day and can't wait until I go pick them up to cuddle and play but I also know that if I only did THAT every day, day in/day out, I would become immune to that feeling and would long to be out and working again.

I think it goes a long way towards proving the "grass is always greener" philosophy. You will always want what you don't currently have and when you do get it you will then want something else.

 

[quote name='Charly's an Angel' date='14 July 2009 - 11:19 AM' timestamp='1247584743' post='1391489']
I am of the mind that I am so happy and enjoy my time with them so much BECAUSE I work and am not with them every waking moment. I miss them every day and can't wait until I go pick them up to cuddle and play but I also know that if I only did THAT every day, day in/day out, I would become immune to that feeling and would long to be out and working again.

I think it goes a long way towards proving the "grass is always greener" philosophy. You will always want what you don't currently have and when you do get it you will then want something else.
[/quote]

I think you're right, and this is what keeps me going. It is so hard to leave them in the morning, but I really don't think I'm cut out to be a SAHM.

I just wish there was more of a balance, and I could work 1 day a week from home, or two half-days or something. But I feel really lucky to have a good job in this economy, so I guess I shouldn't complain!

 

Very understandable. I have been home since the end of May and have to go back to work in August, and I'm dreading it. I'm basically refusing to even think about it. I'm not planning or working on anything work related, I just can't.

 

I want to say that up front, I am in NO WAY trying to offend any working moms in what I am going to say. I have a different perspective on this, and it sounds like you could use some ideas right now so I hope this helps!

For some families, it truly is necessary that both parents work for one reason or another. However, in most cases, very well-intentioned people live on two incomes before they have kids, get used to that level of income, and think that everything in their lifestyle is a necessity and/or aren't comfortable making changes necessary to drop one half (or more, in some cases) of the family income.

I truly believe that if it is in your heart, and if it is your priority, that you and your DH can find a way for you to stay home with your kids. You are completely normal for feeling the way that you do - you need your kids, but most importantly, they need you! Nobody can love or care for them like you can, and nobody else will - even the most loving nanny or daycare worker. The honest truth is that there are a million little things that happen each day that you miss by working full-time. Those are precious moments that are ticking away each day and you will never get them back - and I can't personally think of anything more valuable than to be there with my kids for their every-day life: the wonderful, the trying, the mundane, the beautiful.

Perhaps you can try two things: first, live as though you don't have an income. By that I mean, handle all your household financial needs solely out of your husband's paycheck each month. Obviously, you have work expenses and that should come out of your income, but get a good idea of what your actual living expenses are and how far your husband's income goes. Second, make a written budget. My DH and I have done this for about 2.5 years, and it is AMAZING how much farther our income goes when we tell our money what do to. Also, perhaps you can go down to a catastrophic insurance plan for you, and purchase insurance just for your kids - and maybe you can work very part-time just to cover the insurance expenses, if it's just impossible to come up with the money from trimming your budget.

And finally, it may require some tough changes at first: older cars, a smaller house, a stricter budget, a simpler lifestyle. But what you would give up in those regards will pay dividends in not always feeling torn between two places, guilty, frustrated, overwhelmed. And I say all this as a SAHM who's husband works very hard, yet we have a super tight budget, don't live in our ideal neighborhood, drive 2 10-year old cars, buy everything on Craigslist, budget grocery shop and only eat meat a few times a week - and we love it and wouldn't change a thing! (Well, OK - maybe I sometimes wish I could buy clothes for myself more often!)

Again, I don't mean to be offensive at all - but you need to know that the choice truly is yours, your kids are worth it, and you can do it if you and your DH want to make it happen! I wish you all the best as you try to figure this out.

 

I agree that people are able to live a lot more frugally than they think is possible. But even if I wanted to downgrade houses to live cheaper, here in Detroit things are so bad that I would never be able to sell. Besides, we're probably upside-down in our mortgage because house values have plummeted, so we'd most likely need to bring a large check to closing if we did get an offer. And I'm OLD, so dropping insurance is not an option!

I have made the choice to trade time with the boys for the ability to pay for college/retirement, live in a house on acreage, and work in a career that I excel at and love. I'd be miserable as a SAHM! I accept the sacrifices I'm making, but it does weigh heavily on me sometimes.

Thanks for the ideas, but I guess I'm just venting. Maybe piccologirl will find some helpful suggestions.

 

Feeling trapped is an awful state to be in.

So your company won't do part-time or telecommuting... any chance they'd consider a job-sharing arrangement? Is there another woman in your department in a similar situation who might be a candidate?

From my observations, the best way to get a part-time arrangement is to hand in your resignation -- if the company really values you, sometimes they'll make an arrangement rather than letting you go. But you have to really be prepared to quit, and it would be a big gamble in this economy.

Another option would be to look at contract/freelance work. You would probably have to give up being a manager and go back to hands-on IT work, but perhaps this could bring in enough part-time to cover the health insurance premiums on your husband's plan.

I work 20 hr/wk as a software engineer (contracting) for a small consulting firm. I took 2 years off to be a SAHM, and then started asking around to find out if there was any chance to do part-time contract work. It turned out that a former coworker was working part-time for a small consulting firm, and they were looking to hire someone. Before kids I was a team lead/first level manager, so I have chosen to make the career sacrifice in order to have less stress and more time with my kid(s). I hope to return to that level someday, but know that it's not guaranteed, so I do understand the tradeoffs involved.

Also talk to old friends and coworkers to see if some of the other companies in your area are more family-friendly, and find out who has found a part-time situation.

 

I have to go back to work soon and I am dreading it too! Thankfully I am a nurse and I will only be working 2 days a week. I don't really have any advice because it sounds like you have thought about everything but I do want to send you words of encouragement! Always focus on the positive, know that you will be a better mom because you take time for yourself in a career that you love and that you can give your babies what they need and maybe even a little more. Think about the future and that maybe when they are older and involved in school and sports more that you can cut back then and this will be what they remember!

I hope this helps some...it helps me...sending hugs your way!

 

Wow! Welcome to my life one week ago. I have worked FT since the kids were 12 weeks, and honestly I needed that break. Fast forward to last Monday, a day of vacation from work. I played w/ the kids for 2 hours outside and had a BLAST. I went back to work Tue, and I was a super *****. I didnt know why. I thought my job was stressing me out, thought I just hated my career. Well it dawned on me. I hated missing out on my kids growing up. I bawled all night to my husband about it and I made a very rash decision to quit my job and career of 6.5 years. I knew we could make it on DH's income BUT he just started a new job 2 months ago...stable? we have no clue...I couldnt do it at his last job, same as you, the benefits were $...mine were much more reasonable...but now maybe him getting let go and now having this new job was a sign???
So I went to HR (we are close knit at my job) and I was very brave and just said "i'm quitting to be a SAHM"...and she bawled, and in the end they let me go Part time. Ill be working 2 days a week and in my field (IT) this isnt really a smart move on their part but they find value in me and don't want to see me go. By working PT, I wont be that much further behind in $ because daycare for two is SO expensive.
We will be more strapped, but in the end, the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't think my work would let me do it.....but it just took that one meltdown after this "epihpany".....it was really weird, I just "woke up" and thought, DAMN, I want to raise my kids!! Not daycare!

I agree with the PP....there is probably a way to make it work.....I hope you find a way....i dont know how stressed Ill be yet being a part time mom...but i think work will be a vacation

 

I have to respectfully disagree with the bolded portion. I don't believe is blood = love/care. i love my children, but I have to say, HANDS DOWN, their nanny was much better for them when they were little. She had the patience of a saint and I credit her with getting them on a schedule and helping shape some of their positive behaviors.

I know what you were trying to say in your post, i do - but I just don't agree.

 

we've already done the living on one income experiment, and i'm a pro at budgeting. like i said, we could det by as long as we didn't need health insurance. literally i have crunched the numbers every which way and it all comes down to the fact that we can't do it on his income based on the healthcare options available to us.

and although i understand that you're trying to be helpful i would just suggest that you remember not all two-income households are funding sports cars and mcmansions. i already drive a used nissan and my husband drives a hyundai with over 100k miles on it. we have no car payments and we have absolutely no debt aside from our mortgage. we just bought our house barely a year ago so selling (particularly in this market) is a no-go. particularly if we want to remain within a reasonable commute of DH's job. we live in a major city with a high cost of living. still, we live smart and, as i said, the monthly cost to cover me and two chlidren on DH's healthcare plan is the budget breaker.

i just wanted to clarify because i get a little sensitive when SAHM's act as though two income households are simply just in it for the monetary luxury.

 

i actually do have a coworker in my department who feels exactly the way i do. she and i have privately discussed the job sharing idea and we're looking for a way to approach management about it. our company just did a round of layoffs 2 months ago, though, so in this economic environment we're afraid to have the conversation for fear of repercussion the next time they're looking to downsize. we're looking for an opening to take the conversation to management but until things look a little more secure i'm not sure it's going to be any time soon. oh, and the last girl who offered her resignation in the hopes of getting a working from home or part-time arrangement was taken up on her offer. i can't risk that bluff.

i've thought about the contracting thing and i've certainly been in my field long enough to get into consulting but i'm just personally afraid to take that leap. especially because i used to freelance and chasing clients who are reluctant to pay you for work you've already done is really frustrating. sometimes you end up spending more time on the phone and driving to the site trying to get them to honor their payment agreement that it's like a full time job in the end. i'm just not cut out to be a true freelancer because i don't have the stomach for the billing hassles.

your suggestion did remind me about a staffing agency that specializes in marketing personnel. i may give them a call and see if they have any part time leads for me.

 

Piccologirl, here's a dumb question, especially for this economic climate, but has your DH considered looking for a new job with better health benefits? That would give you a little more freedom to explore other options. I'm pretty fortunate that my DH works for the federal government, so we're covered there. I made the very difficult and agonizing decision to stay home with my kiddos back in March. It was hard for me to decide to do it (I'd say at least half of it was feeling guilty on my part), but now that I'm here, I haven't regretted it for a minute. It's so nice to enjoy the kids while they are young. I was sick of feeling like I was half@ssing my way through both my career and motherhood.

 

thank you for posting this. maybe i just need some time to really mull it over and figure out a good strategy. and maybe if i do see a way where we could do it on just DH's income i can commit to a resignation instead of hoping to bluff them into part time. that way if they do let me go i'll be okay with that, but if they offer me part time then that would be a nice bonus.

i'm going to keep working this over and looking for a solution like yours because that's really what i ideally want.

 

he's become pretty specialized in his field (he's an art director/3d animator/motion graphics specialist who works in pharmaceutical marketing) and atlanta's production industry has really suffered in recent years. he's always on the lookout for something that could help him provide more but he's sort of in a niche and he's compensated well. it's just unfortunate that his company's benefits really aren't family friendly, because everything else at his company is.

 

I'm so bummed for you. I hate that one has to work just to keep the benefits going. Here we thought it was the end of the world in February when my husband got let go from his job so unepxectedly. I kept thinking "maybe he'll get something better, and maybe we wont rely on me so much to keep the benefits" and that is what ended up happening. Of course he could easily get laid off again and now that I'm PT soon we'd really be in a pickle. But my motto last week was "family first". I just kept thinking how in 20 years, I want to look back and remember all these times I had with the kids. I agree with the previous poster, I dont want to half *** run my career and motherhood. I feel like I CANT physically and mentally do both 100%. My heart didnt come back to work after my maternity leave. My passion wasnt there. It was with the kids. Yet I am so exhausted from work that I have a hard time really building up energy to spend on them come the weekend and I feel so lazy.
I hope you get lucky like me. Of course a lot could happen in the nextz 5 weeks that could screw my whole plan up, but ever since it was approved, my attitude has done a 180. Im actually going to get to see my kids more often than they're in childcare. Seems like a foreign concept.
Good luck to you, I hope you find something that works for your family.

 

As Piccologirl said, not everyone with 2-income households are in it for the money. Thankfully, although I have to work, I also find value in myself by working. I love what I do, and truly enjoy working. I also truly love my kids. I'm trying to have the best of both worlds. I haven't quite got it, though... I'd like to go 1/2 time or 3/4 time, just to have more time with those kids, and still have an identity outside of 'Mom'. Don't get me wrong, though... I LOOOOOOOVE being a Mom.

But as well, my DH and I are FAR from living high on the hog. We live in a small 1000 square foot condo, with 2 small bedrooms, 1.5 baths, a tiny kitchen, and a combined living/dining room. No property, no garage. We drive 2 used vehicles (Honda and Hyundai). We budget. We pay for daycare because we cannot really afford to live on 1 income. We don't go on vacations, we don't eat out, we don't buy fancy things. I can't tell you the last time I bought a new pair of shoes. I think it was 2 years ago. I clip coupons, we've cut out luxuries (who needs HBO? It'll pay for baby formula and diapers). We live in RI, and it's obscenely expensive up here. We can't even afford a small house with a yard unless we move over an hour away from our jobs, which isn't an option because quality of life would go down the drain. Not to mention we'd spend almost NO time with our boys.

My only consolation in this is that the daycare they go to is spectacular, the teachers love them, and they are developing so well. They're well-adjusted, super happy kids. They have the benefit of teachers who have gone to school for child development and all that stuff, and I've watched them secretly -> they really interact and love on my boys. I've gotten some great activity ideas from them, as well as advice. Yes, it's expensive, and yes I'm not there for them 24/7. But they're getting a great education, are well-cared for, and have the benefit of a ton of 'people' interaction. And Mommy and Daddy RACE to get them from daycare and focus on ONLY them while they're awake, and at least one of us (usually both) is always keeping the boys occupied on the weekends.

Am I complaining? Far from it. I'm just glad we can make this all work. It may not be ideal for everyone. Your mileage may vary ;-)

 

You may not be trying to offend working moms, but your post was offensive. I understand that your choices make you happy, and that is the way it should be. But please don't try to make your choices the right choices for the world. I make 2/3 of our household income, but even if that weren't the case, I don't feel guilty, frustrated, or overwhelmed. I'm actually pretty happy and at peace, and my kids are thriving and amazing. And, yes, my kids are worth every penny I scrape together to send them to a fabulous daycare where they are loved and learn new things every day.

Again, congrats on making a decision that makes you happy, but daycare doesn't "raise" my kids.

I'm sure you are just talking about how you felt, because I feel that being a working mom makes me better at my career and motherhood. No halfa$$ing here.

Shockingly, that's my motto too - as a working mom.

 

Piccologirl - yes, I know that not all two-income families live in McMansions... and most of my friends who are working moms aren't in it solely for the money. Some are, but most are not. But what I do see all the time, and what you expressed in your original post, was a mom who was torn between work and kids, stressed about income, stressed about lifestyle, and wishing for a change. When all is said and done, most of them don't add much to their family's bottom line and yet it costs them so much in stress and heartache.

I'm glad that you've tried some of the things I mentioned (but a lot of people haven't, so that's why I suggested it). I hope that you can find a job that will pay enough for your health insurance and yet allow you enough time with your kids. Again, I know that there is a way to make it happen, and I hope that you and your DH find it!

 

you're not wrong, you're definitely seeing someone who's torn between work and kids. i'm not stressed about income until it comes to healthcare costs. then it's like i hit this stumbling block that i can't get around.

the thing is, i know i'm not a SAHM at heart. i do enjoy my career and i think there's value in being a working mom. i think the boys benefit from the socialization and education they get in daycare. but i am definitely losing interest in my job because i'm starting to feel like it's keeping me from my children, rather then fulfilling me.

it's really a matter of balance. if full-time working mom is on one side of the scale and SAHM is on the other side of the scale, i really wish i could reside somewhere in the middle.

it's less about feeling like they're missing our or thinking they need me, and more about how i feel like i'm missing out and me needing them. if that makes sense. and i'm not saying that to opine about the value of working moms versus the value of SAHMs or suggesting that anyone should feel the way i do. i just know that i need to find a way to shift the balance to get it a little more even between work and home. but i'm just not sure i see a way to do that at this point and that's what's eating at me.

 

:hug: I hope you find it!

 

Yes, it's all about balance isn't it? And I feel the same way. I love my job and i love working, but I hate feeling like I'm always short-changing someone or something. Whether it's my husband, the kids, myself or my job. And I honestly feel like for me, there really isn't any way around it - it's just life. I try to remember there are people who don't see their kids for months at a time (soldiers) or people who work long days. I just struggle with finding enough hours in the day to fit it all in and still get eight hours of sleep.

 

This makes complete sense. There should be more options for women in the US.

 

You have never made more sense, I totally understand.

 

Amen, sister!!

 

Do day care providers raise your children? Absolutely, but not solely or even primarily. From birth to adulthood, the people in their lives are going to help raise your children to be who they are when they are all grown up. If you self reflect, think of the people that were important in your life. From teachers to day care providers to immediate and extended family and friends, everyone is helping to raise your kids. It amazes me that this is always thrown in working mothers' faces like they are doing nothing or the bare minimum to raise their kids! Like they think they are insulating their children from other people influencing their lives???

We decided to go with a day care center that focuses on self esteem, independence and learning and we don't regret it one bit. Yesterday my 21 month old dd came running up to me when I picked her up. She had the biggest smile on her face not just because I was picking her up but because Ben and Jerry's was in and they made homemade ice cream and she wanted to show me. On Tuesdays they have music class, they have diversity dolls to play with and she is learning sign language, Spanish and potty training, which we love because it is hard to keep focus on that while tending to our 5 month old twins. They also have an indoor jungle gym for days when it is rainy outside and there are no TVs in the center at all so the entire time is focused on development and learning.

To top it all off, I am a much more relaxed (and healthy) mommy by going to work even with being sleep deprived. I can exercise at the fitness center at work and I can get a quick and balanced breakfast and lunch. I am within 5 lbs. of my pre-pregnancy weight! Yea! I don't have to wake up extra early to work out or after they are in bed. I get to sleep by 8:00 or 8:30 or depending when all the kids are asleep.

We always do some sort of family outing on the weekend (zoo, park, etc.) and I find that at night, I spend more time cuddling them to sleep vs. wishing they would fall asleep fast since I am not exhausted at the end of the day. I am by no means full of energy but not exhausted like I was when on maternity leave.

Again, for us, it was the best decision for our family. I think if you look at it from another perspective other than what you are missing out on and instead on how your boys are faring (they sound like they are very happy and healthy) and you, you may start to feel better. Or not, but then you need to do what is right for your family.

Take care!

 

i am in total agreement with you about the value of daycare, and the pedi was all compliments about how "flirty" they were at their 9 month wellness checkup yesterday. they're doing great on their milestones for being 6 1/2 weeks early and i absolutely attribute some of that progress to the amount of stimulation and activity and variety of playtime they get at daycare. it's not that i think they couldn't get that at home, but i feel like there is value in having music day and days when they focus on colors and shapes (even at this age!).

like i said, it's more about me having so much fun with them that i crave them when we're apart during the day. i feel they're thriving in our current situation, but i think they would also thrive if we made some changes that allowed me to be home more with them. the difference is me. i suspect i would thrive more if i had more time with them.