frustrated with mom!

So I have a c-section scheduled for Monday (July 13th) and my mom will not be able to be there because she is taking my sister to Miami for her birthday(previous post). Well I just got off the phone with her and she already lining up help between her and my sister for the next 2-3 weeks after the babies are born.

It's not that I don't want help or feel grateful for them wanting to help, but I feel like my husband and I should be able to decide if and when we want help. I know my husband's family wants to come help with the babies, but my mom has monopolized the weeks ahead. I also have some ill feelings toward her right now for booking the trip two weeks ago when she knew the babies would be coming sometime between my 37-38 week.

Most people have said that they would be willing to help, but didn't want to intrude on our bonding time with the babies and also being overwhelmed with two newborns. I just wish my mom would let me decide if and when I need help.

 

I hear you. My inlaws are very interferring in general and only live a few miles from us. My mother-in-law plans to be at our house every single day for as long as possible when the babies are born, you know, to help out... I don't want her there everyday, all day long!

I'm sure we will need help and it's not that I don't want any, but my hubby and I will need time with our babies ourselves. I don't want anyone at my house 24 hours a day.

 

Oh I think its totally up to you how you want to structure your help. But I will say to you that the one consistent piece of advice that I keep getting from everyone is that you will need help with these babies. I have been told over and over not to try to do it myelf. I know you're concerned about bonding with your babies, but having someone around to lend a helping hand will not change that. Even if you dont want your mom right away, I would definitely not reject the help.

 

This is such a good topic, but its so touch when it comes to actually talking about with those who are offering the help. Not sure if this will help at all....but this is what I have said to my mom.

During the daytime when Melissa is at work, that is when I will need the help, but once she is home, I won't need the help nor will I necessarily want her there when its Melissa, myself and the kids. She said that she respects that and has said that when Melissa comes home, she will look forward to an uneventful evening back at home with my dad.

I think that you have to lay the ground rules because this is your family and you have to figure things out on your own....just as much as they did when they were our age with children (maybe not with twins, but babies are babies and we figure things out). But its important not to tip toe around the situation and lay it out there....but it is hard.

GOOD LUCK!!!

 

I agree with the PP in that it's your decision as to how much help you want/don't want and you should be able to tell them thanks but no thanks without them getting offended. However, I would take all the help I can get. If both families are there at the same time, I can take a nap while my house gets cleaned, the meals get cooked and someone else catches a night feeding (or two or all of them).

I was very resistant to help with my first child and my OB said that my recovery was taking longer because I was trying to do too much too soon. I had this perfect image in my head of our family cuddling in our bed with our new baby. That all came crashing down once this wiggly little screaming baby showed up and we were playing hot potato with our child all day and night. Once the troops showed up ready to help, I was begging them to never leave (and actually my mom is now a prisoner in my house as my full-time child care). When the two in my belly arrive, I'm refusing to get out of bed and my husband will be banished to the spare bedroom so I can rest without having to fight for the blanket! (I may even banish him before the twins arrive...it's getting kind of crowded with me, my snoogle and my husband.) Am I in the insensitive minority?

 

My MIL is coming from Italy and will move into my spare room for the month and I am sooo grateful to her. I'm not concerned about bonding with the babies because I plan to nurse anyway so I'll still have to do plenty of work and spend plenty of QT with the little ones. I just relish the idea that there will be someone around to help keep my house from falling apart and to allow me to nap and sleep whenever I need. I know those are my babies and so does she. Once she's gone it will be just us from then until the next kid puts in an appearance so I'm not at all worried about letting someone else take charge and allowing my body to heal for a few weeks. Plus, she will be able to train up her son and show him all the things he doesnt know how to do without me having to deal with that extra frustration.

 

Sorry you are feeling frustrated :hug:

From my experience...let anyone over that wants to help!! :laughing:
Honestly, I wish I would have used every single bit of help that was offered - those first few weeks/months can be trying!

Maybe making a schedule out & trying to coordinate with your family & your DH's family would be a good idea? That way it can spread out over more time?

Good luck!! :hug:

 

I Can't blame you for having the ill feelings regarding the trip and then having them just start making plans like there will be there from the beginning. :hug:

I guess I would go ahead and take the help, IF they will actually help and not expect to be visitors/guests. We are in a position where we know we will not be getting help and it's hard to swallow, although I can say I probably wouldn't want help from my IL's if they would help. Births can be so complicated! Do what you feel most comfortable with. I remember your last post and I think I told you I had to tell my dad and stepmom they could not come for 10 days and they couldn't be in the delivery room, it was hard but I HAD to do it for myself to not come apart (they are the type who would consider themselves guests). GOOD LUCK!!

 

I have seen a previous post about this subject and someone there suggested that if they are going to be there, make sure they understand that "helping" means making meals, household chores, cleaning up, etc. Helping doesn't mean holding a baby all day. Tell them that you and your husband will take care of the babies and "the help" can take care of anything else. And, when you want a nap or shower, etc, then hand the babies off to them.

 

After reading more posts I also agree with that when they do come to help, its a matter of helping with the daily living before kids and possibly helping entertain the older kids (in my case). I think that for me, it will be hard to actually say "i'm going to go and have a nap". I like to socialize and I know that will be hard...but it has to be done!!!

 

I had an awful experience with my SIL who came to "help" us with the twins. She was here for two weeks and it was the WORST. She didn't HELP she didn't make any meals, or clean up in anyway. She just rushed to eat her food so she could feed the babies or hold the babies. When my mom arrived to stay for two months it was great to have her help. I wish I would have had two weeks alone with my babies and my dh. Often the first couple of weeks especially with newborns they are so sleepy anyway. You need someone who is going to take care of YOU !! I wish I would have spoken up sooner and not had her come until much later. It really is a special time of family bonding that you can't take back. I think if a person has older children it is different because you really need the help to keep the older children/child occupied. Don't feel guilty for standing up for yourself. These are YOUR babies and remember that everyone else has had THEIR chance to have their kids. It is hard with twins but the times you need the most help is when they are about 4 weeks past their DUE DATE... when they really wake up and get fussy. Newborns are the easy stage.... when they are one month old it starts to get more interesting.

Do it now and change things to fit how you want them.

Heather

 

I was told to have help on hand for atleast the first week. My mom plans on being here for a week or two after they are born. But I told her that I need to learn to take care of two babies at once by myself. She is strictly there to provide help if I need it and to give me a break if I feel overwhelmed. That was the deal we made.
It's very comforting to me to know that my mom will be there as I am doing this all as a single mom. If anything atleast my son has someone to play with him if I am too busy with two babies!
I would just let your mom know that you want to be left alone. Maybe she could come there and be there if you do need the help as a just in case type of thing!

 

:hug: Momma! I don't blame you for being frustrated at all! I would sit down and have a long talk with your mom and let her know how you are feeling. I hope everything gets worked out! :hug: